The Paternal Catalyst
by Hermy Puckle
Summary: Because of her father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.
1. Chapter 1

**_The Paternal Catalyst_  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments. **

_Author's Note:__ In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect. _

_(This fic was beta'd by the charming _**_talkingmetaphor_**_ without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)_

The Paternal Catalyst

1

Penny

The sun wasn't up yet.

But even the moonlight hurt.

I was somehow aware of this even before I opened my eyes. As soon as I felt myself ease into the world of the awake, a thousand large hammers beat away at my skull. From behind the safety of my eyelids, the world was a fuzzy grey-blue that commanded me to wake up. But doing so would only be a crap-load of pain for me, the rational part of my brain said. So I nuzzled instead into my pillow, trying to fall back asleep. My senses seemed to be extra tender, though. There was a ticking from somewhere nearby, and the air had the stale chill of a too-high air-conditioner. This bothered me way more than I knew it should.

My legs were bare and cold as they lay against each other. There was warmth I could sense just beyond my spot and I blindly scooted toward it. But I moved too fast and had to freeze while the nausea went away. Once I was sure I wouldn't barf in my bed I continued my mission, though at a much, much slower pace this time.

The heat was natural and almost searing, but at the same time soothing. I pressed my body against it, wanting to sap all the warmth into me, and wrapped my leg over it to further my goal along. My face pressed into the warmth, I tried to force myself to sleep.

Yet something was wrong, very wrong and also frighteningly familiar. It took a few moments for my beer-addled brain to piece together what had happened. I had gone home with a stranger. Again. The warmth was from a body. _Crap, crap, crap-crap-crap._

It's usually joked on in movies and a lot of my friends are okay with it, but one-night stands were never my thing. I always felt just a little dirty after them, a bit whorish. I was a romantic, okay. I liked to be connected with someone while I was sober before sleeping with them. However, my drunk-self sometimes decided it had been far too long since I got any which led to picking up some random guy, or my friend's boyfriend. I felt really bad about that, sleeping with my friend's boyfriend that is. I don't even remember it, not to mention the fact that it was his fault: he was sober. (Rebound sex also operated by these rules).

But my luck was actually good this time. The morning after usually has some awkward moments where each person pretends to want to get together again, then the person who doesn't live there has to go on his or her walk of shame. Drunk-Penny made a point never to bring anybody home, but go to his place. I think this was so I didn't have to worry about him showing up again, or finding a polite way to kick him out.

I was in a stranger's bed, _yes_, but I could get out of there better than I could other places. I could slip out, still in the night, and walk home, get a cab or something. I would never have to see him again.

I had to go slow, so as not to throw up. I slowly opened my eyes, doing all I could not to shut them against the light of the moon mixed with that of the street lights below. Eventually they adjusted and I could just make out vague shapes and shadows. I could see a bookcase and a dresser; it was vaguely familiar. Not familiar enough to be my bedroom, I decided after a momentary panic. Familiar as in something I'd seen before, though not often. Did I go home with a previous one-night stand?

Focus Penny, focus. I tried to sit up, a large effort on my part, I forced myself not to call out in pain. Ugh. Hangovers suck. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I slowly disentangled myself from my bedmate. It would be better not to know who I'd slept with, thus avoiding eye contact with him and worrying about what he thought, but I truly was curious as to who I'd slept with. So I looked down at his face.

In the dark I could just see him lying straight on his back, his head tilted toward me and his mouth slightly open. The calm, placid face of a dreamer. The shadows gave me just enough to make out the dark hollows of his eyes, the tip of his nose and the general idea of where is mouth was. In the light he looked ghastly, like a zombie or something. The familiarity didn't end at his room, for his face tickled my memory as well. I cautiously leaned forward, widening my eyes to let more light in.

The man snorted slightly, wrinkled his face up in annoyance and turned his head away from me, still asleep.

I just laid there, my body still half against him as I tried to understand what my eyes were telling me. But the rational part of me knew it couldn't be true. This was a mistake, it had to be. I wanted to laugh. I must've been a trick of the light. Still, as loud as I dared, I whispered, 'Sheldon?'

'Mmf?' was his only response, and even that was slurred by sleep. The face could have been a mistake but the voice, the voice that was slightly petulant and even while unconscious somehow managed to convey arrogance, was undeniably Sheldon's. Not to mention, if I could go by what my legs were feeling, he wasn't wearing any pants.

I froze as my mind tried to figure out the possible path I took to wind up having sex with Sheldon, even then, there was no path that would make him willing to participate. I had to be dreaming. There was no way this was reality. I could have tested that theory by waking him up and asking him. Instead I decided to take the coward's way out because in the end, did I really want to know?

Slowly, both so as not to make myself sick and to keep from waking him, I slid backwards away from him and towards the edge, where I successfully escaped. I stood there next to the bed for some time, just looking at him. He slept, looking as I've always seen him asleep (once, when I was playing Conan), and you wouldn't otherwise know what I'd done to him. There was a surprising amount of guilt and even though it would have been him taking advantage of my lowered resistance, I felt like I'd somehow wronged him.

I needed to get out of there.

The problem was that my clothes were nowhere to be found. I was in a bra and underwear, a bit more revealing than I wanted. Sure I was only going to be dashing across the hall but what if someone saw me? I could barely see in the light, barely move without my head swimming, but the dress I remembered wearing wasn't there. Sheldon kept his room obsessively clean so I think that even in pitch black darkness I would have noticed a speck out of place.

Something else Then it occurred to me: i. If I couldn't find my clothes, where were my keys? How would I get into my apartment? I was going to have to look for it all elsewhere in Sheldon and Leonard's place, blissfully outside this room.

_God, does he have to have the AC kicked at arctic temperatures?_

Spying his closet door, I tiptoed toward it and slowly slid it open. I snagged the first shirt I saw, cringing when the hanger clanked against its neighbor. But one quick glance over at the doctor told me he was out. After I slid the shirt on over my head, I took on the greater task of opening his door without waking him.

I managed somehow. Maybe it had to do with all that practice sneaking into my boyfriend's dorm back in Nebraska. His roommate, Dan… or Dave… or something, hated me. If he ever found me over, he'd rap on the door repeatedly until I left. I think it was because my friend Vicki had broken up with him a while agoat the time., it probably didn't help that Because I had told her to. He was a jerk anyway.

I checked the bathroom first since it was closest. Failing, I moved to the living room and kitchen but still, no go. Where the hell are my clothes? Surely I hadn't come here wearing what I have. Then again I didn't remember much of the night so who knows? But the good news was my clothes were not in their apartment so I wouldn't have to come back and ask for them later. The bad news was I had no way to getof getting into my apartment.

I got desperate and started looking underneath furniture. In a normal person's house, this wouldn't be all that odd but Sheldon perfected the 'Every thing in it's place and a place for every thing' idea.

I was kneeling on the floor, bent to look under the sofa when I heard my name. 'Penny?'

I was on my feet so fast I nearly fainted from the movement. Thankfully it wasn't Sheldon but Leonard.


	2. Chapter 2

**_The Paternal Catalyst_  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments. **

_Author's Note:__ In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect. _

(This fic was beta'd by the charming **talkingmetaphor** without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

2

Leonard

'But Leonard--'

'_No, _Howard,' said Leonard for the seventh time. The first had sounded stern and commanding but since then, he'd lost the will to put emotion into it. He had the slightly slumped stature of a man who could count on one hand the amount of no's before he'd fold like a bad poker player. 'We are _not_ going to go back so you can hit on the bartender. Again.'

They rounded another flight of stairs and the small brunette danced around the other, insistent. 'I swear she was making goo-goo eyes at me. Did you see the way she'd make an excuse to come to our side of the bar?'

'Where the commonly purchased beer bottles were? Yeah.'

Raj had been silent with a smug grin on his face. He'd managed to find a barfly. But he came off his high briefly enough to put in, 'Dude, I think she might have been a _he_.'

'I don't think so,' argued the Jew.

'But do you want to risk it? Remember what happened last time?'

Leonard remembered. That had been a long night for all of them.

'_Fine_.' Howard relented.

Taking the opportunity to get off the subject they'd been on ad nauseam, Leonard reminded them, 'Okay, it's nearly five o'clock so Sheldon will be up in fifteen minutes. Raj, be _very quiet_ when you go to the bathroom and immediately afterwards, you two have to leave. You know how Sheldon hates . . .' he looked up to search for the word. 'Well, a lot of things.'

Both of the others agreed with a slight bit of annoyance and then walked quietly up the last flight of stairs. Leonard still hadn't gotten around to figuring the range of Sheldon's hearing or how it applied when Sheldon was asleep.

He slid the key in the door as quietly as possible, barely daring to breathe. He'd promised to be home much, much later. The original plan was to go to a small convention in Pasadena. Sheldon didn't want to go because none of his preferred fandoms were featured. The biggest reason Wolowitz wanted to go was for the Princess Leias, even though Star Wars was nowhere near the convention. However, there _were_ a few women and they were dressed in some provocative clothing. So of course Wolowitz hit on them. What they hadn't foreseen was one of those women knowing the building manager and getting them all kicked out. Depressed, they'd returned home but spent some time at the bar. If he could just sneak in his bedroom and stay in there until Sheldon went down to get the mail, Leonard could then get down the small back stairs and round the building to the front door, where he would pretend to arrive home.

But when he opened the door, the sight before him erased his memory. A woman was on her hands and knees, ear to the floor to seemingly peer under his sofa. She had on only a shirt that had hiked up to reveal her underwear. 'Penny?'

Her head popped up, eyes like a frightened rabbit's. Quick as the aforementioned quadruped, she stood up and tried unsuccessfully to arrange her face into anything but panic.

Behind him, Howard let out a guttural sound.

'What are you doing?' asked Leonard, taking in her appearance. Even when they were together, the least clothing she'd wear over would be shorts and a tank-top. The naked wouldn't come until they were behind closed doors.

She sighed and tried to smile, waving her hand in front of her face. 'Oh, I just lost my keys.' Excessive nodding followed.

'And you think they might be under our couch?'

It was as if she was about to respond but thought better of it, biting one side of her lip. Something he always loved. But then she said, 'Actually, I was looking for the spare key you guys have.'

He wanted to press it, because why would he have put it under his couch? Shrugging, he took the key off his key ring and gave it to her. What he was more concerned with was where she had previously been, dressed as she was. It was all he could do not to fly into a jealous rage, or jealous _sulk_ as it were. Penny and he had had multiple discussions on trust. Besides, she was clearly drunk off her ass. For all he knew, she just went . . . Well he'd find out in the morning.

She smiled, looked a bit nauseated for a second, took the key, and left.

After they'd watched her go into her apartment, Raj said, 'I didn't know she liked the Flash.'

'Shh!' Leonard shushed him, jerking his head toward the hallway. _Go to the bathroom and hurry, _he mouthed.

Howard just stood there, a goofy grin on his face. He hadn't gotten laid but a little show had been enough to sustain him.

But Rajesh took far too long in the bathroom and that, with Penny distracting him, meant he had just minutes to get his friends out, and himself into his bedroom before his roommate's alarm went off. He used what little light came from the window to crawl into bed and close his eyes. Might as well get some sleep.

His watch alarm went off and he awoke an hour later, head clogged with the last tendrils of a dream he couldn't remember. But he had to get outside so he could keep from upsetting Sheldon. Grumbling at the increased difficulty of living with the theoretical physicist (instead of the assumed greater ease of life when he thought to move in with someone), he got out of bed.

But he did not leave as he'd intended because something on the floor caught his attention. It right next to his bed--he must have stepped over it when he got in. Upon closer inspection it appeared to be some sort of shimmery cloth and he picked it up. A pretty, fancy dress.

_Knock, knock, knock. _'Leonard.'

The sound caused Leonard to jerk in surprise.

_Knock, knock, knock. _'Leonard'. _Knock, knock--_

He opened the door mid-knock, and Sheldon simply dropped his hand and straightened to his full height. 'Good morning,' he said pleasantly.

Leonard held up the garment in his hand. 'What is this doing in my room?'

'It would seem it is hanging from your hand.'

'Who's is it?'

Sheldon looked down at it. 'Penny's. It was careless of her to leave it here. But onto more important matters.'

_Penny?_ _What is her dress doing in my room? And why would she take it off to put on a dress, then . . . _'Sheldon . . .'

The taller man wasn't going to deviate from his topic. 'It's September 16th.'

'But why was--'

'Do you know what I wear on the sixteenth of every month?' pressed Sheldon meaningfully.

Leonard knew he wouldn't be able to get to his topic until he heard Sheldon out. So he tried to remember. But all those lists and schedules, Leonard couldn't possibly be expected to remember them all. Well, Sheldon expected that, but he was unrealistic. 'Clothes?' he guessed. 'Why would Penny leave her dress in here?'

'Well, how should I know?' Sheldon demanded. 'Do you know where my _The Flash_ shirt is or not?'

'_No, _Sheldon. Why would I know? Aren't you the anal one who--' And then the image from the night before, the one he'd completely forgotten about, appeared in front of his eyes. Penny in his apartment, wearing nothing but a red shirt and underwear; a red shirt which Koothrappali had identified as bearing the very fast superhero's symbol. 'Sheldon . . . when I came home this morning--'

'Ah, so you will admit to coming home before the predicted time? I heard your plan to Wolowitz and Koothrappali and feared I'd have to suffer through your pretense.'

'_When I came home,' _Leonard raised his voice. 'Penny was in our apartment.'

Sheldon only looked at him patiently, expression anything but of surprise.

So the shorter man specified, 'Wearing nothing but your Flash shirt.'

Like a robot booted up, Sheldon inhaled and said to himself, 'Why would she choose to put on my clothes when her own are made to fit her, whereas mine fit only _me_?'

_That's the weird part? _'Why wasn't she wearing clothes in the first place?'

'She was but she took them off when she arrived here.' Before Leonard could question him further, Sheldon simply stated, 'I'm afraid I can't go any further into detail on the subject. Penny _requested_ I not talk about it with you.' The way he said the word _requested_ implied it was an agreement to which Sheldon did not arrive willingly.

As his roommate left, Leonard stood there still holding the dress, mind trying to comprehend what just happened. He knew what the individual words meant and yet when they were put together he couldn't make heads or tails. _No, _he assured himself. _It has to be a mistake_. Like the friends with benefits fiasco, when he walked out of her apartment early in the morning, proclaiming he enjoyed friends with benefits. He'd jumped to conclusions, of course, something Sheldon himself chastised him for. It was something about viewing minimal evidence (in that case, Sheldon coming from the apartment and his statement) and deciding there was only one solution. When in reality, there wasn't enough to draw any conclusion.

There had to be other meanings behind the current one, he knew it. He just wasn't seeing it. What did he know?

**1. Penny was at the apartment sometime from the time he left to the time he returned.**

**2. Sheldon was aware of this, and seemingly okay with it.**

**3. She had on clothes when she got there.**

**4. Sometime during her stay, she took them off.**

**5. And put on Sheldon's shirt.**

**6. Leaving behind her dress.**

**7. She swore Sheldon to secrecy.**

He had nothing.

'Buddy?' he asked in his most sing-song voice, following Sheldon into the kitchen. 'Can I ask you a question?'

'You just did,' said Sheldon, bored as he tried to select from his cereals.

Leonard tried again. 'Did you and Penny . . .' he almost didn't want to say it. It sounded crazy. 'Did you and Penny . . . you know . . .'

'You cannot assume I know of what you are speaking. I understand the term is a placeholder for vagueness on which subject you excel at.'

'Sheldon, did you sleep with Penny last night?'

He stopped and turned to face Leonard fully, expression like that of a doctor scrutinizing a mysterious symptom. And he said nothing for a good long while before he replied. 'Do you have short-term memory loss? I told you last night will forever remain a mystery to you. However, if you insist on knowing I suggest you ask her. In what I deem to be an unbalanced pact, the secret-keeping renders only the person who initiated the silence to break it. While you're at it, get my shirt back.'


	3. Chapter 3

**__****__****_The Paternal Catalyst_  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments. **

**__****__**

_Author's Note:__ In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect. _

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

3

Penny

I never did go to sleep.

The alcohol gave me such a fog I could barely think straight enough to make it to the bathroom, much less contemplate what could have transpired. But each time I went horizontal, my stomach threatened to spill it's contents. So I tried sitting up but that didn't work when I closed my eyes, and still made me sick. So I forced myself to stay awake and wait out the hangover. I knew that eating something would probably be best, that and some good old coffee. But I was scared of the food making me worse, and I didn't have any coffee.

I sipped water instead, and turned on the TV to the lowest volume, setting the brightness to the point where I could just barely make out shapes. Any light seemed to slice through my eyeballs and my head throbbed horribly.

How long I sat there watching a special on tanks on the History channel, I don't know. I don't even think I retained any of the information though I did take notice of a dancing frog commercial. It was during said commercial that someone hit a wrecking ball against my door. I cringed and curled up as tight as I could, folding my feet beneath the overlong shirt and squeezing my hands against the side of my head.

'Penny?' It was Leonard, slightly muffled through the heavy door.

I remembered him vaguely from last night. Just him looking shocked. _I'm such a horrible person. _It was a belated concern, but I finally realized the full implication of my actions the night before. I might have cheated on him, with his roommate. And Leonard was so sweet and he didn't deserve that, nor did Sheldon. God, I was a home-wrecker.

He knocked some more but I held my own through it, feeling wretched for my cowardice. Finally, he gave up and I could hear him walking away.

Would I hole myself up in my apartment for the rest of my life? No, but I would for a while, at least until I could figure things out.

I was just about to turn my attention back to the army guy when more knocking sounded. This time three knocks in quick succession, followed by my name, then it all twice more, Sheldon. Oh, I definitely didn't want to see _him. _I know the right thing to do would have been to own up and apologize, but I just didn't want to. I felt like such crap from the alcohol alone, I wasn't sure if I could take the address stress.

It was quiet so I thought he'd left. But then I heard him say, 'Penny, I know you're in there.'

I held my breath.

'I can still hear you.'

Damn his hearing! 'S'open,' I called, though it came out heavily slurred and barely audible.

Still in his robe and pajamas, Sheldon stepped smartly into the room and shut the door behind him. I rolled my eyes over to him and he looked at me with disapproval. 'I want you to return what you stole.'

'I din't steal anythin',' I protested.

He pointed to my chest. 'I've caught you red-handed or, more appropriately, red-shirted.'

I looked down to see an upside-down lightening bolt on my chest and I remembered it was the symbol of some super hero… or villain… or something. The shirt I had been thanking for being so soft (the toilet for being so cool, the couch, cushiony) was indeed one I'd seen on Sheldon many times. The one, it would seem, I'd taken from his closet. A bit sheepish, I said, 'Oh.'

'_Oh_ is right,' he lectured, walking around to take a seat next to me. 'I want to know why you stole from me after I opened my home to you.'

'Shhh,' I begged. 'Nosso loud.'

He dropped his voice to a whisper. 'Ah. A common result of heavy intake of alcohol can result in audio sensitivity, sometimes coupled with aversion to light, nausea, and headaches.'

'I din't steal from you,' I told him, barely able to stay on one track, let alone understand his geek speak. 'I jusscouldn't find my clothes.' Nooo, that wasn't the way I wanted to crack the problem. 'Sheld'n, whahappened lassnight?.'

'Do you mean before or after you burglarized my apartment then stole away into the night like a common criminal?'

I wasn't to be deterred. 'Did we have sexslass night?'

His mouth opened, ready to give out one of his usual responses, but then he looked at me. 'What?' This voice wasn't his usual smugness or explanation, but one of complete befuddlement. 'Sorry. I don't follow.'

'Sheld'n.' I tried to turn myself so I was facing him, but couldn't hold my head up. 'I don' 'member lassnight, kay? Jussat I woke up in _your_ bed, prac'ly naked.'

'People aren't allowed in my room,' he said, almost robotically. Then when he saw that my anger was not diluted by the vodka, he tried again. 'Memory _black-outs_ are also a side-effect of ethanol consumption. Did you know that--'

'_Sheld'n!'_

Sheldon looked peeved as could be but did start talking. 'I cannot speak for what happened to you earlier in the night as I was not _there_. But at approximately one in the morning, you showed up at my door, and said you didn't have your keys. I couldn't understand much, but you mentioned a car, and someone named Amber, and then asked if I could let you stay over. As I am aware this is a facet of friendships, I relented and allowed you. I checked your blood-alcohol level to determine whether or not you had alcohol poisoning, before I could allow you to sleep. Before you went into Leonard's room--where you insisted on sleeping--you proceeded to tell me something about your father, and then asked me not to tell anyone anything.'

. . . 'And _then?_'

'And then you went to bed.' He squinted at me. 'Really, whatever you drank last night has done a number on your intelligence.'

'So we din't have sex?'

'No!' he said, in such an offended manner I almost felt a bit hurt. He leveled his voice out, remembering my audio--audible--loud things hurt. 'I don't know why you wound up in my bedroom, in my . . . bed. And since you are experiencing difficulties with your long-term memory, I suppose we'll never know. However, knowing the effects of the drug in your system, I assume you got up to use the restroom, then got confused on your way back.'

I should have been relieved. So why wasn't I?

He looked at me, really looked at me. 'You're sweating. And your speech is slurred. From my understanding, these effects should only be present the night of, not the morning after, heavy drinking. Did you resume alcoholic intake?'

'No. I jussdin't sleep.'

Sheldon's blue eyes loomed far too close in my vision. 'Have you eaten anything?'

'Donwan barf.'

Sighing as if I was an invalid, he stood up and left.

Good now that was over with.

But minutes later he was back, balancing a glass of what looked like orange juice, a small white bottle, a plate of toast, and an ice pack. On his heels was Leonard, practically bounding around his roommate to see what was going on. 'Sheldon, what is going _on?_'

Sheldon ignored him but instead made a beeline to me. He held out the glass. 'Drink.'

'Got water. But thanks sweetie.'

'The acetaldehyde most likely in the drinks you had has made you dehydrated. Juice is best suited for replenishing the body of liquids.' He paused. 'Drink.'

I made one last protest. 'Whabout coffee?'

His heavy lidded eyes glowered at me, as if to accuse me of being stupid on purpose. 'Really, Penny. Even _you_ should know caffeinated drinks will worsen the dehydration.'

Sighing, I took the glass from him. As if daring me to spit it back up, Sheldon stared hard at me until I took a long enough sip.

Once that was completed, he unscrewed the cap of the little bottle and dumped out two red pills. 'For the pain.'

'What're they?'

'Trust me,' was all he said. And who else could I trust but him? He was a super genius, after all, his weakness solely in personal affairs. Technical stuff like medicine . . . yeah I had to trust him. So I took the unmarked tablets and chased them with the slightly sour liquid.

Next he held out the plate with one piece of toast.

'Whassat face onnit?' I asked, noting the burn lines, making up what might be a dog.

'A Cylon,' he said.

I stared at the food dubiously. 'But I'll barf--'

'Penny,' he said and I knew by the tone of his voice, he was getting tired of me arguing. 'In order for your body to gain back the energy it lost, and soak up the acetaldehyde and get rid of it, you need nourishment. Also, bland foods such as toast will help to ease the stomach.'

I was beginning to feel like a little kid, and resenting him for it. But nevertheless I complied as I didn't have the energy to spar with him. 'Syour fault, I barf. You're cleanin' it up.' As I broke off my first piece, Leonard, who had been standing by the chair with his arms folded, alarm on his face, blurted, 'Okay, what the hell is going _on_ here?'

Sheldon looked lazily up at his roommate. 'Can't you tell? Penny is sick. She imbibed a lot of alcohol last night.'

'Yes, but why are _you_ taking care of her.'

'Leonard, were you not here to witness her trying to imbibe _caffeine _while intoxicated? The state her mind is in, I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to take acetaminophen. And keep your voice down. Penny's brain is processing sound at a much louder frequency than is actually being presented.'

Somehow my sluggish brain translated that, though I still couldn't say it. 'Whasswrong with aseetaph--asstameta--Tylenol?'

'Nothing if you don't mind your liver exploding.' He took the empty plate from me and set it on the table. 'Now, you need to get sleep. REM sleep is necessary, not just in general, but to aid your body in flushing the toxins from your system. It is in this state that certain parts of your brain shut itself down to some in-house cleaning. Something I will suggest you do outside of your cerebral cortex. Without this repairing, the brain degrades and you are more susceptible to--'

Sheldon's intelligence never passed my attention and I knew, logically, that everything he was saying was right. Or probably was. However, when you're feeling incredibly pukey and self-hating for putting yourself in such a state, logic does not enter into the equation. Pounding migraines, however, do. Though he was doing his best to keep his voice low, any noise at all was painful. So I said, 'Sleep it off. I get it.'

I stood up and Leonard rushed to my side. 'I'll help you get to bed,' he said, and grabbed my elbow. I was drunk, but not incapacitated. Still, I let him walk me into my bedroom while Sheldon announced he was going back to their apartment to get his cleaning supplies. I wanted to argue but I didn't have the energy. My place needed to be straightened up anyway.

Once we got into my bedroom, Leonard shut the door, muffling any sounds Sheldon would soon be making. He helped tuck me in but didn't leave immediately, choosing instead to perch on the edge of my bed. 'Penny,' he started, hesitantly. 'I don't want you to think I'm accusing you of something, because I'm not.' This last bit he added in haste, though I made no move to protest. He sighed, scrunched up his face and looked at me from the corner of his eyes. 'What happened last night, between you and Sheldon?'

'I don'member,' I said honestly. Leonard adopted a worried look on his face and my stomach lurched at his sweetness. We'd gotten into fights numerous times, sometimes about me hanging out with men. I'd gathered that he somehow didn't feel worthy of me (and I felt the other way around), so he got a bit jealous of any guy I hung out with. I'd finally convinced him to get over his insecurity issues (I didn't worry about him working with Leslie, who he once dated) and let me have male friends. Leonard was so unlike men I dated, in that if I did cheat on him (which I never would do, never did to anyone) he'd probably just blame himself. Yet as he sat on my bed, I could tell he was worried as well. Not in losing me, but for Sheldon. And yes, maybe some worry was of losing me. I truly did not deserve him. 'But Sheld'n filled me in on the details. I wennout las'night with some friends, and they dropped me off at home. Or somethin'. I wounup outside of your apartment, forgot my keys. Sheld'n lemme in and lemme stay.' It nearly made me toss my cookies but I omitted the part where I woke up in Sheldon's bed. It was an unnecessary detail. Wait. 'Why din't you assheld'n?'

He was insistent. 'He said you made him swear not to tell me.'

Why would I do that? Why would I keep something from my boyfriend? Well, except for my physics lessons with Sheldon, and the whole not-finishing-community-college thing. Okay so the only things I kept from Leonard were things I was self-conscious about. Maybe I'd told Sheldon something I didn't want Leonard to know . . . but what? If I didn't find it out, I was going to eat myself away from the inside. 'I din't want you to know I stuply forgot my keys in my car. D'you think you could get them for me?'

There was a second of hesitation but he nodded and stood up. 'Sure.'

He left the door open just enough that I could see through to my front door. Through the space I saw him say something toward where my kitchen was, and dimly heard Sheldon reply. Then Leonard was through the door and as soon as I felt it was safe enough, I yelled for Sheldon.

Wielding a feather duster like a club, he poked his head in. 'You're supposed to be asleep.'

'C'mere,' I ordered him, patting my bed. 'I gotta talk t'you before Leonard gessback.'

'Sleep first. We can talk later.' Then he disappeared.

I got desperate. 'Wait!'

He was back and there was an expression on his face that could only be barely-contained impatience. The fact that he was containing it at all was flattering.

'Sing Soffkiddy to me.' I pouted my lips and widened my eyes.

'You're not sick.'

'But I could _get_ sick,' I warned.

He sighed and worked his jaw. I was using something close to him and I was damn proud of my brilliance. He sighed again and set down the duster before coming to sit on my bed.

As soon as he did, I grabbed his hand and held it with both of mine. I didn't let him start. 'We gotta talk.'

'Penny . . .'

'Leonard said I told you notta tell him 'bout lassnight. Whaddid I wanna keep secret?' Even though I could phrase the words in my mind perfectly fine, they were coming out odd. Like my lips and tongue were only half-heartedly forming the words and I didn't know how to make them comply fully.

'I'm not sure . . .' I could see him working through his brain to figure it out. 'You said many things but you didn't specify which you didn't want said.'

'What all did I say?' Sheldon asked if I wanted it verbatim or paraphrased, I asked for the latter.

He got a glazed look to his eyes, like a person listening into a phone. 'The first thing you did was explain that you locked your keys in your car to prevent yourself from driving home; disregarding the fact that you then had no way of unlocking your car, there were many other reasons for the illogic in this move. For example, as you explained it, you were picked up from here by a designated driver, who then returned you after you were through; after which action you locked your keys up which was pointless because--'

'I _geddit _Sheld'n,' I told him impatiently.

'--but your reasoning skills were severely impaired,' he finished. 'You then asked me if I had the spare key and I explained that I did not; Leonard kept it on his person. You then asked if you could stay over, which sounded more like a demand in my opinion, particularly when you made a point to remind me that you had once done the same for me.' Here he gave me a stern look, probably to remind me how unnecessary it was to remind him of anything. 'You insisted on talking and so you did… at _length._ You said that your friend Tiffany was sleeping with your ex-boyfriend Todd, a customer at the Cheesecake Factory yelled at you because his mashed potatoes had chives in them, which he mistook for onions. He called you ugly and since you rely on the opinions of others, it made you sad. You said nobody hit on you in the bar. I looked that up, actually, and it would seem that is much less painful than I'd originally thought. Oh, and you mentioned that your father had called you, saying he was coming down to visit you.'

I could just remember being on the phone and the dread I felt after I hung up, but the rest had been Etch-A-Sketched away. I wasn't living the dream my father so disapproved of; I was a pathetic waitress. I hadn't done anything for myself and he was coming here? 'Thassit,' I say, squeezing his arm. 'You can't tell Leonard about my dad coming into town. Promise.'

He rolled his eyes and tried to wiggle free. 'Penny, I already promised.'

'You won't tell?'

'_No._ Now let go of my arm.' I did and he rubbed it. But he didn't immediately get up, just sat there sort of looking down at the bed.

Then he looked up and away and asked, 'Are you ashamed of him?'

'Leonard?'

He shook his head. 'Your father.'

'No,' I said.

'Then why don't you want Leonard to know?'

I shrugged. 'My dad doesn't 'prove of anythin' I do, really. He cricised my choice to come here, my aspertions, has always had a problem with eash one of m'boyfriends. He preferred the onesoo were manlier, and he would try to make them his surrogate sons. And when those guys evenshly turned into assholes, dad gave me the colshoulder for weeks affer I'd broken up with them. Leonard isn't . . . well he's masculine but he'snot Dad's ideal son. And if I'm datin' someone Dad doesn'want to parent, then he'll ridicule that particular guy to tears.'

'Is that why you choose to have so many sexual partners, in an attempt to please your father?'

I ignored his question. I had a feeling the father's phone call was probably the catalyst that resulted in my night of drinking. Now that I had to actually deal with the problem, face the fact that I was going to face Dear Old Daddy again, I no longer regretted my hangover. I understood it. Don't get me wrong, I loved my dad. He'd never been bad to me, per se, but he'd always been disappointed in me, no matter what. I'd never be good enough for him. I knew this, but I still tried.

'Sheld'n,' I purr, clutching his sleeve before he could leave. 'Sing Soffkiddy.'


	4. Chapter 4

_**The Paternal Catalyst**_**  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.**

_  
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect._

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

4

Penny

'So this is where you live?' My father was completely out of place in his warn plaid shirt and mud-stained jeans. California was a bright place of the latest trends and my father was as rural as they came. We had just walked into my apartment, which he'd insisted on seeing to make sure I was 'living the good life'. Sheldon's cleaning had given me a head start but I still had to shove a bunch of clothes underneath my bed. Dad had a look of disdain as he peered at the aged painted walls, the girly colors.

I glanced at the bottles on top of my fridge and mentally kicked myself for not hiding those. I didn't want him to think I was some sort of alcoholic. 'Yeah, it's cozy. Good neighborhood. Listen, why didn't Mom come down?'

My dad stooped over to peer into my fridge, and then opened up each of my cupboards making tsk sounds all the way. 'Your mother had to work a double-shift at the clinic. Is this really all the food you have?'

'It's been a while since I went shopping.'

'We'll go tonight; I'll buy you some groceries.'

I sighed. I saw it coming. 'No, Dad that's okay. I've got plenty of money.' So long as I don't intend on living here anymore. Then yeah, I could eat well each month. But he didn't have to know The Cheesecake Factory cut my hours. again. I was starting to feel like I was getting pushed out.

'I thought actors got paid a lot,' commented Dad, turning to look dead into my eyes. Like me, he had a roundish face and large eyes. The blond hair I got from my mom; my dad's once-black hair had a dusting of grey. He'd developed a belly since I'd moved here after community college but other than that, he looked just the same. Down to the disapproving eyes.

'I've been . . . holding out for the right position.' I did not mention the only promising offer was porn, and it was getting more and more tempting. Before he could say anything, I changed the subject. 'You know what, why don't we go to the grocery store and come back here and I'll cook you up your favorite dish; how about that, Daddy?'

He gave me a faraway smile and said, 'Okay.'

But when we stepped into the hallway, I heard voices. Voices that made me consider going back up to the roof and making that leap across the gap.

Sheldon appeared first, long neck craned to look beside and slightly behind him. 'Well how was I to foresee him visiting home for the holidays?'

'Well,' came Leonard's dry voice. 'There has been the sign on the door for two weeks.'

'Your point?' asked the taller of the two, moving to unlock their door.

Leonard had made it to the landing but hadn't noticed me and Dad quite yet. To Sheldon, he insisted, 'You have a photographic memory. Why wouldn't you remember that?'

'I only remember what I notice.' Then he caught my eye over my boyfriend's head, and I knew he was trying to distract the other so we could make a clean getaway.

It might have worked, too, were it not for my father. 'Penny, aren't you going to introduce me to your neighbors?'

Leonard turned around in surprise. 'Hello?' he said uncertainly.

'Dad, this is Leonard and Sheldon. Guys, my father.'

'Leonard your boyfriend?'

'Yep. Now that you've met, we need to go to the store. Remember, the store? So I can make the food?'

But it was no use. His eyes were fixated on Leonard, scrutinizing his every move. Leonard, for his part, kept throwing curious glances my way and Sheldon was just avoiding looking at me altogether.

Dad smiled brilliantly at Leonard, though I could tell it was a shark's smile. 'Well, Penny. Why don't we invite these boys to eat with us?'

'It's Halo night,' said Sheldon and for once I was thankful for his retentiveness.

'That'd be awesome,' Leonard ignored his friend. 'You know, actually, our apartment's bigger than Penny's, if you guys want to cook there.'

'Splendid,' my dad said, delighted. He turned to me. 'Why don't you go to the store without me, let me bond with Leonard, here. You can take Steve with you.'

'Sheldon.' But it was no use. They were already going into Leonard and Sheldon's apartment, leaving me and Sheldon alone in the hallway.

He protested, 'But it's Halo night.'

'Sheldon,' I groaned as I half-dragged him down the stairs. 'I thought you were going to keep Leonard out of the apartment.'

'The agreement was for me to get him out of the apartment; you did not specify how _long_ to keep him there.'


	5. Chapter 5

_**The Paternal Catalyst**_**  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.**

_  
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect._

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

5

Sheldon

_Dr. Beverly Hofstadter PHD, _

_I have taken your suggested methods of falsification and trickery and have begun to apply them to various situations. Such opportunities have arisen and thus far my deceit has been a success. So far I have only had a chance to use the __omission and fabrication lying strategies, though on both occasions I have had no problems. _

_The most recent lie was to your son, Leonard. In an effort to lure him from our home, I asked him to take me to the comic book store. As you may have surmised this was not my reasoning for getting him out of the household. I did say I wanted to go to the aforementioned destination, though I did not specify _when_. Leonard assumed I meant tonight and took me. I had always mistakenly clumped all methods of lying to be the same in the essence that if I could not do one, I couldn't do the rest. Clearly this was a mistake on my part as simply placing a truth in place of a lie, and taking a proverbial eraser to the parts I didn't want Leonard to see was surprisingly easy._

_An interesting factor I had neglected to consider came into play, as lying to different people will take different strategies. The basic methodology might be identical but as people have different thought patterns, and their relative relation and familiarity of my idiosyncrasies posed intriguing obstacles. Leonard has lived with me for numerous years now and is probably most intimate with my habits. Indeed when I made my statement he was suspicious of my motive. However I took your advice and did not waver in my lie. You are correct, Doctor, Leonard will believe anything you tell him so long as you are persistent enough. __This would explain his career choice. _

_I am not so close to Penny as I am to Leonard, this comes with the added benefit of her not residing in my household. However, she does possess an acute awareness of other's emotions; something that I read is necessary in both food service and acting. _

_Last night, in the middle of my previous email to you, in fact, Penny showed up severely intoxicated. I will not bore you with the details but suffice it to say I was forced to allow her to stay the night. When not in REM cycles, as you know, my sleeping patterns are very weak and I'm prone to easy awakening. At approximately four in the morning, Penny moved from sleeping in Leonard's bed, to mine. An hour ad forty-six minutes later she awoke and quickly vacated both my bedroom, and my apartment. When inquired after this I lead her to believe I hadn't been aware of her sleeping situation. Fortunately she was deprived of sleep and still had the effects of last night's inebriation __so her awareness level was severely depleted. _

_I look forward to more lessons from you. _

_Sheldon Cooper PHD_


	6. Chapter 6

_**The Paternal Catalyst**_**  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.**

_  
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect._

(This fic was beta'd by the charming lj user="talkingmetaphor" without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

6

Dinner: Bob, Leonard, Penny, and Sheldon

Bob: Leonard tells me you didn't mention I was coming.

Penny: Uh, yeah I forgot.

Sheldon: Memory loss is common when one takes in more alcohol than the body can handle. Depending on the amount, the person's weight and history of drinking, entire days can be lost. Penny's tolerance level is high enough so that she only lost a few hours preceding her first drink.

B: Penny, how often do you drink?

S: The 'T' in 'often' is actually silent.

P: Only casually, Dad.

B: Define 'casual'. Your cousin Bert drank 'casually' and the next thing you know, a hooker is calling us with his phone because he passed out mid-sex and she wanted him off her corner.

P: I'm not an alcoholic, I promise.

Leonard: This lasagna is really good, Penny.

P: Thank you.

L: And without cheese, too!

S (to Bob): In order for Penny to be classified as an alcoholic, the liquid would have to stifle her everyday life, such as her career and social life. The only addictive behaviors she ever exhibited were to online gaming where she forwent bathing and working. Her friends felt the effects as well.

P: You aren't helping.

S: I'm not trying to.

L (to Bob): What do you do for a living?

B: I'm a retired farmer. (to Penny) You really haven't told him anything about me?

L: Oh yes, she has. She said that you used to call her slugger until she grew--okay I'll shut up now.

B (to Penny): And I've heard nothing of Larry--

L: Leonard.

B: --in fact, I only know you even _have_ a boyfriend because of your mother.

P: I'm sorry, I just . . .

B: It's understandable. He's just another one of those throwaway boyfriends, right?

P: _Dad!_

B: What? It's not like you _usually_ have long-term boyfriends. At least Lenny is successful.

P: Success never had anything to do with it! Kent didn't have a job but you _loved_ him.

B: He had great aspirations and even greater potential.

S: Actually, Penny. Your father's feelings are very common.

L: Sheldon, Sh.

S (to Bob): About a thousand years ago, surnames were created out of necessity. One of the most common methods of choosing a surname or 'family name' was by the father's name. So if Dave has a son named Steve, Steve's name would be Steve Davidson. This helped push the thought amongst fathers of having their offspring 'carry on' their names. If their son was going to be sporting their name, they might as well do something to make the father proud. There grew other categories such as occupation and location, smith and hills, respectively. As people began immigrating, the literal carrying on of names became nonexistent. The idea, however, still remains.

B: I don't see your point.

L: No one does.

S: I haven't made it yet. Of course, some people take it to the extreme. Many psychologists believe this is actually a mental condition and some have gone so far as to create a profile of such a person. Based on what I've read of Leonard's mother, you probably had aspirations when you were younger, but failed to meet your goals. From what Penny's told me, such goals were of the athletic persuasion. Out of frustration for unmet potential you did what many parents are doing and chose to pass the proverbial buck to your offspring. In this case, Penny. Through frustration and using a form of projection, you have put yourself into her shoes, and are trying to control her much like a puppeteer does his puppet to meet your goals. Much like the Grimm's ugly stepsisters, you force Penny to fit into the form you have for her. The other side of the surname paradox is the offspring do want to carry on the name and make their parents proud. So Penny here tries to please you but ends up crippling herself. In essence, you are the cause for her failures.'

L: Sheldon! Apologize.

S: Why?

L: That was kind of mean.

S: I don't see why. I was only stating an observation and informing him of the causality of his situation.

P: Dad? Are you tired? I think we should go now.


	7. Chapter 7

_**The Paternal Catalyst**_**  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.**

_  
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect._

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

_Author's note: Penny's recap of the events aren't entirely accurate. This was done on purpose as I've noticed this is a flaw in her character_

7

Penny

Dad didn't say anything after that. Well, he did say he was going to call a cab and go back to his hotel. I tried to apologize for Sheldon's behavior but I also wanted my dad to apologize for his words to Leonard. Or about Leonard. In front of him. But whenever I broached the subject he just said, 'I don't want to get into this right now, Penn,' and that was it. It was, in fact, the last words he said to me before the cab pulled up. And I wondered: was he going to go straight back to Nebraska?

As soon as the yellow taxi disappeared around the corner, I ran up the four flights and walked into 4A.

The guys were pretty much as we had left them: Sheldon in his spot, Leonard in the chair. Not surprising as only a few minutes had passed and we weren't done with dinner. Both looked up at my sudden arrival with differing emotions. Leonard looked guilty while Sheldon looked blissfully unaware.

'Sheldon,' I snarled and started toward the taller man.

Leonard was on his feet and between us in a flash, his arms splayed like a soccer goalie. 'Now Penny,' he said in a tone one would use to calm a spastic horse. 'Sheldon _did _say some rude things, but he really--'

'Move, Leonard.'

'Okay.' He did, though kept a wary eye on his friend, as if expecting me to actually castrate Sheldon.

Sheldon, meanwhile, was rising to his feet slowly, his head only turned in my direction. There was, I was happy to see, some fear in those baby blues as I advanced on him. 'Sheldon, that was my _father_.'

'I'm aware. You _did _introduce him as such.'

'You don't talk to him that way, you understand? He's my _father_ and doesn't deserve such disrespect.'

He thought for only a brief second. 'By that logic we should respect Joseph Stalin, for he was a father of two.'

Ooh, I wanted to strangle him. How I kept from doing so, who knows? Instead I just put one finger to his chest and pushed gently until he flopped onto the couch. 'Listen, Asshole, this is the only time my father has visited me the _entire_ time I've lived in California. The one time! And not even a day into his visit you send him away.'

'I did no such thing,' protested Sheldon. 'You are the only one of your household who has ever been banished from here.'

I bent down so my hands were on the couch back on either side of his head. He leaned back and looked up at me impassively. 'Sheldon, you essentially called my father a loser and because of such, he may never speak to me again.' To my horror, my vision blurred instantly and a teardrop landed in his lap. He watched it fall then blinked up at me. 'You're an arrogant, selfish bastard without consideration for anybody else.'

Suddenly he stood and I had to back up to avoid getting my nose bashed in. 'Well, you're wrong about the latter.' Then he reached beside the sofa and plucked up something slightly fuzzy. 'I bought you these.'

My eyes take a second to focus on what he was holding. They were pale blue. 'Slippers?' I was so confused I forgot to be angry. 'Why did you buy me slippers?' Okay so Mom taught me to say _thank you_ when someone gifts something to you. However, I don't think Mom would have done differently for the randomness.

'Your feet are ice-cold.'

I blinked hard once, twice. But I couldn't comprehend it anymore. That answered the why, though it still didn't make sense. So I went for another question. 'How does that make you considerate?'

He shot me a look of slight incredulity. 'Penny, you have low circulation in your lower extremities and I brought it upon myself to get you something practical to insulate what little heat you do produce. This is for you and for any future bedmates.'

_Bedmates . . . _Wait. 'Sheldon, how do you know my feet are cold?' I asked slowly. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Leonard watching the both of us warily.

He only smirked in response and my stomach dropped out of my ass. And then, to my utter horror, a look of pure evil flashed through his eyes and, eyes trained on my face, he said, 'Leonard, last night while she was intoxicated, Penny and I slept together.' Then he about-faced and marched toward his door.

'I thought you were asleep the entire time!'

Just as he reached his bedroom door, he turned and said, 'Bazinga,' then went into his bedroom.

I was on his heels in a second, his nobody-in-my-room-rule be damned. I tried to catch my foot in the door before he could close it, instead I managed to slip in completely and shut the door behind me. He spun, looking completely put-out. 'What the hell was _that?' _I demanded.

Each muscle twitched as he tried to rearrange his face to look innocent. He failed.

'You said you were asleep when I got into bed with you.'

'No. You inferred that; I never expressly said I was asleep. For the record, I was awake when you got out, as well.'

I stared at him in disbelief. 'Why didn't you kick me out?'

He bent his long frame to sit on the edge of the bed and reached between his legs. From beneath the box spring came a Tupperware container roughly the size of an ottoman. He popped off the lid then finally looked up at me. I'd assumed he was taking his time to answer because he was just a jerk but when his eyes met mine, the last threads of concentration were present. 'I made some attempts to wake you but the alcohol stymied my attempts. I'd already lost enough sleep due to your excursion and my knowledge of alcohol was enough that I knew you probably wouldn't move much. I weighed the pros against the cons and decided to just resume sleep. I'm not pretending this decision wasn't biased by my already being tired.'

'And you were awake when I got up?' I pressed, my mental processors chugging to understand.

He sighed and started going through the shrink-wrapped comic books. 'In my sleep-addled state I did not take into account my discomfort for those in my bedroom and despite my sleepiness, I could not regain unconsciousness.'

An image of an annoyed Sheldon, lying in the middle of his bed, me tucked into one side, conked out and flew through my mind. I could see him glaring at me as I slumbered. My eyes instantly drifted to that bed, to the side where I dimly remembered waking up, scared shitless that I'd cheated on my boyfriend and worse, with his roommate. I looked at Sheldon and tried to imagine what was going through his head the entire time I slept. 'Why didn't you just keep trying to wake me up and kick me out so you could sleep?'

Sheldon's eyes stared into mine as if he was wondering at my intelligence. It was a familiar look. 'You once threatened to punch me in the throat if I woke you before eleven.' Oh. 'And I had insufficient upper body strength to carry you out so I just waited until you would awake.'

I was going to ask why he didn't just move himself to Leonard's bed or something but I knew this was probably a stupid question that would be answered with a laundry list of reasons that made sense only to Sheldon. So I focused on something else, and I tried not to seem too eager. 'Why didn't you say anything when I woke up? Couldn't you see how freaked out I was?'

'I did,' he said, pulling out some comics and setting them in a stack beside him. He talked to the box instead of me. 'You bore the expression akin to that of criminality which I extrapolated to mean your mental health might be more substantial should the event be forgotten.' He rolled his eyes at The Green Lantern as if to share his frustration with me with the figurine and summed, 'You seemed like you'd rather forget it and I didn't want to add any anchor to the memory. I had not foreseen that you'd steal an item of mine. So this is your fault.'

_Of course. _I had nothing to say after that. I mean, I was too surprised by the sudden turn of events. I'd been okay assuming I'd drunkenly crawled into bed with him because, well, it's Sheldon. He had no interest in sex that I could tell, least of all with me, so I knew the event had nothing more than platonic connotations. Somehow, though, the fact that Sheldon knew the entire time and still let me . . . it shouldn't have weirded me out. I mean, from his position he saw it as nothing more than an inconvenience, nothing sexual. I knew this, yet I my mind was stuck on thinking it was something else, that there was some sort of undercurrent in his reasoning. _Stop it_. 'Uh, well do me a favor. If my dad ever does decide to talk to me, don't be so rude to him.'

If it were anybody else, they would have noticed my less-than-smooth segue. But it was Sheldon and he followed easily. 'You're implying I was rude to him in the past. And I was not.'

I pinched the bridge of my nose, though relieved to be off the other topic. The room seemed a bit too small. 'You called my dad a loser.'

'I did not.'

'Did too.'

'Did not.'

'Did--Okay so maybe you didn't mean to but you did. Telling him he'd failed at life is rude.'

He thought for a second. 'Even if it's true?'

I nodded and took a step forward to sit beside him and explain, then thought better of it and crossed my arms. 'Yes. People don't like to be reminded of their failures. It's mean.'

'It's not mean,' argued Sheldon, standing up. 'How else will they learn?'

I pressed my back against the door, keeping as much distance between us as possible. I could have asked him to step back and he probably would, but I didn't want to admit my momentary lapse in sanity. Unlike Howard who oozed innuendoes so thick you could almost touch them, Sheldon was as innocent as a child in that respect. He still thought the graduate students who constantly offered to buy him food just wanted to commend him for his brilliance. Hopefully this would pass because I did not want things to get weird like this. He was really one of the only guys who I could feel comfortable around. Yeah I was comfy with the others but I knew that being guys, they were checking out my chest just as they did with any other girl.

'They were there, Sheldon. They know what mistakes they made and will learn from them,' I say to Sheldon now, in response to his question.

'From my observation of society I would say that is not the case at all.'

'Well my dad is one of the few who does learn. So, no pointing out his failures, okay?'

He stared at me then, his blue eyes like lasers and I felt exposed. Then he inhaled sharply and let it out in a sigh, sitting back down and refocusing on his attention back on the comics. 'Alrighty.' It almost sounded like a warning.

'Okay,' I said, nodding and we were both quiet. 'Are those slippers really for me?'

'They are more for your unfortunate bedmate, especially if said bedmate happens to be me again.'

It was casually said but I felt my face flush with sudden heat. I had to get out of there, away from him for a little bit, and calm down. 'Well, thank you anyway. I've got to go fix this thing with Leonard . . .' I thought of something. 'Listen, do me a favor and don't mention the whole us-sleeping-together thing, okay? If he asks, we slept in separate beds but you; you thought to use the double-entendre to get back at me… or something.'

'Are you asking me to lie?' he wanted to know. 'Again?'

I start to open the door. 'Yes. Thank you.' I opened the door and slipped right out before he could argue. I took a deep breath to collect myself and walked back out into the living room. Leonard was in the same spot I left him and turned as soon as he heard my footsteps. Before he could speak, I said, 'We need to talk.'

'Okay,' he said quietly and I made my way over to the couch, taking Sheldon's spot. 'Does this have something to do with what Sheldon said?'

My palms were sweaty so I rubbed them on my jeans. 'Yes,' I started. I actually hadn't thought beyond that. 'Well, Sheldon apparently took the fact that we were sleeping in the same apartment as sleeping together. He used the term to poke at both of us. I slept in your bed. You, you can trust me.' I was pulling the trust card and though I didn't actually cheat on him, I wasn't being very trustworthy either.

Leonard was quiet for a second, biting his lip and I worried he'd see more into it than what was. He'd have the same episode I was having. But then he smiled his goofy grin and said, 'Okay. Though I'd be more shocked than anything that Sheldon had had sex at _all_.'

I smiled at that and stood up. 'Listen, I need to go talk to my dad. I'll catch you later, okay?'

But before I could move away, he said, 'Hey, Penny. Why _didn't _you tell me your dad was coming?'

'Why didn't you tell me your mother was coming down for Christmas?' I countered and the memory of her drunken kiss with Sheldon flared up, and I didn't like it.

His lips went into a thin line. 'Good point.' Funny thing was, he didn't seem angry at all, just wore a look of grim acceptance.

'Well, I'm going to . . .'

'Yeah, yeah.' He waved me off absentmindedly so I left.


	8. Chapter 8

_**The Paternal Catalyst**_**  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.**

_  
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect._

(This fic was beta'd by the charming **talkingmetaphor** without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

8

Penny

I hadn't expected my dad to call, at least not the next day, waking me up at nine in the morning. I'd practically snarled into the phone, 'Hello?' There was silence on the other line and I feared it was my boss calling, asking me if I wanted to work. No matter how many times I told Tif I needed a day off, she'd always call on that day to offer me hours. Yet when I needed hours, none were to be had.

Then my dad's perfect phone voice, 'Penn? Listen, sweetheart. There's a Denny's by my hotel. You want to have breakfast and talk?' Despite my sleepiness and general rule of thumb to not wake up before noon if I could help it, the finality in his voice forced me to agree and I got dressed in record time. Traffic seemed to be on my side so that by the time I walked into the restaurant, our drinks had just arrived.

'Good morning,' said my dad with a tight smile. 'I ordered for you. You still like chocolate chip pancakes, right?'

I did, but I was going to have to jog about two miles to work off the weight. I didn't say that, though and took a long drink of the hot coffee, not caring if it burned my throat. I didn't know what to say to him. Should I wait until he started or do I need to begin? I was starting to understand Sheldon's analytical look at social protocol. I wished I could look at it that way. Remembering Sheldon, I said, 'Listen, Dad. I'm sorry for what Sheldon said. He didn't mean it as an insult. He just . . . he's . . . he doesn't know how to talk to people so he just spews out facts. He doesn't really understand feelings.'

Dad put up one calloused hand to stop me. He stared into his no-sugar-no-cream coffee, his sun-spotted forehead wrinkling. He inhaled and looked up, straight into my eyes. It scared me. 'I'm an alcoholic.'

'What?' _What? _It was so sudden I let out a small laugh, and then reined it immediate upon realizing how callous that seemed. 'I've never seen you with a beer,' I said, sounding stupid.

He nodded, sadly and rubbed his chin. There was silver stubble peeking through the skin and I tried to remember if he was scruff-faced yesterday or if this was just from lack of grooming. 'Do you remember when I went to a Farmer's Conference for two weeks shortly after your eighth birthday? There was no conference, Penny, I was actually in rehab.' He broke off as the waitress returned with our food.

I gaped at him, digesting this. He looked so sad and forlorn. I thought back to when I was thirteen and before. I hadn't noticed him drinking excessively, if at all. But then again, at that age was I really looking for it? He was a rough man, though he never raised his voice. I tried to think of what I knew of the symptoms of alcoholism and apply it to him back then. But my memory was foggy and wasn't revealing much. However, I did recall him being sick quite often leading up to his conference, now that I thought of it. 'I, I never knew,' I started. 'Are you okay?' Was he drinking now?

It was like I'd spoken the thought out loud. 'I've been sober fifteen years come November.' My father's face crumpled like a rotting pumpkin's. 'Your mom doesn't want me to tell you. You know how she is: she wants to keep all bad things from you. And I went along with it because I was ashamed. But after what your friend said, I knew I had to come clean.' I didn't speak, just waited for him because I sensed more was coming. 'When I was in high school, I was in a baseball league and it got me into UNO. I was set to play in the royals but in college, I started drinking. At first it was only at parties but then stress got to me and I did it whenever I hung out with friends. Then it was a shot or two before I went to class. Then I was getting kicked off the team for coming to a few games drunk, and my grades dropped, then I was kicked out.'

He covered his face with his hands but not fast enough for me to miss his watery eyes. I'm sure mine were the same. All along I'd thought of my dad both as my hero and worst detractor. I wanted nothing to please him and now, just as I was twenty-three I was learning he was flawed. I know, way to be late to the game. I loved him and could see how much it was hurting him, revealing this to me. Like he'd _wanted_ me to think he was perfect. But as he was telling me this, things were sliding into place, creating a clearer picture. 'That's why you've always been uncomfortable with me drinking.'

His hands were folded like in prayer and he leaned forward. 'If it starts taking over your life, you tell me, okay? I'm the last person who would criticize you and I'll do everything to help you. I don't want you to go through what I did.'

'I don't drink that often,' I promised. And it was true. Now, because he 'fessed up to me, I'd do the same. 'When I first got here, I did drink almost every weekend. I got pretty drunk, too. Then as I met the guys, it got further and further apart. Now it's once a month and mostly I just get buzzed. Sunday night was . . . a mistake. The last time before that that I got even remotely close was Christmas. _This_ drunk? Over a year.' As the words came out of my mouth, I truly realized the honesty of them. I also saw that, had I not met the guys, I might have gone down the same path my dad had. It had simply started that way, just as he'd described. As shaken as I was at how close I'd come to ruining my life, the fact that I didn't gave me strength.

Dad was proud and we talked more than we had for a long, long time. He told me about how they were adapting to 'city life' (they'd sold the farm and took early retirement). They lived in the suburbs, close to Westroads Mall. He said there was a Cheesecake Factory nearby and it made him think of me, always. He said Mom had insisted on getting cable and he couldn't handle 'all the channels'. He said they'd taken my cat, Chuck with them, an old farm tabby who usually preferred the indoors to the out. He was nearly twenty and Dad gently asked me what I wanted to happen when the time came. He talked frankly about his health problem (high cholesterol) and mom's menopausal 'fun', family gossip and catching up on friends of mine he'd ran into.

I in turn told him about my different auditions, mostly failures, and work (which was short). Then he wanted to know about the guys so I told him. I explained how kind they all were in their own ways, how Leonard was sweet, always striving to please others. Sheldon was a super-genius who was open to lending money and would sing Soft Kitty on request. Howard had self-awareness about him, a self-depreciating humor and commonly served as the voice of reason. And Raj, silent Raj and how well he listened, how he'd talk either through Howard or a grasshopper. I skimmed over that part but Dad took it in stride.

As I talked about the four of them it was like I could hear myself from a third-person's perspective. I loved them, deeper than I'd thought. If anything had happened to either of them, I would be miserable. Leonard seemed to be ashamed of his friends, himself, and me but he deeply cared for all of them. And Howard might hit on everything in a skirt in the most disgusting ways but after I'd insulted him, I learned he just didn't think he had anything to offer, despite evidence to the contrary. Raj couldn't talk and when got any awards his ego would inflate so fast I was shocked he didn't float away. But he was the least mean-spirited person I'd ever met. Sheldon didn't know how to talk to anybody except on an intellectual level. He always talked down to others, reminded them of his superiority and forced people to bend to his rules. Yet whenever I'd needed him, he hadn't failed to deliver. When I'd dislocated my shoulder he'd raced in to help, drove me to the hospital despite his fear of driving, stayed there with me for about four hours, then made sure I was safely tucked into bed and sang Soft Kitty with me. When I was short on money he'd offered to help and hadn't really cared when I repaid him.

Dad insisted on meeting all of them and I promised to set something up. His mustache twitched, one of his tells to mean he was hesitant about saying something. 'Penny, I want you to know I support your dream of becoming an actress. And from what I've seen you're very talented. And you'll get work, I know it. In the meantime, though, do you really want to work in restaurant?'

Had he said this before today, I would have taken offense. But knowing what I knew, he genuinely just seemed concerned, not that he was doubting my acting abilities. And he was right in that its tough going. 'I applied for many jobs before I got the one at The Cheesecake Factory.'

So he insisted we go back to my apartment, I get dressed, and then he took me job-hunting. I had a few on-the-spot interviews but mostly filled out applications. Dad was coaching me the entire way (he went to college for business management, then decided farming was up his ally or something) and I was pretty sure I didn't egregiously mess anything up. I used some of it as an exercise in acting, trying to play the part they wanted. Meanwhile, I called the Leonard's phone and asked him if the guys might be rounded up for dinner.


	9. Chapter 9

_**The Paternal Catalyst**_**  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.**

_  
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect._

(This fic was beta'd by the charming **talkingmetaphor** without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)_  
_

9

Leonard

Leonard wasn't happy to be at Big Boy's.

Sure it was Penny's father and it was a requirement for him to ingratiate himself to the man. Sure it was detrimental if he and Penny were going to work out at all. But from the first meeting, he didn't much like Penny's dad. The entire time they were talking while Penny and Sheldon were out getting food, Bob hadn't interrogated Leonard because there was no need: Leonard just babbled nervously. And every word out of his mouth was met with a look of utter disdain. Leonard got enough coming from Sheldon! Then there were his remarks about his and Penny's relationship.

So yeah, the prospect of going to the restaurant with him didn't exactly flush his body with endorphins.

To his credit, Bob didn't seem to be wont to demeaning either Leonard or his daughter. The surprising thing was he seemed quite open and friendly with all of them. He took Raj's silence with grace and Howard seemed to be behaving; at least his innuendos were kept to an absolute minimum. What was freaky was Penny's father seemed to adore Sheldon. Sheldon was the one who insulted the man!

Bob spent a good portion of the night feeding Sheldon's ego, which was already operating at capacity. He didn't look bored when Sheldon would babble on psychotically, though there were times Leonard saw his eyes glazing over a bit. Leonard caught a meaningful glance from Penny to Sheldon, one that threatened bodily harm. Sheldon, who had opened his mouth to speak, snapped it shut and focused on his cheeseburger.

But her dad caught it and insisted he reveal what he was going to say. Poor Sheldon looked stuck, unsure of whom to listen to. He wanted to say what he was going to say but he was afraid of Penny. In the end, he did say what he wanted, which was to inform Bob that he could see from how the man ate, Penny obviously got her cleaning skills from him.

Instead of being insulted, Bob laughed and then asked for more observations. Penny looked horrified but Sheldon kept on, though he scooted his chair as far from her as the table allowed.

Leonard did not like it one bit. _He _was Penny's boyfriend; _he_ should be the one Bob was most interested in. He should be bonding with his future son, not his future son's _roommate_. Had Leonard been an unwary observer, he would have thought Sheldon was the boyfriend instead.

Perhaps this was all stemming from The Night--that's how Leonard was beginning to think about it. What had initially seemed like a humorous misunderstanding similar to when Penny had gotten addicted to Age of Conan and had snuck into Sheldon's room had quickly settled very uncomfortably in Leonard's stomach. He'd been fine with the thought of her sleeping in his bed, then waking up disoriented and running out. In fact, he liked that idea quite a bit. But he'd also felt something was off in her explanation and was nearly-consciously trying to ignore that.

But when Sheldon had declared he'd slept with Penny, Leonard barely had time to laugh before Penny followed the other and they talked for far too long in Sheldon's bedroom. He'd had to resist listening at the door and when Penny had come out and voiced the truth, he'd felt all too relieved. First he just laughed at the dual connotations of 'sleeping with' someone. But then his mind painted a rendering of Penny curled against Sheldon's scrawny frame, her head resting on his chest. Anytime he tried to rid himself of the thought, it seemed to only sharpen. Leonard felt sick at the idea of Penny sleeping, even if only literally, with any male but the fact that said male was his friend only made it worse. There was a reason but it was dancing just out of orbit. Sheldon hadn't shown interest in anybody, male or female and commonly bragged about his lack of a libido. Of all his friends, Sheldon should have made Leonard the least anxious. Instead it was the opposite. He honestly thought he'd be happier if it was the recently broken-up Howard with whom Penny had shared a bed. He knew that while Howard was a nice guy and could dial down the sleaze when prompted, Penny would never have interest in him.

The epiphany appeared in the middle of Leonard's throat, blocking the Sprite he'd been trying to leak down his throat. He mumbled an _I'm okay_ to the table as soon as he could but went right back to examining the epiphany.

It was like his mind was revealing information it had heretofore been withholding, though he knew it was likely he hadn't noticed in his ignorance. Many of these events were ones he hadn't witnessed himself, such as Sheldon teaching Penny physics. Then there were the ones like the time he'd banished her from the apartment. Leonard wasn't sure which bothered him more: the things that went on behind closed doors, leading to infinite possibilities of what actually perspired or what happened in front of his face where things were more concrete.

Alone, each event probably meant nothing but there were far too many to be coincidental. When Penny first moved in she'd complimented Sheldon, even asking him to sit next to her in a flirtatious manner. It had made Leonard jealous at the time, but he'd quickly forgotten it as Sheldon presented more of his annoying idiosyncrasies to Penny. Yet now the fact remains that despite Sheldon's declaration that within their social circle Leonard was most likely to get with Penny, it was Sheldon who she had first set her sights on.

Ever since then she'd provoked him at nearly every turn, especially where his _spot_ was concerned. Which felt suspiciously almost like an inside joke between the two, as it was some of the first words he'd said to her. But even then, and on other occasions (such as going into his room, which would have been a definite strike), Sheldon had let her. The one time he _did_ give her, her strikes, Penny had refused to buckle under, which was both admirable and stupid. The fact was she'd go toe-to-toe with Sheldon, someone with at least seventy IQ points on her, and held her own. Even, maybe especially, while they were angry at each other, their equality came out. Something Leonard knew he lacked. He was less than Penny, always felt it. Not just because of his lack of social skills or receding hairline or geeky love (though that was one of the reasons), but she was just _better_.

Whenever Sheldon started on his tirades, Penny was usually willing to listen, and she was almost interested in some cases. And Sheldon was always willing to help her, even though where Penny replaced with either Leonard or the others, those statements would not be factual. Penny and Sheldon had done things together, bonded over them on levels Leonard had never touched on. More so, he had never even tried.

And that was almost worst of all.

Leonard didn't think there were any feelings between Sheldon and Penny beyond friendship, maybe motherly affection from Penny, but they had a bond. And Leonard was jealous of that bond, because his roommate knew his girlfriend better than he did. And Leonard hadn't once considered getting to know Penny.

'Leonard?' a sweet voice came, breaking the physicist out of his thoughts. They were in front of his apartment door without him having any recollection of leaving the restaurant. Penny's concerned face swam in his vision and he blinked to get her into focus. 'Honey, you've been out of it all night. Are you feeling okay?'

He nodded. 'I'm fine, yeah. I think I just might have had some dairy. Going to have some fluid bowel movements,' he said with a shrug. 'I'm, I think I'm going to turn in for the night but hey, you wanna have dinner, just the two of us once your dad leaves?'

They had been on so few dates she practically beamed her answer.


	10. Chapter 10

_**The Paternal Catalyst**_**  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.**

_  
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect._

(This fic was beta'd by the charming **talkingmetaphor** without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

10

Sheldon

_Dr. Beverly Hofstadter PHD, _

_It has come to my attention that something is indeed wrong with your son . . . beyond what we've already established. As I am not adept at deciphering facial cues, Wolowitz pointed it out. I will say I have noticed a difference in him--which shows I am learning--for he did mix up cereal day and omelet day. Who does that? That was a rhetorical question as the answer is already present: Leonard. According to Wolowitz and inputted by Koothrappali, Leonard is 'down in the dumps'. I take this to mean he's depressed. No doubt bemoaning something related to Penny. Perhaps their relationship has finally failed. That was my theory anyway but Howard disagrees, citing supporting evidence I didn't care to commit to memory. Though I'm sure it's there anyway. The point is, he seems to be in distress. Normally I wouldn't care but it has begun to affect my life, too. Why, on Tuesday, he not only adjusted the __thermostat but proceeded to occupy the bathroom at 8:20 which, as you know, is the time I have my morning bowel movement. I ask for your enlightenment and any advice on how to handle the issue. _

_Dr. Sheldon Cooper PHD_


	11. Chapter 11

_**The Paternal Catalyst**_**  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.**

_  
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect._

(This fic was beta'd by the charming **talkingmetaphor** without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

11

Penny

'We have to talk.'

Everyone knows what those four words mean.

But they were coming from _Leonard_. We were getting along just fine, just as usual so what was there to break us up?

Leonard and I were sitting on my couch and he had such a somber expression I half expected him to tell me Sheldon died. I said nothing and decided to let him continue. Okay that's a lie; I just couldn't talk. I was frozen.

'Do you remember our date last week, just after you dad left? And we talked, _a lot_.' I nodded, urging him on, though I felt like I looked a bit like a bobble-head. 'Well mostly _I _asked questions. Because, the thing is, I realized I don't really know much about you aside from what you've freely offered. That and Sheldon's calendar of your menstrual cycle. So I decided to have a date where I did get to know you but the thing is . . .'

'You didn't like what you found?'

'No,' he answered then, realizing how he sounded, his hand was on mine. 'I mean, yes, I _did_ like what I found. I do, I mean. I do. But . . .' he sighed and scrubbed his fingers furiously through his hair a second before looking back up at me. 'I care deeply about you. But the thing is, from the day I first met you I didn't try to get to know _you_. It just never occurred to me. You were--are--just so beautiful and friendly and you didn't seem to mind me. I fell in love for that shallow reason. And we started dating and it has been _phenomenal_, let me assure you. It's just . . . I don't feel like I'm your boyfriend or you're my girlfriend. I feel like we're friends with benefits, but without the open campus. I love you Penny and I thought it was romantic but it's not. I love you like a sister, or like one of the guys. I realized my feelings for you are no different than how I've felt about any girl. And they should be. I love you for your kindness, generosity, sense of humor, stubbornness and willingness to put up with us. But there aren't those little things about you I'm supposed to treasure.' As if the monologue had physically exhausted him, Leonard sighed and seemed to slump.

I just stared at him, slowly digesting his words. 'So you're saying you only dated me to have sex with me?' I asked. Here I'd thought I was dating someone outside my norm, a sweet guy who would treat me right. Apparently Leonard was just like the rest of them, but better at hiding it. I remembered all the times he'd tried to have sex even though the time wasn't appropriate, and when we did it regularly it was most of what we did. 'You're a pig. Get out.'

He was on his feet at once, hands in the universal surrender. 'No, _nonono_, Penny. That's not what I mean. I'm saying that because you're _beautiful. _And you were willing . . .'

'I was _willing?_' I shrieked in disbelief. 'Are you telling me you only dated me because you were desperate and bonus: I was attractive?' When he didn't respond, the truth hit and aimed right at my heart. Our entire time together, I thought he was so sweet, so caring, so honest. Okay maybe not _honest_ but the other two! What a fool I was, falling for that, _again! _I stood up and opened my door. 'Get out.'

'Pe_nny_,' he half begged. 'I know you're mad at me now but I hope we can resume our friendship--' At my glare he hung his head and muttered, 'Okay,' and left.

I hated him. When I first moved in I thought my neighbors were nice guys: how I'd lucked out moving into my first apartment. They were helpful and sweet and incredibly intelligent. Leonard had a crush on me, this I was aware of but I wanted to remain friends so I subtly tried to drive him away. I didn't have the heart to outright tell him _no_. And, yes this makes me a bad person, I'd found his attention flattering. Hell at times, I even found Howard's so it's not saying much. I thought it was sweet that this guy had set his sights on me and I thought he actually liked _me_.

But no, I'm stupid now as I was all the other times I dated jerks. That's all I dated: jerks. No matter how nice the guy might have seemed in the end he was an utter prick, either breaking my heart by sleeping around, treating me like shit, or thinking of me as a trophy girlfriend. Not _one_ guy has been different. I thought Leonard was . . . but apparently I truly am as dumb as Sheldon says.

I didn't leave my apartment for the entire weekend. I'd thought about drinking myself into numb bliss but my father's confession made me stop. While it wasn't entirely healthy I reasoned it was better than beer and started playing _Age of Conan_ again. After I'd started crying for no reason into the headset, I jettisoned talking verbally to anyone. I played constantly, not letting myself address the problem. I knew it wasn't a good idea, bottling it up like that, I just wasn't ready. And what's more, I was afraid of how angry I was, and how much damage I could cause. I'd blown up at Howard and while I'd said some true things, I'd been harsh about them. That was just because I'd gotten crappy tips. Now? I was afraid I _would_ hog-tie Leonard and castrate him. From time to time someone would knock on my door but I merely would turn up the volume and ignore them.

I dreaded having to go to work but knew if I didn't, I'd lose both the apartment and the game. But I got into my uniform and left, though not before noticing a pile of mail just inside my door, as if someone had slid it under there. I wondered if the landlord had gotten another complaint about me not taking my mail out (last time had been, coincidentally, when I first started playing _Conan_) and slid it under there.

Work was painful, beyond the usual. I could barely keep my temper to customers and was getting small tips for it. I made sure to trade all of my Thursdays with my Mondays. I wasn't sure if Leonard would allow Sheldon to insist they keep up their schedule on that day or if Leonard himself would try to talk to me some more.

As the week went on, I began to lose sleep rapidly. I'd work my shift, come home and hop online, go to bed for about four hours, then wake up early to play again before work. What sucked double was there were some places I wanted to broach and my instinct would be to ask Sheldon. But he felt distinctly off-limits; he was Leonard's friend. That and I didn't want to go into their place ever again; I didn't want to see Leonard ever again if I could. I was even considering a change of homestead.

But on a Sunday, I realized Sheldon didn't _have_ to be off-limits. While he would have no tact, he might've seen himself as not even in the equation. Well, maybe because he did try his damnedest to 'help' Leonard and Stephanie's relationship because he saw it as affecting him. But I was stuck and figured Sheldon might be okay. And if not, he never cared one way about me so I could just leave and he'd never talk to me again.

Just before he started his Laundry Day, I slipped downstairs to wait in the laundry room. The washers and dryers were empty as everyone in the building had quickly learned Sheldon's routine after he'd ream them should they have dared to invade his schedule. I took a seat on a dryer and waited, going through wondering if this was a mistake and urging myself to stay. I'd brought my laptop and had it open to the game, but I only had my avatar looking at the different goods for sale.

'Hello, Penny,' a voice said with a slight southern lilt. I looked up to see Sheldon walk toward me, his basket of folded dirty laundry in his hands. 'You're sitting on my washer.'

I hopped down. 'Oh good, Sheldon you're here.'

'Where else would I be? It's Saturday.' He looked at me with incredulity. 'Saturday's laundry day.'

I set my computer where I had been sitting and gestured to it. 'I need your help with _Age of Conan_.'

His response was immediate. '_This_ again, Penny? You really should know how to do these things on your own by now.'

'I do, _I do_,' I insisted. 'I just need advice Sheldon. Can you give me that?' I was snappish, I could hear it in my voice but I was pretty sure Sheldon would not.

He sighed and set his basket aside, then came to stand next to me in front of the computer. 'Alrighty.' I told him where I wanted to go and why. He suggested I get a regular clan and run other, easier areas to get familiar with their ways. The area I wanted to get into, he said, required our party to be in tandem with one another and operate with precise tactility. After he'd helped me pick out the right gear, he stood up straight and turned the full force of those baby blues onto me. 'Now that you're playing this again, are you going to be barging into my room? I'd like to be prepared.'

'No,' I told him with feeling. 'I'm never going to your apartment again.'

Sheldon huffed. 'Well that's a bit extreme. I'm not banning you from the apartment, just my bedroom. And it's not a new ban even though you've failed to follow it thus far. Besides, tomorrow's Halo night and we need a fourth.'

His face was impassive and I wondered if Leonard hadn't told him. 'Leonard and I broke up.'

'Leonard?' he repeated, as if it were an entirely different language. '_Focus, _Penny! We are talking about _Halo_ and _Age of Conan_. It's a wonder you maintain a job with your attention span.'

I groaned. Well at least he wasn't telling me he can't talk to me or something. I've had guy friends and I've dated guys who later turned into friends. But never before had _their _friends been mine. I wasn't sure what happened. But I knew with girls, the ex-boyfriend of one girl was the enemy of her friends. 'No, Sweetie, listen. I won't be going into your apartment, let alone your _bedroom_ because of Leonard.'

'I don't follow.'

_Oh dear god!_ For such a genius, Sheldon could be insufferably _slow_. I chose my words and spoke slow and deliberately. 'Leonard was only dating me for sex so I really don't want to see his face right now. That's why I hid down here to talk to you.'

He blinked. 'Noted and simply fixed. We can have Halo night in your apartment. The set-up will be different and it will take some work but--'

'_The point isn't the apartment, Sheldon; it's LEONARD. I don't want to see Leonard!_'

Sheldon looked as if he wanted to throttle me as badly as I wanted to choke him. 'Haven't you been listening? Leonard isn't _here_ tonight. That's why we need a fourth person for Halo Night.'

Oh. 'Won't it be weird with them? Since Leonard and I are no longer dating?'

He started unloading his basket and loading each item into different washers according to color and knowing him, probably day of the week they are worn. 'Statistically speaking, you've only been dating Leonard twelve-point-five percent of the time you've know him. If they weren't quote-unquote _weird_ around you prior to you being intimate with Leonard, there's no logical reason for them to act any different now.'

While Sheldon might have been able to disassociate my being Leonard's girlfriend from just being simply Penny (or in Sheldon's mind: Simple Penny), I wasn't sure the others, the relatively normal ones, would feel the same way. 'Sheldon,' I started, thinking of something. 'Do you think the others knew why . . . _you, _you always said our relationship was doomed to fail. What . . . what do you think . . . why did you foresee it failing?'

'Penny, in the time it took you to ask that question, I was able to start two loads of laundry,' he informed me, gesturing to the now-running washers.

'Was it because I'm not smart like you guys? Not smart enough for him?' I pressed. 'He said the only reason he dated me was because I was _there_. Did you know he was only with me to get laid? Did he say anything? That lecherous bastard tried to get to know me; we spent an entire day talking and apparently I'm not interesting enough. Is that it, Sheldon? I'm dim and boring. Apparently all I have going for me is my looks. I mean, I don't have any talents _anywhere_. My Penny Blossoms are barely selling and I haven't gotten an acting job since a year ago and then, that production _tanked_. No wonder Leonard dumped me. _I_ don't even like me. I should just go back to Nebraska with my parents. Because I'll tell you this for free, Sheldon: I'm certainly not dating _ever again_. I'm giving up. So I might as well live with Mom and Dad for the rest of my life.' In the end, my voice was wavering all over the place. I couldn't stop the verbal spew once I'd started though. Much like actual spew, now that I think of it. 'I never wanted to work a minimum-wage job, barely able to afford my amenities and having to leach a few off of _you_. I've got crappy customers who either slap my ass or tell me how pathetic I am for being a measly waitress. I _know_ how pathetic I am, okay? I don't need that old lady to remind me, because I've got enough people to tell me. Maybe not my dad anymore but Leonard tells me I'm just a piece of ass, you're constantly saying how dumb I am, my mother wants me to have nothing but babies so I'm clearly failing in that department. My perfect sister Lindsay just got married _and_ a book published. _All in the same year! _Do you know what accomplishments I've made this past year? _Nothing, _Sheldon. I've done nothing but work crap hours, sleep, and occasionally party. I _thought_ I'd finally found a decent guy but nope! I failed there too. Who is surprised? Nobody, I tell you. Everyone's been telling me what an utter failure I am and I was too naive to listen. _Naysayers, _I thought. _But I'll show them. _Which only proves how stupid I am because every single thing everyone's said? All true. I've got an audition tomorrow and I'm wondering if it's even worth it to go! God, my life _sucks!' _The last three sentences were told through hiccups and sniffling; my jaw hurt from trying to keep from crying audibly. I had my head in my hands, elbows resting on the dryer. I hadn't meant to say any of that and the mortification was immediate.

For a good long while it was so quiet in the laundry room I thought Sheldon had skedaddled. But when I looked up he hadn't moved, though was now wearing an expression of slight horror. 'There, there,' he ventured, reaching toward me as if to pat my shoulder but thinking better of it, dropped his arm to his side.

I closed my laptop and hooked it against my elbow. 'You suck at comforting people,' I practically snapped. The least he could have done was say I wasn't a _complete _failure. But no, to Sheldon nothing I did was good enough.


	12. Chapter 12

_**The Paternal Catalyst**_**  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.**

_  
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect._

(This fic was beta'd by the charming **talkingmetaphor** without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

12

Leonard

Leonard stared hard at the door, wondering what his move should be.

He'd tried talking to Penny all week, but she wouldn't answer either her phone or her door. After he'd left her apartment he'd restated all he'd said to her in his mind. He really sucked with words. He'd practically told her she was nothing more than willing sex to him. He wanted to apologize but was halfway between fearing he'd make things worse and the fact that he was ashamed of himself.

He really did like Penny. She was a sweet person with an interesting view of the world unlike that of him and his circle. She was clever and witty but upon talking to her, he realized they just weren't meant to be dating. Friends, yes, best friends, even. But they fought constantly and while he knew fighting was a normal component of relationships, this was different. For one, he couldn't handle her hanging out with other men. Not because he thought she would cheat on him, but because he thought she'd realize he was a loser and leave him. He didn't know if he'd ever get over the suspicion that it was too good to last. And they didn't act like boyfriend-girlfriend, but more like friends who occasionally had sex. They didn't work through their problems together or tell each other their secrets.

As he'd talked to her on their last date, he'd come to realize this. Once more, he realized they truly had nothing to say to one another. Sure, they'd make jokes about the others and each would complain about their day, but they had no interesting stories to share, no inclination to share them. No common interests.

He came home and tried to talk to Sheldon about it. Sheldon, after his _It's doomed to fail anyway_ and similar remarks, and his long drawn-out monologue about how love doesn't exist, blah, blah, blah, did manage to help. Sheldon had given him an exasperated look and asked, 'Leonard, if you must insist the chemicals swimming in your brain resulting from coitus with Penny are different than the ones caused by Leslie or Dr. Stephanie, you have to back it up with evidence.'

Leonard hadn't been able to, not in the sense that love is intangible or anything similar. No, when Leonard compared the three, he realized he hadn't felt any different with Penny. With complete certainty, he also noted he hadn't even really begun to have those feelings with Leslie until they'd had sex. And while Leslie was his colleague, they hadn't talked prior to that.

He'd felt both guilty for leading Penny on and sick, because he really wanted to be in love with her. She was perfect and beautiful and seemed to like him. But he wasn't and he didn't feel right continuing their relationship in such dishonesty. Had she volunteered to simply be friends with benefits, he wouldn't have argued. While he hadn't expected it, he'd surely been hoping. But he was mostly hoping to just be the friend part.

He'd rehearsed what he was going to say beforehand. In his head of course. To him, they sounded fine but as soon as he spoke them out loud he'd realized how insulting they were. Next time he'd rehearse with Howard or something. It explained Penny's reaction to an extent but something in him expected her to just go, 'Meh, I can find other guys.' She actually seemed sad about it.

Had he made a mistake? No, he was a hundred percent confident in his realization. He sighed, what little courage he'd possessed having left him.

'What are you doing?' demanded an impatient voice behind him. Leonard looked back to see Sheldon standing in the door way. 'Never mind,' he decided, closing the door behind him. 'I don't actually care. Let's go to work.'

As mean as it seemed, Sheldon was actually acting a bit nicer than he had in past events. Ever since the arctic expedition, Sheldon's comments had had more barbs on them than usual, and at times Leonard felt the other man held some contempt toward him. At first Leonard suspected he just hadn't forgiven Leonard, Howard, or Raj for making him think he'd proven the string isotope theory. But then Sheldon treated Howard and Raj the same as he always had. The only other person, in fact, he'd seemed to hold a grudge against was Penny. Since it wasn't the arctic thing and obviously wasn't just generalized distress, Leonard had to suspect he and Penny had done something wrong.

With an IQ not much lower than Sheldon's (though if you asked the theoretical physicist, the difference was astronomical) Leonard wasn't a dumb man. Since this behavior had started around the same time he and Penny had started dating, Leonard was certain that was the causation. Sheldon had seemed annoyed with Leonard for even pursuing her, and stated ad nauseam their relationship wouldn't work out. With the evidence presented, Leonard couldn't see any reason for Sheldon to be _angry_. If he felt their relationship was affecting him personally or he had any other gripes, he wasn't the type to keep quiet about it. That Leonard hadn't heard anything worried him. He was further disconcerted because after he'd told Sheldon he'd broken it off, Sheldon seemed to warm to him immensely, even going so far as to let him pick which retro game to play.

He wasn't sure how to broach the subject and he was half-afraid of what he might hear. Though he couldn't imagine what. The not-knowing was bothering him more than it should and it was part of the reason he'd opted to stay late at the office tonight. Even with Ernie Winkler, the lead nanotechnologist whining in his ear was preferable to that.


	13. Chapter 13

_**The Paternal Catalyst**_**  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.**

_  
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect._

(This fic was beta'd by the charming **talkingmetaphor** without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

13

Penny

I went to the stupid audition anyway.

The waiting room had no less than ten fake palm trees in it, as if to remind anyone within what state they were in. There were these leather chairs like what the airport has and many women had to stand with lack of room. I walked up to the receptionist, a bored looking woman with a perfect black bob and no-nonsense glasses had taken my name down with as much enthusiasm as one would muck the stalls.

I went to stand by a group of calmly chattering girls. I had gone to enough auditions to see the types, the cliques within the auditioning room. I was placed easily into the bright-eyed-and-hopeful category while these girls were the confident type; acting like they'd already gotten the part and the audition was merely arbitrary. There was a leggy brunette in shiny bark-colored hair. She turned her bright blue eyes on me at my arrival. 'What part are you going for?' she asked with a slight sniff.

'Gilda,' I told her, hating how defensive I sounded.

Now she turned her whole body to face me. 'Really?' she asked.

I was honest. 'I just felt like taking on the antagonist.' _Because she gets to murder people, including her ex-boyfriend_. I'd usually comb through the character list and pick one I felt I could play. I'd always audition for the sweet one, the friend, the kindly one. Sometimes I'd go for the seductress as well. Gilda wasn't a part I thought I could play. She was gritty, broken, flawed, and at times, despicable. But her anger was understandable, even if I was just feeling the way I had from the freshness of the wound. I wanted an excuse to yell at someone, to get angry but without actually admitting all those things I'd admitted to Sheldon. I wanted to lash out at someone, not cry.

The corner of her mouth lifted, pinching the skin in the hollows of her cheeks. She had the strongest, almost manliest jaw I'd ever seen but her gorgeous eyes and envious lips made the package ravishing. 'Well since everyone here's for the part of Madeline so you'll probably get Gilda, if just by default.'

I tried not to bristle at that comment. I was sick of other aspiring actresses talking down to me. But I knew it wouldn't ingratiate me to those holding the auditions if I started a cat fight.

Not noticing, she sighed and surveyed the swollen room. 'Maybe I shouldn't audition for Madeline. I'm certainly not getting any roles going for the main character. Set my sights a little lower, you know?'

'You haven't gotten any jobs?' I asked.

She chuckled and batted at the air. 'I've been here three years and haven't gotten anything but a spot on a tampon commercial for Leaklow. I've been to so many auditions, I've stopped being nervous or excited and have just seen it as old hat.'

That might explain the bored indifference she shared with the other girls but still. She didn't look 'too midwest' and looked as if she could pull off a good girl or a bad. Not to mention she had envy-worthy looks that made me feel like a total dump next to her. 'Didn't that get recalled because they found dead beetle larvae crushed in the cotton?' I asked.

'Ex_actly_,' she said meaningfully.

I laughed at that then felt a bit bad. 'Well I only got the parts of Mimi in _Rent_ and Anne Frank in _The Diary of Anne Frank; _both stage productions and both to audiences that, combined, wouldn't fill a minivan. I moved here from Nebraska _four_ years ago.'

'Nebraska?' she echoed, one eyebrow quirking up, 'Which city?'

'Omaha,' I answered, hesitantly. Sure she was being nice so far, but I'd gotten enough accusations of being a hick to be on my guard.

But she only beamed. 'Me too! Well, Bellevue. But same difference, right?'

It was rare I ever met anyone from Nebraska, or at least anyone who admitted to calling the state home. 'My family owned a farm just outside of the city. I'm Penny, by the way.'

'Tabitha.' We shook hands, just as the receptionist called, 'Tabitha Gray?'

Tabitha turned around and gave me a nervous smile. 'Well, here goes!'

'Good luck,' I called as she retreated through the heavy oak door, never to be seen again. Many auditions were held in a sort of one-way type set-up. Girls entered and waited in the waiting room, but exited out a back way. I think this is so they don't compare notes or something.

About ten girls were called before it was my turn. I'd just taken a recently-vacated seat when the receptionist said my name.

The auditioning room was designed, it seemed, to make the actor nervous. The walls were solidly paneled and the room was empty save for one long table with three people sitting at it. From left to right was a guy with slicked-back hair and thick-lensed glasses. He reminded me of the be-speckled man who chose to break my heart. I looked away from him to the sandy-gray haired lady with a round face and over-large nose. She had on a tan cashmere sweater and a look of utter indifference. The man on her other side was similar in age, but with balding dark hair and a precise thin mustache.

All three just stared at me expectantly. They knew what part I was reading for and I could see my portfolio open in front of them. So I merely said, 'Scene.'

I'd carefully chosen the monologue section of the pilot episode of the tentatively named _Hell School_ which aspired to be a prime time network show. In the scene, my character had walked in on her boyfriend banging another girl. What I was playing was my visit to the therapist a short while later.

'With _Lisa,_' I stressed. 'My best friend said she has been sleeping with Kirk pretty much the entire time we were together. She _knew_ I was dating him and she did it anyway. What kind of person does that, Doc? I'm her friend and I thought she was there for me. She was the one who insisted I ask him out; she was the one who, during a fight when I _suspected_ him of cheating, to tell me to give him a chance! She must just get off on screwing guys who are taken.' I closed my eyes as if in recollection but I couldn't imagine the fake Kirk or the fake Lisa. Only Leonard. And then, because he had the misfortune to have glasses on, I superimposed my ex-boyfriend's face over my interviewer's. 'And he, that prick was always so loving and seemed so sincere. He'd tell me how beautiful I was, always called me _baby_, made me feel special, you know? I don't expect to find _the one_ so early in my life but I thought he was something different, someone _good_.

'Do you know what he said to me?' I asked and my voice wobbled as I began talking about someone not entirely fictional. I couldn't stop it but pressed on. The sooner I got done with the audition, the better. 'He told me he's in love with _both _of us, equally, and he couldn't just have one. When I told him it was bullshit he just said my "low self-esteem" was the only reason I lashed out. How dare he, pretend he knows me only after a few months, I said. But apparently Lisa's been blabbing about me to him because he started pointing out failures I had never told him. She'd been badmouthing me, the stupid bitch.

'Then he asked me if, after this all "blew over" we could be friends. The asshole had the nerve to suggest we might tack on some benefits to that. Benefits! As if the problem was because I'd made our relationship too, too, narrow or something. As if it was _my_ fault. I'm not won't lie to you, doc. I wanna kill him. I want to kill them both. I know, _I know_ we've talked about these urges and how I must fight them. But I don't know if I can! Not when I see both of them every day, making out in the hallway, something, I should add, he'd always claimed to be _disgusting_. I want to strap him down and skin him, top to bottom. Then put toothpicks in his eyeballs. I--'The balding guy stuck his hand up, cutting me off. 'Thank you, Penny. You may go now.'

And just like that, my audition was done. I was breathing heavily, my eyes stinging when the nerd guy showed me out the back way. The light seemed to burn into my brain and I gulped for fresh air.

'Damn,' said a husky voice. I looked up to see Tabitha leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette. She put out the light against the brick wall and eased herself off it. 'You either had a really bad audition or a really good one.'

'Oh,' I said, using the hell of my hands to squeeze the last of the tears from my eyes. I tried to laugh casually but it came out sounding sick. 'These," I gestured to the leftover evidence of my distress, "were just from the part where Gilda visits the shrink.'

She nodded knowingly. 'Hey, if you're not doing anything, you want to go get some coffee? I think you might be the only actor I've run into who hasn't acted like a prima-donna without actually have gotten any parts.'

'Uh, sure,' I said.

There was a bistro close by so we left our cars and walked there. The sun was warm but the wind cool, which made it perfect. We swapped stories of Omaha, Bellevue and compared our different experiences on coming to California. Unlike me she'd actually traveled a bit before she'd moved here, so she hadn't been _as_ bright-eyed as I had. But she'd been forced to take a crappy apartment since she made even less than I did, bartending. She told me about her boyfriend Ben and I flitted over my recent breakup. She didn't ask for details, so that was a relief. And she didn't seem like the gossiping type. I did notice one thing that might have grated on me and that was her supposed superiority on movies. I could give my opinion on anything but if it was movies and that opinion didn't agree with hers, it was wrong. She was also dry-humored and tending to make fun of people for her amusement. But, I noticed, she also made fun of herself so it seemed reasonable.

After we'd gotten done and she had to get to her job, we swapped phone numbers and made plans to hang out in the upcoming weekend, maybe go to a club. I walked away not knowing why I liked her but knowing immediately that she was good friend material.

I got home and took a long hot shower, the first in; I was embarrassed to admit, three days. The soap felt stupidly good and when I got out, I felt strangely energized. I burned through _Age of Conan_ grinding at a stupid pace before I went in search for a clan to join. While I waited, I just walked around, talking to a few people. Some turned me down sort of rudely, others, I suspected, were leeches and a few were polite but said, no. I had just decided to get off and check for a response later when there was a familiar knock on the door.

_Knock, knock, knock. _'Penny.' _Knock, knock kno--_I opened the door before he could finish. 'Sheldon, I told you. I don't want to play Halo tonight… what's this?'

Sheldon wasn't alone. Howard and Raj both had at least five grocery bags hanging from each arm, cradling various boxes and paper bags against their chest. They were each struggling under the parcels, while the Howard kept shooting aggravated looks Sheldon's way. Sheldon was only holding a white cardboard microwave-sized box by the handle. 'Can we come in?' he asked as if I was being very rude by just gaping.

'_Please,' _rasped Howard from behind a rather colorful box.

I stepped aside. 'Um, sure, what's going on?'

'Penny, are you aware you are at risk for heart conditions later in life?' asked Sheldon, stepping in after the other two had squeezed through the doorway, and haphazardly dumped the bags onto the floor. Raj was rubbing his arm and had joined Howard in glaring at the taller man. When I didn't answer Sheldon, he went on. 'Your father mentioned having a heart attack a few years ago, and your grandmother died from the very same problem. But you don't have to, Penny. There are many preventatives in the form of a daily low dose of aspirin, exercise, and a healthy diet. Did you know that pets have also been proven as effective? Pets are so commonly accepted because those who lack the warmth of human companionship or otherwise prefer the more feral to the vocal have found companionship in the creatures. Studies have shown that pets can stave off depression as well, and lower stress. Felines in particular have a veritable leg up in this field. The rapidly dilating and contraction of the glottis has a calming, focusing effect. Just like the _ohm_ chant.'

'What?' I asked. Even for Sheldon, that was random.

He held up the cardboard box and summarized, 'I got you a cat.'

Only then did I notice the line of inch-wide holes lining the top and the words _Pet Car_ printed on the side amongst paw prints. 'What?' I asked again, and took the box from him. I set it on the table and unhooked the top handles. Sure enough it was mostly empty except for a tiny white-and-orange ball of fluff. I reached in slowly so as not to spook it and pulled it out. It stared back at me with large, frightened blue eyes and let out a soft mew. 'You got me a _cat?' _

'And everything it could ever need for the rest of its life,' added Howard dryly, who had plopped into my chair and was leaning against the side in exhaustion. The colorful box he'd been carrying had a picture of a litter box and a smiling cartoon kitty on it, and a few cat toys, treats, and other pet-related things had fallen out of the sacks.

I looked at Sheldon who was surveying my apartment with disgust. 'Did Leonard set this up?' I felt anger flare in me once again. So like him to presume I'd turn into a lonely cat lady after he'd broken up with me.

It was Howard who replied. 'No, Psycho here came up with it all on his own. There we were, ordering our food when he had his damn epiphany. Now I'm hungry _and_ tired.'

'The cat is hypoallergenic,' Sheldon added, helpfully.

I stared down at the kitten I cradled against my chest, hardly believing it. He'd gotten me a gift because, if I understood his monologue right, I was sad. Since his there-there's and Sheldon's-here's are both ineffective and creepy, he opted for a . . . what are they called, proxy? Sheldon who I'd yelled at, when in reality, he hadn't done anything wrong at that moment. He'd gotten me a cat.

The cat was getting rained on because tears instantly started flowing. 'Sheldon, I can't believe you bought me a _cat!' _

'Your father mentioned you had left one in Omaha. Oh, now you're crying.' he said to me. He then looked to his friends. 'My logic seemed so sound. What factor did I miss?'

I set the kitten down and it immediately ran under the sofa. I threw myself into Sheldon, wrapping my arms around his neck. 'Sheldon, that's so sweet of you!' I cried. I felt his hands awkwardly pat my back and I released him from his discomfort. 'Why did you do it?'

'I _told_ you,' he said. 'Pets have been known to--'

Apparently my drug-addled ramblings were right in him being just 'full of love'. Yeah he'd helped me that night but I couldn't remember if it was because I'd twisted his arm or he actually cared. Yet he'd actually thought about something to cheer me up, put thought and heart into the gift then spent made sure to get the accessories, as well.

He now held out a vanilla-colored card. 'That veterinary clinic is highly recommended but also within your price range. I'd suggest making an appointment as soon as possible--_Penny._' He let out an annoyed gasp as I squeezed him again. I didn't care, though. I was so touched by his gesture I didn't know what to do with myself. Again, he 'hugged' me back but didn't push me away. Maybe he could relate on his glee over getting Leonard Nimoy's signature. Wow, Sheldon _relate? _

Raj and Howard went across the hall to grab the scratching post (many complaints from Howard's end. I could kind of understand since Sheldon didn't offer to do anything but help me coax out the kitten from under the couch).

I just babbled at poor Sheldon. It truly was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me. I wasn't lying; I truly could not think of someone's actions that topped a random purchase of a kitten. And of course I missed Chuck terribly. The little white thing wasn't going to replace him, but it was nice to have something warm and furry to curl up next to.

'Sheldon, sweetie,' I asked as Raj and Howard were assembling the contraption they insisted was a litter box in my bathroom. Sheldon and I were sitting side by side on my couch. I was holding the kitten who sort of relaxed in my arms in a sort of, _I give up_ fashion. I rubbed her ears. 'Why did you do this?' As he was opening his mouth, I held up a finger. 'Okay, what made you decide to? Gift giving isn't something you like to do. In fact, I'm pretty sure you hate it.'

'Today's Halo Night,' he told me.

I laughed, which made the poor kitten shrink into my elbow. 'You bribed me with a _kitten_ so I'd play Halo with you? What are you going to do next wednesday? Buy me a pony?'

'Horses aren't allowed in the city,' he told me sternly. 'And no, he's not a bribe. I was just afraid that you'd get like you were a few years ago with _Age of Conan_. I've got a dissertation to work on, Penny.'

Well that made sense. Though it saddened me a little, that it was something so . . . selfish. I decided to change the subject. 'What's his name?'

'The shelter gave him the name Andrew but it was suggested the owner, i.e. you, give him a personal name to start the bonding process.'

Kitten and I appraised each other. There was only one name that came up and it fit perfectly. 'I think I'll call him Schrödinger. You know, after the cat-in-the-box guy, Schrödinger?'

Sheldon actually smiled at me. 'Why, Penny! I must say: brilliant.' It was only a little insulting how surprised he sounded. Nevertheless:

Sheldon Cooper called me brilliant.

I was smiling all through Halo, which they brought over so I didn't have to leave Erwin. Sheldon wanted me on his team, mostly so I didn't kick his ass, but Howard insisted that since I'm taking the place of Leonard and Leonard was always with Howard, I should be with him. Sheldon could not argue with logic he understood. For his part, Sheldon didn't pitch too big a fit when we won. I wondered if he noticed that I'd purposefully seek him out in the game so I could kill him. I didn't feel bad for it because he did the same thing. I was just better. I got worried when Sheldon took out an inhaler. One, I didn't even _know_ he had asthma and two, I was afraid I was making it worse. He assured me it was a genetic condition that he'd had since birth and it never acted up when he was flustered. That's the Penny's Notes version. His actual explanation took us through three matches and had so many big words I was surprised I'd understood it.

I'd been so down in the dumps that feeling actually comfortable, maybe something close to happy, felt alien to me. But I didn't even _think_ about Leonard or worry about my audition. Howard and Raj didn't act any differently towards me than they ever had. Maybe girls and guys were different in this aspect?


	14. Chapter 14

_**The Paternal Catalyst**_**  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.**

_  
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect._

(This fic was beta'd by the charming **talkingmetaphor** without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

14

Sheldon

_Dr. Beverly Hofstadter PHD _

_Indeed, the results of my foray into the world of deceit are pleasing. I have revealed most of my secret to Penny but successfully managed to keep a vital detail from view. The only obstacle I have encountered was with Leonard. He'd placed me in a situation which forced me to lie completely against the truth. My execution was flawless but I still experienced some facial tics. Had my face not been away from your son's, this would have been my, to use Poker vernacular, tell. I have done research and discovered this is a psychosomatic problem yet I am experiencing difficulty getting past it. Any theories you might have are welcome. _

_Dr. Sheldon Cooper PHD _


	15. Chapter 15

The Paternal Catalyst  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.

Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

15

Penny

'So, I got the part.' Tabitha said to me. We had met up at Charles, a club within walking distance of my apartment so we didn't have to worry about getting home. The club was dark and dimly lit, most of the light coming from the bar area. As a bartender, you had to be able to see what you were drinking. The drunks wouldn't notice if you were giving them whiskey instead of vodka, but the sober people would. Round tables were laid out at random and sometimes between them two people would dance sloppily. Tabitha and I sat on a barstool sipping our appletinis. I didn't plan on getting drunk but Tabitha did.

I said, 'So why do you sound so sad about it?'

She was slumped over the glass, idly swishing her drink around. She was already on the way to Slosh City, so her words were running together. 'I only tried out for a tiny bit part: Snob #4.'

'Hey,' I said soothingly. 'At least you _got_ a part.'

'Still no call-back?'

I shrugged. 'No. At this point, I'm thinking about giving up. Maybe just stay at the Cheesecake Factory.' I felt like I was a total downer so I smoothly changed the subject. 'Speaking of cheesecake, doesn't that guy look delicious?' I gestured toward a random corner of the bar. I was banking on her being true drunk .

She glanced over but looked completely uninterested. 'Not my type.'

I wasn't sure which one she was talking about and asked her.

She said. 'All of them. They all lack something I'm looking for in a mate.'

'What's that?' I asked.

'Ovaries.'

Oh. Apparently she wasn't drunk enough to not care.

At my expression she laughed. 'Don't worry; I wouldn't hit on you even if you _were_ gay. One, you're too . . . friendly; companionable, not seductive or sexy at all. And two, I've got a love already. She just . . . doesn't feel the same way back.'

I tried not to flinch at the not-sexy bit. 'Who is she?' I asked over the music.

It was her best friend's ex. 'They broke up because Natalie--that's my friend--decided the lesbian thing wasn't working out so well and decided to go to guys. She does this every year or so.' Michelle, the girlfriend and love-of-Tabitha's-life didn't actually _know_ how Tabitha felt about her, but had made it clear she wasn't going to date _anymore_. It sounded to me like . . . okay well, me. And I knew that eventually Michelle would come around, decided to date again. But would I?

We got back to my complex and I had to half-carry Tabitha up the stairs, she was so drunk. It wasn't to the point of puking. She'd promised early on that she was an expert at getting as drunk as possible without throwing up. I had to say, I was impressed. She babbled endlessly about this and that. The crap thing with drunks is if you're sober, they aren't so entertaining. The crappier thing was they insisted you participate in the conversation, and you'd never hear the end of it if you were caught not paying attention. I was just reaching the top of the landing when the door to 4A opened. I froze and almost toppled backwards with the dead weight on my left.

But Sheldon slid smoothly out the door and looked down at the awkward creature we'd become. 'She's inebriated,' he informed me, watching as Tabitha appraised the railing with fascination. He then seemed to notice me and said, 'You seem to be sober.'

'It's no wonder they call you a genius.'

Suddenly, Tabitha noticed there was someone else in existence besides the two of us and she appraised Sheldon sloppily. 'Now, for _you_ I might give the straight thing a try,' she said, grasping his hand and using it to pull herself to him.

Sheldon looked down at the woman with a curl to his lip, like he'd witnessed something like someone's head being chopped off. At the same time his shoulders were set back in offense, like how _dare_ someone as lowly as Tabitha touch _his_ royal Highness.

I wormed my way between the two, my back against Sheldon and pulled their hands apart. She stepped back easily.

Of course, Sheldon had to say _something_. 'Good _Lord_ what is it they serve at that club that seems to change the chemical makeup within the hormones of women, causing their biological preferences to change and somehow set their sights on me?'

I turned to look up at him. So close, I had to tilt my head back pretty far. 'What?' I asked.

'Can't blame the alcohol for women throwing themselves at you,' Tabitha argued from behind me. Apparently even a drunk could understand Sheldon's ramblings better than I. 'You're a cutie.'

And it took me too long to understand how this related to me. I glowered up at Sheldon and he took a step back. 'It wasn't my fault what Leonard's mom did.'

'Two women you present before me, two of them decide to throw themselves at me. They share the two factors: you and alcoholism. The results don't lie, Penny.'

Tabitha decided to try to help. 'Don't worry,' she soothed Sheldon. 'I was just joking; I won't do a guy ever. Penises are just ugly.' Then I felt her hand in my back and I stumbled into Sheldon. 'But Penny loves 'em.'

Oh dear god, between the two of them, I wasn't going to get any rest. I peeled myself off Sheldon and apologized by way of promising to get her inside. He seemed ready to say something and again, decided against it. With a small goodnight, he made his way inside.

I fixed up the couch for Tabitha and made sure she was on her side, just in case. I was tired on top of what little alcohol I had in my system and I wanted nothing but to sleep. I kind of just walked out of my clothes and pulled something off my floor at random. I barely remember falling into bed but I sure as hell woke up there.

Tabitha was, unsurprisingly, still asleep when eleven AM hit. It was the first night in a while that I didn't wake up feeling like utter crap the morning after. I mean, I wasn't refreshed or anything but it was nice. To celebrate, I indulged myself in a rather large bowl of sugary cereal. I got bored, trying to keep quiet so I threw on some pants and went downstairs to get the mail.

I looked through the mail as I walked up the stairs and was distracted enough so that when I rounded from floor two to floor three, I didn't notice someone coming my way until I smacked into him. 'Sorry,' the word flew out of my mouth before his identity reached my mind.

Leonard was dressed ready for work: a grew-purple jacket over a lime green hoodie. His eyes widened slightly at the sight of me but a quick smile was on his face, though nervous and uncertain. 'Hey, Penny.'

My semi-good mood darkened immensely. I could feel the memory of his sharp words poking holes in my tear ducts so I sidestepped him and continued on my path. Or that was the plan, at any rate. Instead, Leonard grabbed my arm before I could escape, a pleading puppy-dog look in his eyes. I hated when he did that. It was my weakness.

'Penny, I--'

'Very _bold_, Penny,' appraised a condescending voice and from the top of the stairs stood Sheldon, looking down at me with victory. He glided down the stairs toward us. At some point Leonard had dropped my arm and stepped back, because Sheldon ended up between us, pretty much having my back pinned to the wall. 'It certainly takes courage to display stolen property in the victim's homestead.'

Behind him, I could see Leonard come around, glaring at his roommate. 'Shel_don!_' he scolded. 'Can't you see I'm trying to talk to Penny?'

'I can,' said Sheldon, not even looking at him. 'Give it up, Leonard. Your relationship is finally over. It never should have started in the first place but as it is, it did. You did the right thing in ending it. Now Penny,' he returned his attention to me, his tone subtly different. On a single occurrence it wouldn't have seemed odd to me but only when the two tones were back-to-back did the contrast show. I couldn't name the two, though. He went on, 'I have been very lenient thus far in forgiving you of your theft and have allowed ample time for the return of aforementioned property.'

'What?'

He glanced down at my chest and I looked down as well. It would seem the shirt I'd pulled on was indeed the flash shirt that seemed to start it all. 'There is sufficient time that you can return it to me now and I'll be able to put it in my dirty-clothes basket.' He sighed, misreading something. 'You should not have any problems exposing yourself as both parties present have already witnessed you in undergarments.'

I'll admit it. Part of me was a bit curious as to what Leonard was about to say. A sick part hoped he'd come crawling back to me. But on the other hand I was happy for the distraction, happy to not have to deal with this quite yet. So I focused my attention on Sheldon. 'I can't do it in the stairwell, Sheldon. What if one of the other tenants were to walk down here, someone who hasn't already witnessed me?'

He blinked and shrugged. 'Good point.' He turned to Leonard and said, 'Penny and I will go up to her apartment so she can change. I'll meet you in the car.'

Leonard blinked at us, mouth opening and closing to protest but seemed to come up dry. With a bug-eyed _what the hell just happened? _expression, sort of backed down the stairs.

Sheldon was quiet as we went up to the fourth floor. I started toward my apartment but Sheldon hadn't moved from the threshold. I looked at him and he met my gaze. 'There's no pressing reason to return my shirt immediately, just before the proper date next month.'

I shook my head, confused as always. 'I don't understand. Then what was that back there?' I waved lamely toward the stairs.

As he tends to do when explaining things, Sheldon started walking toward me, hands clasped behind his back. 'It was merely a ploy to separate you two. I was afraid Leonard would do what he is wont to do and that is something idiotic.'

'You think he was going to try to get me back?' I asked, though I knew this was a pipe dream. He'd been very resolute in his decision, seemed quite confident of it. I wanted him to want me back but he didn't. He'd stated his reasons very plainly. On that note, I had a question. 'Sheldon, you've been dead-set against my relationship with Leonard. Why?'

He didn't speak for a few seconds and when he did, it was to explain his silence. 'I'm waiting to see if you're going to start crying again.'

'I won't.' I didn't promise.

'To start, his infatuation with you was both immediate and shallow.' He sighed, remembering the difficulty. 'He had a formula he went by, despite the abysmal success rate. First he would offer himself up as a proverbial doormat in an effort to win her affection. In the meantime he would moon over said woman but allow his stress levels to rise when she eventually found another mate. At this point he would somehow get it into his head that I cared at all about his woes and furthermore had insight. He'd resent her, just slightly, and wonder why it never worked. Yet he would continue this trend until another new pretty came along. You know, Penny, the repetitious behavior or something that doesn't work is a sure sign of mental illness.'

I blinked at him. What? 'So, the big reason you didn't want us together was he did it before?'

He gave me a suffering look. 'Penny, I said that was _to start_. As you made the surprising shift from the object of Leonard's lust to solidifying yourself in my social circle, a new problem arose. His pining after you would cause undue stress on the group, namely me, and should be avoided at all cost. Should the two of you succeed in a date, it would only end badly.'

'Yeah, yeah, yeah,' I stopped him, batting my hand around. 'That makes sense and all but _why_ are you so certain we weren't going to work out?'

A sharp inhale. 'Essentially you two are mating out of necessity, not desire.'

'What?' I asked.

'I admit freely my talents do not lie strongly in the subject, but I've come to know Leonard to a point where I understand his flaws and strengths. While only the reproduction is a necessary part of furthering the human species, it is of common belief that the environment plays a part in the upbringing of the child, there for the future of civilization. As neither argument has been proven or disproven I will not pick sides. The point is I've come to understand a minimal amount of the dating paradigm. The two parties must have opposite features but also some overlapping ones. A Venn diagram if you will. I've developed a rating scale and simple math to determine the compatibility. There is a rating system to each strength and weakness. One lists the skills, likes, dislikes, et cetera of each party and then puts a number to each feature. They are added up separately then weighed against one another. They must be even. Now, there are variables and simple rules. I have noticed that should a couple be similar to one another in too many ways, it develops hostility. The same can happen on the other spectrum, if they are too different from one another. Thus the Venn diagram. My formula is not complete as I've yet to figure in the ratio of the overlapping and single sections.'

I couldn't focus on his words. I wasn't sure if they were just too . . . confusing or I was too tired or if Sheldon's animated gestures were too distracting. But I tried. It took a lot of effort to make my brain quickly remember all that, and decipher it. I understood Venn diagram, which might have surprised him; even if it was mostly because of those funny charts. 'Are you saying you did the calculations for Leonard and I?' I asked slowly, uncertainly.

He grinned. 'Yes, Penny. In fact, just to test out my formula I put you against everyone I know, and everyone I know against everyone else. Now, seeing as how most of your actions lack any semblance of logic, you baffle me. What I _did_ know I was able to apply to my formula. While rudimentary it served its purpose.'

'So wait,' I said, catching up. 'Then it's not accurate. You could be _totally _wrong about Leonard and me because you don't have enough information.' I'll admit I was kind of proud of myself. I'd totally won. Okay so it wasn't actually any sort of argument or debate but… it felt good to be talking on the same level as Sheldon.

He smirked and like a teacher correcting a student (something I knew from past experience) he said, '_No,_ Penny. Even with added information your scores would not be even. However, your desires for complete accuracy are well-founded and I'll concede. I'll write up a questionnaire for you to fill out, tonight.'

He was smiling and using that, that, that southern charm to look all innocent. But that remark was mean! My score was so much lower than Leonard's that no matter how well I did on his IQ test; I'd still be way too far behind? 'So you're saying I'm not good enough for Leonard because I'm not smart enough? Because I'm not a…,' I searched my memory for Leonard's job title, 'an experimental physicist?' I wasn't shocked by Sheldon's basis for partner qualifications but that didn't cushion the blow much.

Sheldon let out a snort of derision. 'Oh, _Penny_. The only reason you don't share Leonard's job title is due to lack of an education. His job isn't _difficult_ or even challenging. Why, an ape could perform those experiments; if you want to call them that seeing as how he only recreates the works of greater minds.'

Well, it was _almost_ a compliment.

'Of course we won't know your intelligence quotient until tonight.'

'Tonight?' I asked, unaware I'd made plans.

He confirmed, 'Yes. Leonard is staying late and Koothrappali is off today. He's also seemed to shut off his phone and vacate his premises for the time being. Be there at five.'

'Be _where?' _

He gave me an impatient look. 'Cal-Tech. You have to drive me home.' And with that, he turned and stalked down the stairs before I could protest.

'Well, you're lucky I have nothing to do today,' I argued halfheartedly, though he was well out of earshot.


	16. Chapter 16

The Paternal Catalyst  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.

Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

16

Penny

'I'm here,' I said into the phone.

'Penny,' scolded Sheldon's voice and his sharp intake of breath signaled a long speech. I set the phone down so I could navigate the parking lot with both hands. It seemed like every single person walking around was so full of smarts they couldn't bother to pay attention to the red sedan that just nearly knocked them over. When I crooked the phone back into my ear, Sheldon was still talking. '. . . greeting, not address your location or the subject of your calling. Furthermore--'

I cut him off. 'Yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen, are you standing out here anywhere? I can't see you.' I peered at the eclectic groups of scientists. I'd figured all smart people dressed similarly. Meaning, like Sheldon and Leonard. Maybe like Raj. But then again, nobody else dressed like the fifth Beatle. It was so diverse I instantly thought of high school.

'No I am still in my office.'

'Well how much longer are you going to be?'

There was some muffled sounds of paper shuffling and he said, 'Fifteen minutes, eighteen seconds. Seventeen. Sixteen.'

'Shel_don_,' I practically whined. 'It's hot out here.' Last week my air conditioning crapped out and I hadn't had any money to fix it. Californian weather is said to be very moderate and that is true… when you get closer to the ocean, where the wind blows cold off the water. Further in, you get heat waves just like anybody else. Pasadena, unfortunately, was a good drive from the ocean.

A gust of static. 'So long as you aren't distractive, you may park and wait in my office.'

'But Leonard . . .'

'He works in a different building. Parking is assigned over here, but you may park in my spot. Assuming you are at the proper building, it is on the north-west side, against the building, near a rather formidable bush.'

'I . . .' I tried, driving slowly to look at the signs at the head of each parking space.

'Take the nearest door and go straight in sixteen and a half feet. Turn right down the hallway. You'll find yourself in a break room. The door farthest from you will lead you to hallway B. My office is on the right. Goodbye.' Then he hung up.

I'd barely gotten any of that, on account of not wanting to commit vehicular homicide today. I was so busy trying to remember what he'd said that I'd passed Sheldon's spot before I noticed it. Doubling back, I pulled in, wondering how someone with no car could get such an amazing spot. I walked through the set of double-doors, the blast of AC was orgasmic. Okay, he'd said to go straight . . . I found a hallway and walked down there. Forever. I was just worried I'd gone the wrong way when I walked past a set of doors that lead into a cafeteria area. A few people were seated at tables, none of them familiar looking fortunately. Not only did the employees remind me of students, the building reminded me of the hallways of Central High. Sure, yeah I knew Cal-tech was a school but I'd expected it to be more . . . I don't know, collegiate. These people were all geniuses . . . I don't know.

I'd forgotten the directions from there, but remembered Hallway B. However, these weren't labeled. Finally, I did spot someone familiar, if only vaguely. 'Uh, _hey_,' I called out, having forgotten his name.

The man immediately turned and waited for me to catch up. His eyes leered at me. 'Hewwo again,' he greeted.

His dirty look and the dried sweat made me want a shower more than I'd wanted anything else. 'Listen, um . . .'

'Kwipky,' he said, the smile never leaving his face. 'Bawwy Kwipky. You'we Woxanne, wight?'

Oh, what the hell. 'I'm a bit lost. Do you know where Sheldon's office is?'

His expression immediately grew annoyed. 'Coopah? Yeah, fowwow me.' He pouted the entire way but fortunately, I'd only been a hallway off. When I saw a nameplate bearing Sheldon's name, I honed in on it like it was home base. 'Thank you,' I said to Barry.

He nodded and stomped off.

I rapped three times on the door and, because I thought it might be amusing (to me), I said, 'Sheldon,' and rapped three more times. I repeated the process twice more before I heard his voice say, 'Come in.'

Behind a large desk, Sheldon was hunched over papers, scribbling with mechanical ease. He looked up when I entered with a slight, required smile. 'Oh, hello, Penny. Have a seat.' He gestured with his pen toward the chair in front of his desk and I obeyed willingly. His office, much like his apartment, was kept very cool and I reclined back, soaking it in, letting it take me further away from heat stroke.

Sheldon immediately fell back into his work, blocking me out. I tried looking around but there wasn't anything interesting to see. The whiteboards had the same mumbo-jumbo on them as his ones at home, and the book cases contained large volumes of things, some which seemed to be titled in Greek. 'So,' I tried, 'this stuff is cool. You know, your work and . . . office.'

'Penny.' It was all he said and gave me a meaningful look. For the first time, I really noticed his eyes. Sheldon looked for the entire world like he truly held the universe's secrets behind those baby blues. 'You have really pretty eyes,' I said.

He rolled them and glared at me.

Of course, it's impossible to compliment Sheldon. 'Sorry, I'll shut up.' I wasn't sure why I even bothered.

Now, instead of looking for something to entertain me, I studied Sheldon. Along with the eyes, other features came into focus. For instance, his hair seemed to be slightly mussed, as if he'd been gripping handfuls of it in frustration. He was wearing an off-white pinstriped shirt that was open at the top two buttons. His blue tie was loosened. What was most surprising was he had a bit of a five o'clock shadow showing. Somehow I'd assumed his face was always so clean-shaven because he hadn't the need to shave. He was so particular about his looks and hygiene and I'd assumed nothing would come between him and his health. But as he wrote away, so sure in his work, so… at ease with it all, I knew his job could very well do that.

I remembered the girl, Ramona and my shock when she'd called Sheldon cute. It wasn't that I ever thought he was ugly or anything; he just didn't fit my definition of someone . . . attractive. I guess I hadn't seen him as possible for a romantic interest. Now, I wondered if she'd just seen what I had yet to see. Had she come into his office and caught him putting his brilliance to work? Not spouting off facts or babbling about physics, or even scheming with the others. No, just sitting, in his own bubble, doing brilliant things. Had he looked unkempt as he did before me? Because I could see it, see how he could be attractive. It wasn't how I usually labeled guys as attractive. I mean, they had strong jaws, nice tans, a muscular back and mischievous grin. But something about Sheldon's confidence, the ease he wrote with . . . how he wasn't being neurotic or complaining . . . I still didn't agree with Ramona's assessment of calling him 'cute'. I'd rather go for sexy.

_Shouldn't I feel dirty thinking that?_ I wondered. The office, actually a decent space, seemed too small and far, far too warm. I wanted Sheldon to hurry up and finish so I could be reassured in his craziness. The sick part of me couldn't look away and wished he'd stay this version of himself. Apparently it had been far too long since I'd last had sex. At _that_ thought, I suddenly imagined a whiplash of events. The feel of Sheldon's soft shirt as I tiptoed out of his bedroom, how warm his body had been as I'd pressed against him. His hands frozen on my right breast, not kneading or groping or rubbing: just sitting there innocently. At least it had felt innocent at the time, now it felt anything but. I remembered the feel of his long fingers grazing my thighs as he'd pulled my shorts up. It must have been there when he looked at my courage tattoo. Had he touched it, too? I couldn't remember and it was getting increasingly important that I know.

I was on my feet so fast the chair wobbled from the sudden loss of weight. I stood by the bookshelf behind the door, as far from Sheldon as I could get. I could feel Sheldon watching me curiously but I pointedly didn't look at him. Instead I spent the rest of the time studying the books there with such intensity I wouldn't have been surprised if one started to slide out toward me.

'Whenever you're done, I'm ready to leave.'

I jerked and whipped my head up. Sheldon stood next to me, far too close. But his interest was on the bookshelf, not me.

I gestured lamely to a book. 'I, uh, was just interested by um . . .' I picked a title at random. 'The Time Machine by H.G. Wells. I love time-travel stories.' At least, I did when they included romance and/or the Victorian Era.

'Oh, it's a _fascinating_ story. Herbert Wells is often credited for the popularization of time-travel stories. That much is debatable but it's incontrovertible that he invented the very term _time machine_ and the idea of a contraption used to purposefully navigate time. H.G. Wells is also the father of science fiction. Have you read it?'

I shook my head. I didn't tell him that most of my reading, if any, is chick-lit.

Then he reached in front of me to grab the book. Or I assumed that was what he was doing. I was too distracted by the closeness and how his collar gaped. He smelled good, like fresh linen and something else. Crisp. Then my vision was blocked by a worn paperback book. _The Time Machine_ the cover said.

Sheldon was holding it out to me. 'I understand it's the accepted convention within the friendship paradigm to supply various items in ones possession on a temporary basis.'

When I first met him and Leonard, I would not have gotten this. But through the years of knowing them I've sort of gotten used to their lingo. Okay _and_ I invested in a dictionary but I was able to use context clues (Mrs. Wells, my second grade teacher would be proud) most of the time. It just took me a while to get that he was lending the book to me. I was still a bit put off by his proximity to think about anything. So I just said, 'Thanks' and took the book.

In the car, I finally snapped. I'd just looked over at him and forgot to look at the road. At that point I asked him to _please_ button up his shirt and tighten his tie. If he made the connection, he probably didn't know the reason. But he actually apologized and did as asked. Watching him do these things was almost as dangerous. Fortunately that little kid ran quite fast across the street.

When we got to my apartment, he easily followed me in, carrying his laptop with him. He apparently had time to bring up a three-hundred-and-sixty-two question questionnaire for me to fill out, to test both my IQ (great) in different areas and gauge my personality traits. He said the online dating profile he'd filled out was what he based his original profile of me on, but he understood people changed so he wanted a more updated version. At least that's what I thought he said. There were a lot of 4-syllabled words. He was buttoned up and being his neurotic self, so it was easier to focus. I was disturbed that I still had to make an effort, though.


	17. Chapter 17

The Paternal Catalyst  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.

Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

17

Sheldon, Penny Questionnaire

Penny: Do we have to do this _now_?

Sheldon: It will be easier if we do this in person.

P: But you left the friendship quiz for me to complete on my own time.

S: That was a _test_, Penny, about me. I couldn't very well be in the room, influencing your answers. Now I filled out the static answers, your name, birthdate, etc.

P: Right, right.

S: Question one: list your hobbies, active then passive.

P: What's the difference?

S: Active hobbies are the ones that require activity. Reading, kite-flying, etc. Passive ones are only interests, but things you probably don't partake in. For example, I am _interested_ in the human culture. I am not a part of it.

P: Oh, okay. Um, I do like to read, and watch movies. Oh, and I love football. I watch it but I don't _do _it, so is that passive or active?

S: You go to games? Watch it on TV?

P: Yes.

S: Then it's like your reading. You don't write, but you read. So it's active.

P: Okay so put that down. Um, oh I love to party. And go to clubs. And drink . . . no I used to. Cross that out. I love shopping and . . . hanging out with friends. And making little accessories. I think that's it of the active ones. I'm not sure what would be a passive one.

S: Your acting.

P: That's a career pursuit.

S: Yes, but you don't actually _do _any acting.

P: You know what? Next question.

S: Long-term and short-term goals.

P: Okay long-term I want to be an actress, maybe end up with my own clothing line, that'd be fun. And get married. Short-term I want to pay my bills on time and get over Leonard.

S: Now these are just generalities I'm gathering for now. We'll wrap back around to get into detail. You are single . . . when's the last time you had intercourse?

P: _Hey_! How is this important?

S: I'm to understand that there's supposed to be a significant time between your past relationship and the future one.

P: Yes but we're talking about Leonard for both. Except for the future one . . . you get what I mean.

S: Point, but answer the question.

P: Fine. About three weeks.

S: How frequently do you prefer to have sex?

P: I don't make up a schedule, Sheldon.

S: So you're saying it's spontaneous?

P: Duh.

S: Then using past experiences, give me an average you have sex in a weekly period.

P: I don't know if I'm comfortable talking with you about this.

S: I don't see why this would cause you discomfort. It's not as if it isn't a perfectly natural progression of the species. It might repulse me but I don't shun the idea.

P: Oh, whatever. Um, six times?

S: Okay . . . you still a big ol' five?

P: What?

S: On a scale of one to five, five being the instigator of coitus and one being passive, what would you rate yourself?

P: Yes, still a five.

S: State any fetishes you have.

P: _Sheldon!_

S: Penny.

P: Okay, _fine_ but you can't let anybody find out, okay? If someone does, I'll castrate you.

S: Understood. It doesn't leave this computer. I'll put a few extra levels of security on it.

P: Okay. I just have one.

S: . . .

P: Exhibitionism.

S: Fascinating.

P: What is _that_ supposed to mean? What do you find so fascinating?

S: While I admit I'm sorely lacking on the subject, if I am to understand correctly, the orgasm is actually an intense pain. However the body anticipates this pain and immediately releases a surge of endorphins, creating that pleasurable feeling. Adrenaline heightens this effect so many people seek methods of incorporating the chemical into their carnal acts. The act of exhibitionism or Lady Godiva Syndrome is just one method but has two branches. One is the act of coitus in a semipublic place and the fear of getting caught is what drives the thrill. The other is a sister to voyeurism, in which the couple enjoys someone watching. Which branch are you?

P: Is this really relevant?

S: Oh, yes. This will--

P: You aren't filling out another dating profile for me, are you?

S: I'll admit it crossed my mind but I decided against it.

P: Okay you'd better not.

S: You're answer?

P: The first one. Fear of getting caught or whatever.

S: Fascinating.

P: Stop saying that!

S: Alrighty.

P: . . . okay what's so fascinating about it?

S: You rely on others' opinions of you to shape your self-image, give you self-worth. Essentially, you thrive on attention. Asked, I would have predicted you would have been the second branch, enjoying voyeurs. Upon reconsideration it is more logical that you might be self-conscious and not want a viewer. You are extroverted but are at the same time, shy.

P: I see you've been talking to Bev.

S: She is a _brilliant_ woman. Leonard was a lucky child.

P: Yeah, yeah. Next question.

S: I see talk of sexual acts makes you uncomfortable. I don't understand why as you engage in intercourse semi-frequently. However, I will move on.

P: Thanks so very much, Sheldon.

S: You're welcome, Penny. Do you want to have children?


	18. Chapter 18

The Paternal Catalyst  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.

Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

18

Penny

There were about a hundred thousand more questions followed by an IQ test. I had been mistaken thinking the three-hundred-something questions included the IQ thingy. Nope. I was nervous because I hadn't been in school for a few years and am not very smart. I said to Sheldon, 'I don't want to fail. Can't I study?'

'There is no _failing_ an IQ test,' he answered snootily. 'That is an understandable mistake, however. The application of the word 'test' does imply something which one tries to pass. Perhaps 'evaluation' would be more suitable. Or assessment.' He then launched into a long speech about how Alfred Binet and Theòdore Simon invented it but modern tests go by the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale. I then asked if the fact that I couldn't follow his 'brief' history of the IQ test (or assessment) boded well. He didn't answer me.

He graded the test right there and only griped at me for bothering him twice.

'Well?' I asked when he'd finished. 'What's my IQ?' I didn't feel like I did too well. I had expected questions like, 'what chemicals are in wood' or something like that but a good chunk were just 'spot the pattern and select what the next is.' Those were surprisingly easy and I felt good about it. Sheldon explained that generally women score higher on that section. 'While the male and female brains are mapped differently, the idea that either gender has a higher IQ than the other is hogwash. The differences are specific, not all encompassing. Males usually score well sporadically, whereas women will score near-perfect in certain sections, such as patterns, and do terribly in other sections. I am not smarter than you are because I'm male.'

This was adding to the headache I'd already developed. 'So what does this _mean?_ What's my score?'

'One hundred and ten.'

I shook my head to say that number meant nothing to me.

He sighed. 'The average IQ is one hundred.'

_A hundred! _'So I'm smarter than the average bear, then?' I asked, brightening.

'Average _human_. We don't give IQ scores to bears and even if we did, we wouldn't weigh it against an individual human's.' Then he looked back at the paper as if wondering if he'd miss-scored me.

But I was still smiling. 'But that means I'm smart!'

'Barely,' he grudgingly admitted.

Knowing those four geniuses I was beginning to feel really dumb. I mean, Sheldon never let me forget the differences in our intelligence. Though I tried not to take it personally, since he saw everyone as much dumber than he was. But still, it did make me feel like I was mentally retarded. It was good to know they hadn't sucked my IQ dry or something.

He was shuffling the paper together and rising to his feet. 'Thank you for your input.' It sounded like a second thought

'Wait!' I stood, grabbing his arm. He looked at me expectantly. 'You want to go see a movie?'

'A _movie?_' he repeated, his eyebrows rising the crease his forehead.

I wasn't sure why I was doing it. Maybe I wanted to prolong hearing more reasons why I wasn't good enough for Leonard. Maybe because I'd had such a shitty time and being alone with my thoughts didn't sound like fun. Anytime I had, I dwelled on my failures, current and past, and couldn't shake the darkness that rested inside me. There were easier days and worse days. I'll admit Erwin seemed to help a little bit. Riding the waves had been just something I'd gotten used to. It made sense to just stay indoors, not talk to anybody but hanging out with Tabitha had been like cool wind after a hot day. I missed the guys, hanging out with them. Halo night was a lot more fun than I let Sheldon know. Now I saw a window not to focus on that and I was taking it. 'Yeah,' I said to Sheldon answering his question. 'There's that Star Trek movie out. Have you seen it?'

'Yes.'

Crap. Of course he had; he would have seen it opening day. I tried to think of what was out that he might enjoy that was out in theaters. There wasn't much out by way of science fiction or fantasy and I was sure Sheldon wouldn't like the romantic comedy with Kate Hudson I wanted to see. I'd make him watch that on Movie Night, when it came to DVD. Also, I kind of wanted to see the superhero movie.

'Penny,' said Sheldon and it was obvious he'd been thinking. 'Are you the type of person who refuses to attend the theater without an escort?'

I sniffed. 'Of course.' And because Sheldon wouldn't know why, I explained, 'It's weird to see a movie by yourself.'

'The collective looks down on people who attend movies solo?'

'Yeah,' I answered. 'Sure.'

'I suppose since you have nobody else at the moment, I could stand in. I admit I do want to view a second time to get a more analytical perspective.'


	19. Chapter 19

The Paternal Catalyst  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.

Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

19

Sheldon, Leonard, Penny

Sheldon: Hello?

Leonard: Sheldon? Where are you?

S: I am at the movie theater.

L: Why?

S: To see a movie.

L: But it's not movie night.

S: I am aware.

L: . . . so this is spontaneous?

S: Yes.

L: Is this Sheldon _Cooper?_

S: _Yes, _Leonard _Hofstadter. _

L: What on earth would make you do something spontaneous?

S: I cleared my day to spend time with Penny. While it wasn't planned, when she suggested a movie I saw no problem with it.

L: Penny?

S: Leonard, you might want to get your hearing checked, or turn up the volume on your phone. Yes, Penny. Your neighbor and the victim of your failed relationship.

L: Is it a date?

S: Let me ask. Penny, are we on a date?

Penny: What? No.

S: Is that sarcasm?

P: _No. _

S: She says it's not a date. She's not being sarcastic; I checked.

L: May I talk to her?

S: Leonard wants to talk to you.

P: No.

S: She says no.

L: Tell her we should clear things up.

S: He says you and he should clear things up.

P: _No. _

S: She says no.

P: Actually hand me the phone.

L: She changed her mind.

P: Listen, Leonard, you can't dump me because I'm boring then get jealous when I hang out with your friends. I'm allowed to, you know. You're not going to do this 'nobody but me can have Penny' shit. You dumped me, remember? I'm free to date Sheldon if I want.

L: You said it wasn't a date!

P: Goodbye Leonard.


	20. Chapter 20

The Paternal Catalyst  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.

Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

20

Penny

The movie was really good, really actiony with a bit of romance: my favorite. Sheldon, on the other hand, declared that the second viewing hadn't cleared up that chunk and he still thought the entire thing logical.

When we got there, he actually paid for me, which was a shock. Until he told me he noticed I hadn't done my laundry in a while and had resumed leeching his Wi-Fi, which he inferred to mean I was short on cash. Of course, he said this with ten people behind us in line. I was so mortified I didn't argue. I bought my own food when I lied and said I had to use the restroom and he went off to find the 'acoustic sweet spot'. This way by the time I got out, there would be no point in him telling me how little money I had. I _knew_ I was poor and I didn't need him guilting me about it. I got him a slushy and some Red Vines.

He was on the right side, about four rows up. 'Bah!' he shouted and everyone in the half-packed theater stared at him and whispered to one another. Turning around, he saw me and smiled. 'I found it!' I sat down and gave him his things. He looked ready to launch into a diatribe but seemed to rethink it. I offered some of my popcorn but this led to a speech on germs and whatnot, so I let it drop.

As I sat through the movie, I realized how extra good it felt to be out and just having a good time with a friend. I remembered dates I went on with Leonard, however few they were and realized, I liked this better. And that wasn't just because he'd broken my heart. But with Leonard, it did seem to be entirely sex. Going to the movies was almost . . . pointless. Like we'd go back and have sex, why go to the movies together? It didn't heighten the relationship; it just seemed like a necessary thing. And the dynamic had changed. I wasn't the neighbor and a friend of the guys' but Leonard's Girlfriend. It was like there was something different expected of me, new restrictions. And that wasn't how a girl should feel about her boyfriend, I realized. It shouldn't be a chore to date him! Somewhere between Kirk getting in trouble, trying to screw someone he wasn't supposed to and him getting into a fight with Spock, I realized Leonard had been right. We didn't work as boyfriend/girlfriend at all. He was wrong that I was boring but yes, we were fantastic friends. Together if we weren't fucking, we were fighting.

So why, I wondered did I fall in love with him in the first place? He wasn't like other guys . . . that had to be it. Leonard was safe; he showed obvious interest in me and didn't seem to be too selfish (though he was a little bit; who wasn't?), so that was a change of pace. I was already comfortable with him. But that doesn't equal love; that equals a cowardly move. He was my friend and one of the very few non-threatening guy friends I had.

And just like that, I was over him. Realizing I hadn't been in love in the first place helped a lot. I watched the rest of the movie in pure bliss and was grinning look a fool once the movie got out. We disposed of our drink containers and I kept my still-half-full bag of popcorn for later snacking.

'I think it would be interesting to hear your opinion of the movie, as you come from a unique standpoint of never having watched any other incarnations of the Star Trek franchise before the reboot,' said Sheldon as he slid into the passenger seat of my car. 'Your view is virtually pure and one I don't often encounter.'

Only Sheldon Cooper could make _enjoy the movie? _into a paragraph. 'I think I actually like it more than the first. I didn't like Kirk in that one; he was kind of a pig. This gives him a bit of depth. Still I think my favorite character is Spock.'

'Oh, really?' he asked with surprised pleasure. 'Me too! What about him do you find makes him a thorough and relatable character? I personally admire his reign on his emotions and to think logically even in times of high stress. He is also, how they say _bad ass_.'

I felt almost terrible answering him. 'Well, I actually think he's a bit of a prick but he's hot!' At his fallen face, I added, 'And, you know, he's smart. I like smart guys.' At that, I punched him lightly in the arm.

This seemed to placate him and he went on about original Spock and how he differs from the new Spock. What similarities they had, the mannerisms they beheld. 'Of course,' he said on that topic. 'A lot of the subtle idiosyncrasies that the different Spocks hold is in direct line with that particular actor's mannerisms. Indeed Zachary Quinto did study with Leonard Nimoy so as to stay honest to the character. As he is human, however, his own movements and speech patterns filtered through. Nevertheless, I find both versions engaging.' I let him talk, even putting in my opinions every now and then. I knew a surprising amount (not much compared to them, but more than I thought) of knowledge of Star Trek. Some of it was from them babbling but also--and Sheldon didn't know this--my dad was a pretty big Star Trek fan, and watched The Next Generation. I never got into it; at times I hated how constantly it was on, but somehow seemed to have retained information. There was a floaty bubble around me and I never wanted to leave.

But when I pulled into our parking lot, I made a conscious decision to talk to Leonard.

He must have had the same thought because as soon as we got onto the fourth floor, the door to 4A flew open and there stood Leonard. 'Penny, please talk to me.'

'My thoughts exactly,' I said and slid past him into his and Sheldon's apartment.

I was just about to follow Leonard to his room when I felt a warm hand on my elbow. Sheldon gently pulled me aside and folded his arms. In a low voice, he said, 'My words thus far have gone unheeded. That said, I feel it necessary to warn you against doing anything brash, Penny. I know the pheromones produced and nurtured by your continuous coitus with Leonard might get the better of you but you must _fight_ it. If it would help, I can plug in the updated information you submitted into my formula.'

'Don't worry, sweetie,' I cooed, putting a hand on his check. 'We're not getting back together.'

'Oh,' said Sheldon, relieved. 'Good.'

I gave his chin a squeeze and lead Leonard to my door.


	21. Chapter 21

The Paternal Catalyst  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.

Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

Thanks everyone for your comments/criticism!

21

Leonard

They'd gone to the movies together before, just those two. Leonard new this, was aware of this. After all, when its movie night, Sheldon would demand whoever was available to participate. There were times Penny was the only one available. Usually Leonard, Raj, and Howard would lie and bow out so they didn't have to deal with his picky movie preferences. Generally they had the same taste in movies but not in theaters. Sheldon was incredibly picky.

Leonard had a not-so-secret (among his friends) love of mindless action movies. Sheldon hated them for reasons he would be thrilled to disclose upon anybody, willing or otherwise. Leonard didn't mind that his roommate refused to see those movies; he understood they weren't for everybody. It wasn't the movie-seeing that bugged him, but the fact that he gave and gave for Sheldon who rarely returned the favor, and even then with great complaint.

Now Sheldon was with Penny. Penny who didn't live with him but Sheldon let con him into seeing some chick flick. But the biggest problem on Leonard's mind was what they were talking about. Eventually Leonard wanted to be friends with her again; he missed her in that sense. Sure, he'd made a few mistakes and said some things wrong. He wanted to rectify it. He was just afraid Sheldon was disclosing all his flaws to Penny, or blabbing other things Leonard had said about her. He'd done it before.

He put his foot down and forced himself to man up and talk to Penny when she got home.

He sat on the couch and didn't turn the TV on, so that he could listen for their return. He determined he'd have exactly eighteen seconds from the time Penny's foot hit the fourth floor landing to the time she disappeared into her apartment, where she'd avoid him. He didn't have a script prepared like last time, which was dangerous. Then again, the script last time didn't do much good either.

Leonard was working on his dissertation when Penny's high-pitched giggle sounded. In a semi-panicked state, Leonard bolted to the door and threw it open.

Penny and Sheldon were ascending the stairs side-by-side. Leonard was relieved at first, to see her smiling--no, _beaming. _It was the expression she wore whenever she was bating Sheldon, who was glaring at her. It was two things Leonard noticed that threw him. One, Sheldon's glare was only at half-mast. Was it a non-verbal _bazinga_? It was rare Sheldon wouldn't glare without feeling behind it. In fact, if asked to sit and really think about it, Leonard was pretty certain Sheldon _never_ wore that expression meaninglessly. The second--and this was possibly the most surprising--was Penny. Leonard was expecting the bitter, angry Penny he'd left, or the sad one he sensed was inside. She was so much the antithesis of either, maybe even more so than he'd ever seen. She positively glowed, her eyes merry and smile genuine.

He hated to ruin her good mood. 'Penny,' he said and worried his voice wobbled a bit.

Both gazes snapped onto him--Penny getting a flush to her cheeks and Sheldon looked annoyed. When they reached the landing, he said, 'Can we talk? Please?'

To his disbelief, she didn't put up much of a fight. Or one at all. In fact, she seemed as though she'd already predetermined the events. 'My thoughts exactly. My apartment?'

Sheldon wore a mask of horror. In a low voice, one he no doubt assumed Leonard couldn't hear despite their proximity, said, 'My words thus far have gone unheeded. That said I feel it necessary to warn you against doing anything brash, Penny. I know the pheromones produced and nurtured by your continuous coitus with Leonard might get the better of you but you must _fight_ it. If it would help, I can plug in the updated information you submitted into my formula.'

_Formula?_ Leonard wondered. Since when did Penny and Sheldon talk math?

Instead of getting flustered, Penny merely smiled kindly at Sheldon and promised, 'don't worry, Sweetie. We're not getting back together.' Then she started toward her apartment.

Leonard followed, or tried to. Sheldon positioned himself as a barrier and opened his mouth to speak. Leonard merely sidestepped him and followed Penny in.

Her apartment had the beginning stages of disarray and so only had to move one shirt off the sofa to make room for both of them. His palms were moist as he sat down so he tried to rub them on his jeans. 'Listen, Penny… I want to apologize. I didn't mean what I said. Well, I _meant_ the part of us breaking up. But . . .' He looked down at his hands, worrying he'd make it worse. 'You're not boring. I made it sound like you were and I'm sorry. You're very interesting and fun to hang out with . . . I just . . . I didn't feel a connection when we talked. When we were friends there was that connection and it was fun. We just . . . we don't talk when . . .' Oh, this wasn't going anywhere good. Still he tried; what was the alternative, after all? 'We weren't ourselves with each other. I tried to act less . . . geeky and you . . .'

She protested, 'No, I was myself!'

'Penny,' he told her, and to his own ears he sounded like Sheldon revving up to give one of his I'm-right-and-this-is-how-you-are-stupid speeches. Maybe he had lived with him too long. 'You lied about graduating community college.'

'But--'

'Remember when you wanted to understand what projects I was working on?' The memory was manifesting as he spoke. 'You didn't just ask me, the one working on it, what was going on. You went to _Sheldon.' _

'Well, Leonard,' she practically snapped. 'You're so much smarter than I am that I didn't want to look like a moron. I wanted to impress you.'

He almost pointed out that Sheldon was much smarter than he was. But he knew she'd only respond that she hadn't been dating _Sheldon_. It was veering way off track and he wanted to get it back on. 'That's the thing, Penny. Instead of being yourself and letting me learn who you were, you wanted to show me something you thought I wanted.'

With her face that menacing and finger wagging in his face, he couldn't help but remember her little tale about Junior Rodeo. 'Now you listen,' snarled Penny. 'Don't you make it sound like I came here to beg you to take me back. I didn't. In fact, I came here with the intention of telling you I'm over you.'

'Over me?' he repeated.

She looked ready to strangle him but at that second, Leonard heard a soft mewl. A small calico kitten manifested from beneath the coffee table and leapt onto Penny's lap. Its tail up in a question mark, it looked up into her face and let out another small cry. The effect was immediate. Her expression changed so dramatically and so quickly, he was certain had he filmed the event with a high-speed camera, the transition would only last a couple frames. She hooked one arm around the cat to herd it into her chest. It nuzzled there, and Leonard could hear it purring. When she met his gaze again, it wasn't so pissed. It was as if the cat had some sort of tranquilizing effect. 'Leonard, I actually wanted to talk to you after the movie. I came here to tell you that you're right. We aren't good together; we aren't ourselves, and we nearly have to get drunk to have sex. As friends, we're fantastic but as boyfriend-girlfriend? We suck. I want to be friends again, Leonard.'

He felt relief and half-mindedly wondered if the cat had something to do with it. 'Oh good--'

She wasn't finished. 'But, you kind of pissed me off, Leonard. First you tell me you used me for sex and then you say I'm crap at conversations. When I come to talk to you, you start accusing me of who-knows-what for no reason.'

'But I didn't use you for sex!' he cried, gripping handfuls of his hair. 'You're beautiful and perfect. You paid attention to me. I thought I was in love with you, I swear I did! And I didn't mean I didn't think you were--'

'Stop,' she says, only she doesn't seem so mad just tired. 'I understand those. I just . . . I need some time. I do want to hang out with you but I think for now, it should be with someone else there, too. Like the guys.'

'Really?' he asked, hopeful.

She smiled. It wasn't her full mega-watt smile she usually bore, but at least it reached her eyes. That was a start. 'I think we're going to be fine. _As friends.' _

For a good long time, he didn't have anything to add. And she didn't seem like she needed to say anything. It felt settled so he thought it was a good time to change the subject. 'So . . .'

'We should try to do something. The whole group,' she suggested. 'Maybe watch the Star Trek movie at your place? The first one?'

He nodded and they fell silent again. 'Penny, your cat,' he tried lamely, gesturing to the feline which had now curled up into a tiny ball, not much larger than his fist.

She looked down in surprise, as if having forgotten its presence. 'Schrödinger?'

He blinked. 'Schrödinger?'

'Yeah.' She let out a small smile. 'Named after Erwin Schrödinger. He did the cat experiment, you remember?'

'Yeah, yeah, I remember. Penny, don't take offense but . . . did you buy him because you were lonely?'

He flinched, expecting assault but she didn't move to shove him out the door, and there was no rage on her pretty features. This expression was something he couldn't read, but guessed to be somewhere in the neighborhood of confused. 'You don't know?'

'Know what?' he hedged, fearing a trap. He imagined Sheldon's horrible impersonation of Admiral Akbar, warning, _It's a trap!_

As if sensing it was being spoken about, the cat--Schrödinger--stood up and stretched, letting out a yelp of a yawn. He appraised Leonard sleepily before plopping down where he was. 'Sheldon got him for me.'

If there was an explanation, she wasn't forthcoming with it. She just watched him, waiting. 'He . . . gave you the money for it?' he tried.

'No,' she said emphatically. 'He actually got Schrödinger for me, surprised me. It was a gift.' She looked a bit misty-eyed at this declaration.

Hell, he would have been too, had it happened. In all the time he'd known Sheldon, the theoretical physicist hadn't bestowed a gift on anybody. Unless you counted those Tums Sheldon got him to ease his gas. Leonard didn't.

Penny was still talking. 'Yeah, the way he explained it, I think, he noticed I was sad so got me a cat to cheer me up. And because he's Sheldon, he got me a hypoallergenic one.' Then she rolled her eyes as if this was just another part of Sheldon's weirdness.

That sobered him up real quick. Leonard remembered when he was looking at those cats. Penny was obviously obliviously happy; whatever Sheldon told her, she seemed to have accepted. 'Nice. Well, look. I actually have a presentation to prepare for the undergrads. So I'm going to go back to work.' He stood. 'And you know, I'm glad we can be friends again. Later, Penny.'

He couldn't get out of there fast enough.

'_Sheldon,' _he barked as soon as he stepped foot into the apartment they shared. He spotted Sheldon sitting at his desk, fingers tapping on the laptop's keyboard. 'Leonard, the acoustics in the apartment are perfectly satisfactory,' said Sheldon without looking up from his screen.

'You bought her a _cat_?' pressed Leonard, standing over him. Though the height difference between Sheldon's six-two and Leonard's five-foot-five evened out the playing field a bit. 'You bought Penny one of those hypoallergenic _cats_?'

Now their eyes met. 'Is your vision so terrible you need someone to confirm what you think you saw?'

'Sheldon, the cheapest of those cats was _two-thousand-dollars!_'

He didn't seem to be distressed by this declaration. 'I'm aware,' he told Leonard. 'I didn't pick the cat by its price, but I've read that certain temperaments match with certain owner's temperaments. If the kitten price at the minimum had met this qualification, I would certainly have purchased it. As it was, I had to go up in price.' There was a second of silence before he added, 'If you were wiser with your income, you might have similar funds.'

Sure, Sheldon wasn't exactly stingy with his money. If you needed it, he could be counted on to lend you whatever you needed. Well, you might get a lecture or two (at least for Leonard. He never seemed to criticize Penny) but a small price to pay. So while Leonard had never witnessed Sheldon lending more than a couple hundred dollars, he felt it safe to assume upwards of a thousand dollars was a bit extreme. Even then . . . 'Is she going to pay you back?'

Leonard waited for an affirmative. Sheldon was selfish. He loaned money freely but _loaned _was the operative word. But Sheldon answered what he suspected. 'There were no pre-agreed upon terms of an exchange of goods. The cat was not requested but offered and neither of us mentioned repayment. Had Penny offered, I would have turned her down because I don't want a cat.'

It took Leonard to understand. He did have an IQ in the 170s, after all, something people forgot about next to Sheldon. 'No, I mean compensation for the value of the cat you purchased for her.'

The Texan stopped and blankly at a wall. Then he turned and said, 'Unnecessary. The act is seen as a donation on my part, a gift for the layman and if I am to understand correctly, gifts are not reimbursed.'

'Sheldon, since when do you freely give gifts to people?' Leonard was exacerbated. He wasn't sure if his roommate was deliberately answering in curt, simple responses just to make him struggle or if Sheldon truly was answering entirely. And that made him even wearier.

Sheldon met his gaze evenly. 'By your actions and if I am to understand correctly, your oration explaining the reason for your desire to shift the paradigm between you and Penny, was severely flawed and misleading. It caused Penny to spiral downward back into addictive behaviors, the favored one being online gaming. If you'll recall two years ago when she first began this trend, I was the one who suffered. The cat, I saw, was a viable distraction for her. In short, Leonard, I need my sleep.' Then he turned back to his computer, pointedly typing away and ending the subject.

Except Leonard could have sworn Sheldon's eyelid twitched, just slightly. Facial tics were Sheldon's tell, to use gambling vernacular. However, whenever he was lying, Sheldon's face would dance as if a thousand tiny motors were controlling separate parts. It was probably nothing, due to fatigue or stress, yet it still tugged at Leonard, made him uneasy. If he were to analyze the past couple of weeks, he would find nothing really sat well with him. Well, Penny forgiving him was a relief, yet it felt tainted. Not as if she was dishonest or had ulterior motives. He couldn't really identify it but knew it was similar to the current situation and also, he was surprised to discover, not unlike the entire trigger, when he'd found her in his apartment wearing Sheldon's shirt.

Theoretical physics was Sheldon's terrain but Leonard knew enough about it to know that if one found repeated occurrences in different situations, it was something to be investigated, to uncover the connection and identify the causation. The three aforementioned events had produced the same slightly hollow feeling in his gut and contained at least one of the same two people. It wasn't a leap to suggest the reason he felt this way was the same all around. The whodunit was, however, the tricky part. See, Leonard had no idea.

Leonard wasn't usually the type of scientist to stare at a formula until the answer magically manifested itself in his mind. He had to write it out, as if the movements of his fingers tightened up the strings in his mind and everything seemed to clear itself up with each keystroke. When he'd had his crush on Penny and was analyzing every word out of her mouth, every reaction, he'd talked it out with his friends. But he knew Sheldon would be no help, especially as he was one of the subjects to be studied, and the thought of bringing in Raj or Howard made him feel crowded. He hadn't gotten the answers with that method anyway and perhaps thinking of it scientifically would help.

So he sat down and started writing down the different events. There were others, but these were the main ones, they felt like it at any rate. As he wrote, however, he did stumble across another time he'd felt similar and that was when he'd had dinner with Penny, her dad, Raj, Howard, and Sheldon. It was momentous in that it was the first time he'd actually realized he'd felt different. It was the same night he'd first accepted that maybe he and Penny maybe weren't meant to be. Somehow, though this was the second incident, it felt like it held the most answers.

Starting with the most recent, as it was freshest in his mind, he wrote down everything he could remember about the different circumstances. His springboard was to cross-reference them to find constants. It was, after all, what he'd do with a math problem. Because he knew, (from a good amount of Sherlock Holmes he'd read as a child, the only leisure reading his mother allowed) it would be foolish to overlook the minutest of details, he wrote down everything from the weather, to the decor, to his general mood proceeding. It was, predictably yet still with surprise, upon the dinner that he felt his first strike. He'd expected greater difficulty and yet, there it was.

The details he'd gathered all did seem random and unimportant. Indeed even time of day wasn't anywhere near similar. He was beginning to feel quite silly writing down shallow information when he did find something significant. It was during that supper that he got the feeling he wasn't actually in love with Penny. Going back just slightly further, what had triggered this thought was that he didn't have a bond with her.

Not like Sheldon did.

And the first time, when he'd gotten the cold fear she'd cheated on him with his best friend, he'd felt it there, too. He'd later figured the reason it bothered him even further than anybody else was that closeness between the two. He had to admit that of his friends, Sheldon was the obvious choice for Penny and not only by Sherlock's elementary. Penny cared for Sheldon. Sure, she loved all of them but it seemed to be Sheldon she felt comfortable being herself with. She'd told him about her lack of a college degree, asked him to teach her physics. It was a strange thought because, in Leonard's opinion, Sheldon was the worst person to trust entirely. The way Penny did, at least. Sheldon was selfish and at times, really couldn't care less about anyone but himself. He didn't understand tact and would easily lie out a person's weak spots for them, usually demeaning them. He'd never let Penny forget how much smarter he was than her, yet she didn't have a problem sharing her flaws with him.

So his friend and ex had a connection. Why would that bother him? The acid of jealousy in his stomach was much weakened by now; admitting he didn't have feelings for her took care of that better than Tums ever did.

As he wrote, Leonard remembered first meeting Penny and the way she looked at Sheldon, the way she flirted. It wasn't the first time Sheldon managed to woo some girl. There were a few times when a young undergrad would swoon at Sheldon's brilliance. Unless they were the stalker type, the crush died fairly quickly. Or he spoke bluntly about something and inadvertently flattered the woman, as with Raj's date. Though this didn't seem to be either reasoning for her infatuation, Penny still flirted. It didn't bother Leonard too much because he knew she'd eventually see his true colors. And sure enough Sheldon had to break into Penny's apartment and clean, which killed her feelings pretty effectively.

Or had it?

Even without his delusional goggles, Leonard knew there was a time she actually did like Leonard, if not off and on. Yet when she came over, whom did she talk to, even going out of her way to do so. She seemed to yearn to push Sheldon's buttons the way none of the others would. He'd thought this was because she refused to accept Sheldon's insanity and this of her Leonard admired. Maybe she was also doing it for her amusement; that, he was sure, was one of the reasons. He now wondered, however, if another wasn't because Sheldon gave her attention. Because--and the memories were hitting him almost too fast for his fingers to hit the keys--whenever he did talk directly to her, she was focused intently even when it was some long droll speech she surely had no interest in. And Sheldon's compliments to anyone were few and far between, sure. But usually the reactions to the rarities were shock, followed by more shock. Penny was surprised, sure, but then would smile so brightly one would think she'd received the breakout role she'd been dreaming of. She _glowed_.

And Leonard paused over his keyboard and wondered into the Land of the Impossible. Maybe, just maybe, that joy wasn't because of the rarity, thus value, of the compliment. He looked over at Sheldon, who was oblivious to his roommate's musings and merrily typed away on the Dell, a glazed yet pleased expression on his face. Did Penny still have that crush on Sheldon? And surely if it had lasted this long, it had to have deepened, truly stood the test of time.

Occam's Razor stated that the simplest solution, no matter how ridiculous was usually the most likely. Leonard had to admit that Sheldon did have a charm about him. If he were truly a horrible human being, Leonard wouldn't have stayed his friend. Sheldon was never intentionally malicious and he did try to help in his own ways (sharing facts, informing people on aid to their bowel movements, if sadly, in front of attractive women). Sure, he insulted people but it was usually unintentional. It wasn't that Sheldon didn't care about others' feelings; he just didn't notice them. And he'd been nice to Penny, even before the cat thing. Leonard figured he just couldn't see Sheldon as a mate because, well, he lived with him. Also he wasn't gay. But mostly because Sheldon didn't really seem like he'd work as anybody's boyfriend. Hell, Leonard wanted to kill the man at least three times a day and that was just living with him. Being tied to him?

But Leonard had a solid hypothesis and if this were the scientific method, his next step would be to perform experiments. Leonard felt silly but his other methods of figuring things like this out (asking his friends for opinions, then worrying it to the nub) hadn't panned out very well.


	22. Chapter 22

The Paternal Catalyst  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.

Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

Thanks everyone for your comments/criticism!

22

Penny

It was my first get-together with the guys, all of them, since Leonard and I broke up and I was a bag of nerves.

Sure, I hung out with all but Leonard before, and that was comfortable enough. Well. As comfortable as one can be with a guy who won't talk, one who won't _stop_ talking, and Howard. So I knew I was fine with them, and the addition of Leonard, yes, was going to make things awkward. But I should have been okay since I still had three guys I could talk to.

Yet somehow, I felt cowardly. So I invited Tabitha along.

I'd told her about her flirting with Sheldon, since she didn't remember, and she was utterly horrified and was swearing of alcohol in all forms.

'I don't know _why_ I do that when I get drunk!' she was complaining as we got everyone's dinner. 'It's not like I'm serious and it never pans out. Well, there was this one time I woke up in a guy's bed.' Her face was a mask of horror. 'I don't _like_ guys. I mean, their penises are so ugly. How do you _stand_ it? But anyway, I flirt with guys I think because it's funny. Maybe? I don't know. Is your friend mad, terribly?'

I had talked to Sheldon already on the subject and he did argue, saying he was tired of me throwing people at him. But I promised it was a fluke and that she'd behave herself. He agreed on the agreement that I keep myself between the two of them at all times.

On the ride home, I explained this to her, also explaining the guys, briefly. Sort of a Cliff's Notes version of each of them. Just to warn her, so she wouldn't be surprised. I knew I liked her because she wasn't a snob; she didn't turn her nose up at playing Rockband with a bunch of geeks as some of my friends have. Well, ex-friends.

I usually don't knock when I know the guys are expecting me, but I felt like that was wrong now. So I did knock, three times, and had to resist the urge to say 'Sheldon' after it, and repeat. Leonard answered the door, his face going from curiosity to surprise. 'Penny?' he asked, which wasn't much of a greeting. Then he remembered himself and stood a bit straighter, smiling megawatt at Tabitha. 'Hello,' he greeted. I'd already briefed the boys on her sexual preference, so there was no threat of anybody hitting on her. I hoped.

'Well, come in!' he said, after I'd introduced the two.

The scene before me was a bit . . . surprising. Well, not Howard and Raj hunched over Raj's computer, a spirited debate ensuing; or as spirited as a debate could get with Raj whispering into Howard's ear. I heard the tinny voice of Raj's mother. I made sure to not walk where the laptop's built-in camera could see me. It wasn't that I didn't like his parents; I just didn't want to be nagged, too.

No, the surprising part was Sheldon. Or more namely, who was talking to Sheldon. She was a pretty girl, tall with brown hair. She was talking animatedly to him, her arms gesturing here and there. Her smile was large and she leaned into him in an unmistakably flirty way. Oh, and she was in my spot.

Noting the direction of my gaze, Leonard said, 'Penny, this is Martha. She works with us at Cal Tech. Martha, Penny, our neighbor.'

'Hello,' greeted Martha with a smile, before turning back to Sheldon. They were talking about comic books from what I could hear, and while I did catch names I recognized, Rogue, Spiderman, etc, I couldn't follow it to save my life. Introductions went around as normal, with Howard giving Tabitha a once-over and muttering, 'Shame' before returning to his transatlantic conversation.

I wasn't anal about which spot was whose the way Sheldon was, but that girl _was_ in my spot. I always sat on the middle cushion; it was comfortable. Okay maybe I didn't really care before but I was slowly coming back into the usual routine. It would help if I had my seat as usual. And who was she, anyway? Why hadn't I heard of her and why did she seem to be Sheldon's friend. 'Leonard,' I said in a low voice as I followed him into the kitchen. Poor Tabitha had gotten caught by Raj's parents. 'What's the deal with Martha?'

'What?' he asked, bending down to pull out a root beer. 'What do you mean?'

'Is she like that… the undergrad who was obsessed with him?'

His eyebrows lowered a bit and he peered at me almost suspiciously. 'Well, apparently he and Raj went to a sort of mixer at Cal Tech and met her. They hung out a couple of times. You know,' he mused, looking up. 'I think she might have a bit of a crush on him.'

A bit? 'Oh,' was all I said.

I hadn't brought enough for her, so we had to eat family style again. Both she and Sheldon balked at this but complied anyway. As we all ate, we talked, too. Raj's laptop was closed, so he kept whispering things into Howard's ear, who would either laugh, nod, or argue, or relay the information to someone else.

Sheldon and his friend talked amongst themselves mostly, Martha sitting far too close to Sheldon, who didn't seem to notice, or mind. He was being his usual self, but she was quite a bit like him, that was quickly evident. She had the same interests in comics, and understood all his physics-babble, giggled at some mathematical joke I wouldn't have gotten even if I _had_ passed algebra. He didn't talk down to her or remind her of her lack of intelligence. Because there was no lack, she was on his same level. Except unlike him, she clearly had a libido, if the painfully obvious flirting was any indication. Though I suspected she'd probably started off with subtle flirting but cranked it up a few notches. Subtle was not in Sheldon's otherwise massive vocabulary.

When Sheldon got up to grab another pop, I was on his heels. When he stopped to open the fridge, I hadn't been expecting it and bumped into him. 'Do you want one?' he asked, holding out a can.

I shot a glance at Martha, who was watching us curiously, and gently pushed Sheldon into the corner, just hidden enough to be out of her field of vision. 'Sheldon, there's something you should know,' I hissed, not really knowing where my mouth was going, but plodding on nonetheless. He set down his cans and folded his arms, eyebrows raised. I said, 'I think Martha wants to have sex with you.'

'You _think?_' It wasn't sarcastic; his tone asked if I'd misused the word.

I rolled my eyes. 'It's obvious with the way she's acting. She's been throwing herself at you all night.'

I watched him, my eyes darting from his left to right, waiting for a reaction. He merely regarded me coolly, then looked up in thought. There was understanding, then, 'You're talking about semiotics, I presume?'

'What?' I'd heard the word before; probably he mentioned it at some point. I couldn't remember what it meant, really. Something about linguistics and the body. Body language? Yeah, we'll go with that. 'Sure, yeah.'

Thoughtful nodding as he seemed to be working over an equation in his mind. 'Thank you, Penny,' he told me politely and walked back toward the couch. I followed him, relieved and feeling a little guilty. I had done it because she didn't deserve to be led on and he should know where things sat. So why did I feel guilty?

It was probably connected to the lump that formed instantly when he sat down next to Martha and said unabashedly, 'Penny says you want to have sex with me.'

Howard sputtered, his mouthful of soda dripping down his chin. Leonard started laughing and Martha just stared at Sheldon, a slightly horrified look on her face. Then she looked at me, eyes round and darting between frightened, grateful, and pissed-off.

'Is this true?' asked Sheldon, unaware of the effect of the words.

Her mouth opened and closed a few times as she tried to find the words to answer the question. Since there were none, and she was left with the truth only, she said, 'W-well, yeah.'

'Okay,' he said simply, then to Leonard, 'I'm aware you stole my Green Goblin comic.' And then, she just started talking as if his statement had meant nothing. For a long time, the others, myself included, just watched him, barely able to respond. I did feel Leonard's gaze on me and when I looked at him, he was thoughtful. Like he was trying to figure out what species I had become. When he caught me looking, he just smiled, and wrote something down in the notebook on his lap.

The rest of the night went on a strange path, slowing in spots and speeding in others, so that I was completely disoriented time-wise when I walked Tabitha down to the front door. Before she went she said, 'Your friends sure are interesting. The tall one's kind of a jerk.'

I remembered her letting slip she was a lesbian, and Sheldon then explaining how homosexuality is an evolutionary screw-up (my paraphrasing, of course) and it went against human nature. I didn't quite understand most of what he said, but I gathered he meant that if we were all gay, there would be no babies. We needed to make babies to survive. He was merely quoting facts, of course, and meant nothing by it. Probably didn't look down on her… for that, at least. But it was offensive to suggest one's sexual-preference was somehow any sort of screw-up. Even _I _was offended. So it was forgivable that Tab laid into him. What was a bit unfair was she flipped his cushion over when he got up. We all had to listen to a five minute rant.

'Sorry about that,' I told her as she opened the door. 'He's actually very sweet underneath it all.'

'I'll take your word for it. See you later,' she said. But then stopped. 'Oh, I start filming for that show tomorrow. You should come down. Who knows, maybe they'll give you a part.'

I laughed at that, doubting it, though I told her I'd think about it.

She left and I went back upstairs. Martha had already left, so only the guys were left. When I walked back in, Raj and Howard were getting ready to leave themselves and Sheldon was nowhere to be found.

I found Leonard in the kitchen, rinsing dishes. 'Hey,' he said when he spotted me. 'So, what did you think?'

'Of Martha?'

He gave me an odd look, his eyebrows lowered. 'No,' he said slowly. 'Hanging out. 'Us? It wasn't too bad, I didn't think,' pressed Leonard.

_Oh. _I'd completely forgotten about him, about our breakup. Wow. 'Uh, yeah, it was a good start,' I say lamely, all the while trying to figure out if it was. 'Maybe next time we should just do it with the guys.'

Again with the suspicious look. 'Okay,' he agreed.

I nodded. He nodded. We were bobble-heads.

'Well, I think I'm off to bed,' I said. 'Goodnight. Goodnight Howard, Raj!'

Howard waved at me, continuing his argument with Raj, who smiled in my direction as I passed.

In my apartment, I refused to let my mind dwell too long on the night. I took some Tylenol PM and fell into a deep drugged slumber.

I had to work early and the sleeping pill's effects hadn't quite worn off when my alarm sounded. I was so tired I nearly fell asleep in the shower, and forgot, twice, whether or not I had conditioned my hair. On the plus side, my hair was very conditioned when I got out, the comb gliding easily through it. I woke up slowly as I dressed, and I probably committed a crime driving while so tired. Thankfully there was a Starbucks just down the street, so I got double-espresso to further the waking process. By the time I got to work, I was awake enough to thank my stars I hadn't gotten into an accident.

It was Saturday; I hated the Saturday shift. The morning was always slow because everyone was sleeping in on Saturdays. Yet my boss Bill insisted we keep busy. There are only so many times you can mop the freezer before the fumes make you light-headed. Bernadette, fortunately, was there as well. She scrubbed the bar counter over and over again.

Around lunchtime the the elderly crowd filtered in for lunch and we were all on our toes, rushing to gather orders, refill drinks, and all while smiling like we loved nothing more than to serve them. I had a good section, everyone tipping well and not talking to me like food-service somehow equals mental-retardation. Poor Bernadette, though, had a group of business people who were insanely picky, so kept sending dishes back to be redone. And she didn't get a tip. At all. I didn't tell her that, though. When I walked past their vacated table, I set a ten dollar bill from my tip under a glass.

I got off at around three, and boy was I glad to be home. I stepped into the cool interior of the complex with a gasp of relief. I deserved a long, hot shower followed by a trip to get a mani-pedi. Good stress-relief. The second my foot hit the fourth floor landing, 4A's door opened, and Sheldon stepped out.

Followed by Martha.

'Oh. Hello,' I greeted. 'Where are you two off to?'

Martha, who seemed to not hold a grudge, beamed at me. 'Planned Parenthood.'

'Planned _Parenthood?_' I must have misunderstood.

'Yes Penny,' said Sheldon, shifting his messenger bag. 'If I am going to engage in coitus, I would like to know that my partner isn't a host of any diseases. I will get tested as well for while the chances of my contracting anything are minimal, they percentage still exists.'

The smile I'd plastered on my face melted right off. I felt sick. Sheldon was going to have sex. With Martha. I didn't like that at all.

'Thank you for telling him,' Martha was telling me now, grateful. 'He just wasn't getting any of the hints I was throwing at him.'

'Welcome,' I said, the cheesecake I'd eaten rising up into my throat. And for some stupid reason, I felt like crying. 'I need to talk to Leonard,' I said to nobody, and opened his apartment door and let myself in.

I slammed the door shut, resting against it. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think. The phrases _what the hell_ and _oh my god_ repeating themselves through my mind like a skipping CD. Had I dropped down the rabbit hole, taken a step into the Twilight Zone? Was I in Narnia?

'Penny?' Leonard was in the chair, one leg over the arm, an Xbox controller in his hands. 'You okay?'

'Sheldon is having _sex?' _My voice sounded accusatory, as if it was his fault.

His thick brows went up. 'Right now?'

'He's going to get tested for STDs right now. With Martha. He said for coitus, Leonard. That means sex, right?' I hoped to _god_ I was wrong. Even though I knew the definition wasn't--it was an ACT vocabulary word--there was that small hope that it had a double-meaning. Like, donating blood?

'Oh,' said Leonard. 'That.'

'_That_?' I shrieked.

He set down the controller. 'Penny, why are you yelling?'

'I'm not yelling!' I yelled. Taking a deep breath, I asked, 'How can you let this happen?'

He shrugged casually, as if this wasn't bothering him at all. 'I admit I'm as surprised as you, but he's a grown man, Penny. He can do what he wants. Frankly I'm glad he's finally growing up.'

I stood over him, gesturing wildly toward the door. 'Sheldon can't have sex, Leonard. He's . . . he's . . . it'll ruin his innocence!'

'Innocence?' repeated Leonard, amused.

Now my nose really stung. Tears were coming and my frustration at this knowledge made it worse. 'It'll change who he is; he won't be _Sheldon_ anymore. He'll be ruined!'

Now he laughed and I really wanted to punch him. 'Did it ruin you, Penny? When you first had sex?'

'Well, no but Sheldon--'

'It's just sex. It's not like he's going to turn into Venom.'

'_Who?' _

Ignoring my question, he stood up. 'Are you okay? Why is this bothering you so much?'

'It's not,' I said, even as I knew this was a lie. 'I just . . . I think you're a bad friend. I have to go now.' And I ran out of there before he could see me crying.

What was _wrong _with me?


	23. Chapter 23

The Paternal Catalyst  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.

Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

Thanks everyone for your comments/criticism!

23

Leonard

Leonard stared at the door through which Penny had just exited. He hadn't expected his experiment to produce such intense results so soon. When Sheldon had stated his intention; much to the embarrassment of Martha, Leonard had been gob smacked to say the least. Sure, he knew Sheldon masturbated; he didn't _want _to know, but it was written up in the roommate contract (Section E, Paragraph 4 Subparagraph j, which outlined things that were to be done quietly and within the confines of certain sections of the apartment). When Leonard had made the mistake to ask why someone who had no libido would need to masturbate, Sheldon had gifted him with a too-long disclosure of the health benefits of the action. Sure, sex had its own health benefits but in Sheldon's mind, he could find similar benefits in much less germ-riddled methods.

So his declaration of performing the action left Leonard wondering _why. _Surely he had his reasons but what the _hell_ were they? Did he, after all, have a libido, throwing his and Howard and Raj's theories straight out the window? It also meant he had to reassess his original hypothesis on the fate of Penny's feelings toward the Texan. This would spell very, very bad for Penny. It already had.

Because of Leonard's pushing. If he hadn't invited Martha, Penny wouldn't be crying. Oh, yes he saw her tears and the guilt made him feel like the worst person in the world. He'd expected at most for Penny to get jealous but, he noted remembering the relationship between her and himself; jealousy wasn't love.

Penny was hurt. Not hurt like someone had told her he'd only used her for sex, but hurt like she was losing someone.

He analyzed the results and could only come up with one solution: she was in love with Sheldon. How it happened or when, he wasn't sure. But it was there. It might have been there for a long time, possibly during the time they were dating or it might have been realized only recently.

And she was doomed. Either Sheldon was asexual or maybe he had been waiting to find his equal, who he found to be Martha? She was certainly smarter than Penny, as much as it pained him to say it. And Sheldon had always and would always continue to point this out to Penny, her lack of education, the gap in IQ between her and Sheldon. Martha took Sheldon's idiosyncrasies in stride, better than anybody else did. She didn't fight them the way Penny did, or torment him.

Leonard felt helpless. Things were going to happen; Penny was going to get heartbroken. She might leave, might decide there was nothing left for her. After all, Leonard's friendship with her was now shaky at best, and Howard and Raj weren't very close to her (Howard being closer than she wanted). With the added bonus of unrequited love, she might just run away. And he couldn't blame her. Leonard knew he should talk to her, though he wasn't sure what he would say. Certainly he should admit his guilt, the hand he'd had in the recent events, then offer a shoulder for her to cry on. She'd hate him, he was more than positive she'd hold it against him. And what would the knowledge that she'd been betrayed, again, by him do?

No, he was going to stay put. He wasn't going to do anything yet, just wait for events to unfold, wait for the occasion to crop up, where he might be able to do something, help in some way.


	24. Chapter 24

The Paternal Catalyst  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.

Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

Thanks everyone for your comments/criticism!

24

Penny

I sort of glided through the rest of the day, and it felt like I was walking in sludge. I hid in my apartment, unable to distract myself. _Conan_ only reminded me of Sheldon, sleep wasn't forthcoming, even with sleeping pills. That just made me more distant, but still no sleep. I tried cleaning, but again that reminded me of Sheldon, so then I tried to watch TV. Nothing was on.

In the end I decided to visit Tabitha at the TV show taping. She'd told me to drop her name at the desk, and they'd page her. I waited in the lobby until she showed up, and she took in my disheveled appearance--I hadn't changed out of my work clothes. 'You okay?'

'Fine,' I said, and to my ears it sounded sharp. 'Just tired,' I told her. Though it was a weariness, like I'd run fifty marathons, one after the other.

She lead me to the set, introduced me to faceless people, names I didn't commit to memory. I sat in a folded chair and watched her performance, while not actually watching it.

_Snap out of it!_ I told myself. Why the hell was I behaving this way? Usually I took change easily, but maybe Sheldon's vision of them had brushed off. Maybe it was that he was a constant in my life, and he was changing. Possible. That would explain the unsteady feeling, like my entire world was crumbling around me when in truth, it had actually gotten better. But my chest was tight, and I was doing everything I could to bite back the tears. I usually knew why I was crying but this time, total mystery. Maybe I was just that worried for Sheldon losing his virginity. Well, I assumed he was a virgin, but he seemed comfortable enough with the action now.

Maybe talking to Sheldon would help. Clear things up. Maybe knowing _why_ he was doing it would somehow answer my own questions.

A few hours had passed by the time I'd come to this decision, and it was getting close to Sheldon's laundry time. Though I wouldn't later remember it, I was pretty sure I managed to say goodbye to Tabitha, probably gave her some sort of excuse. I drove home in a fog, the ride a blur of streetlights and headlights. I parked the car haphazardly in the lot and raced in.

The familiar sight of Sheldon's back, his purple shirt stretched firmly across his shoulders, made me exhale loud enough for him to hear.

He turned, expectant but when he spotted me, he only said, 'Oh, hello Penny.' Then turned back to his clothes.

'Sheldon,' I ventured, and my voice cracked. I swallowed. 'Can I talk to you for a sec?'

He stiffened, turned, and folded his arms. 'Is this about Leonard?'

'N-no,' I said in surprise. 'Actually, it's about . . . about sex.'

He gave me a flat look. 'Penny, as comedic as Howard and Leonard find it, I do not need The Talk. I've done research.'

I took a deep, shaky breath and stepped toward him, hand outstretched. Why, I don't know. 'I just . . . why are you doing it?'

His eyebrows went so far up his forehead wrinkled, and then he cocked his head as if to say _well, it makes sense. _'I would have thought you would be a supporter of my action. You are a fan of coitus, if the amount of times you and Leonard--'

'It's not that I have a problem with sex itself,' I insert, not patient enough to let him finish. 'I just want to know why _you_ are doing it. You always talk about how . . . how much it _disgusts _you.'

He turned back to his laundry, pretty much dismissing me. 'Suffice it to say I have decided it is a necessary step in my personal evolution.'

'But you barely know Martha,' I whined at his back.

'You barely knew most of _your_ sexual partners,' he shot back, his voice surprisingly venomous.

_Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, dammit. _'Sheldon . . . I just don't think it's the right path for you.'

With an annoyed exhale, he threw down the clothes and spun. 'Why not?'

_You're too uncorrupted_, was on my lips, along with the other reasons I told Leonard. But I couldn't think of anything but how aggravated he was, like the others had given him grief already and he was sick of it. He was protective of his decision. _He must really like her. _'I don't want you to,' I heard myself say, walking toward him again.

'Care to clarify or do you wish to continue being vague?'

The urge to kiss him took me by such surprise that I just reacted. Gripping his shoulders to brace myself, I stood on tiptoes and pressed my lips to him. Though I felt him stiffen into a statue, I reached to grip his neck, my kiss desperate against unresponsive lips. Then I felt his hands on my upper arms and for one deluded and gleeful second, I thought he was going to kiss back. But his grip tightened and I felt myself being pushed away.

When I opened my eyes, I was shocked to see his, so wide, so . . . furious. Even more so than our spat, more so than when that one girl wanted to take partial credit for a breakthrough of his. For the first time in my life, Sheldon Cooper terrified me, looming, looking for the entire world like he wanted to strangle me. 'Get out,' he hissed, jaw clenched almost too tight for the words to escape.

I ran.


	25. Chapter 25

The Paternal Catalyst  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.

Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

Thanks everyone for your comments/criticism!

25

Leonard

It was four days since Leonard had proved his hypothesis. He'd waited, walking on eggshells, for something to happen but nothing had. Or so he thought at first.

Penny was avoiding them altogether, doing it so well she might as well have moved out. Her apartment seemed dead, and he never even heard anything from there. Sheldon was still awaiting the test results, so hadn't popped his cherry quite yet. For his part, Sheldon was behaving normally, completely within his character.

But slowly, Leonard started noticing changes, notably in Sheldon's appearance.

When Sheldon walked out of his bedroom, fully dressed but hair seemingly uncombed, it kind of scared Leonard. He also seemed to have forgone shaving entirely for a few days, something slightly more than stubble tickling his jawline. It was the first time Leonard had seen him not perfectly clean-shaven, even in the Arctic he'd regularly trimmed his goatee, which he'd kept to keep his face warm. And, Leonard also noted, his shirt was wrinkled. While it had only just come to Leonard's attention, it had been going on for at least a couple of days. Leonard had been more concerned with Penny than his roommate.

Leonard was incredibly close to enacting the Body Snatchers Clause. If Sheldon hadn't insulted Leonard's having oatmeal on a non-Monday, he would have gone all the way. Leonard knew it was somehow connected to his upcoming sex, so he thought to address it. At the very least, it might help Penny.

So he said, 'Sheldon, if you're nervous about having sex, you don't have to go through with it. We aren't pressuring you.'

'What?' asked Sheldon, genuinely not understanding the problem. 'Why would I be nervous about that?' Again, genuine; and apparently rhetorical because he said next, 'Come on. We're four minutes behind schedule.'

So Leonard let it drop, preferring not to act unless he had a course of action thoroughly planned.

At work he was momentarily distracted when he realized he was missing the USB stick on which the article he'd typed up about a month prior was, to be submitted that day to Scientific America. He'd been looking for it when Sheldon had walked out, and he'd completely forgotten until the magazine editor called him.

Sometimes Sheldon would take his memory stick and add his comments into the document. He never searched for it so as long as Leonard hid it, he was safe. But if he'd left it out, then it was probably at Sheldon's desk. And Sheldon was in a mood all day, so Leonard didn't want to ask.

Instead, he bowed out of New Comic Book day, asking Raj to pick up his for him. Howard was absent, having stayed home to help family move. Sheldon, fortunately, didn't put up much of a fight and left Leonard to drive himself home.

He'd hunted for about twenty minutes before he found it in the bottom drawer with the rest of Sheldon's memory sticks. He'd just uploaded the file and sent it off to _Scientific America_ when Howard burst through the door, hugging his open Alienware to his chest.

'So confession time,' he started, eyes wild. 'Remember how I had much of this complex wired and surveilled by nearly-microscopic cameras?'

'_No,_' said Leonard after a beat. 'How long ago was this?'

Howard set his computer down in front of Leonard, scooting the Dell aside. 'Months ago. The important thing is, I didn't take all of the cameras down.' He then turned and gave Leonard a proud smile.

Leonard tried his best not to get pissed. 'That's an invasion of _privacy_, Howard!'

'Yeah, yeah, yeah,' he said, leaning over to click a few buttons. 'So anyway, I was hiding from my family because my mom was trying to introduce me to her cousin's neighbor's daughter. And let me tell you, buddy. Not even _I _would have that girl, if she even _was_ a she. Anyway, I was bored and passed the time by looking to see what has been happening at various places.'

'How many places do you have _wired?' _

Howard ignored him. 'You're about to thank me, _mon amis. _Because guess what I saw as I was going back through time?' He grinned broadly. 'Go ahead, guess.'

Leonard groaned. 'I don't know . . . some girl stripping?'

'Sadly no, _but.._.' He opened a video file and showed it to Leonard.


	26. Chapter 26

The Paternal Catalyst  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.

Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

Thanks everyone for your comments/criticism!

26

Beverly, Howard, Leonard

Beverly: Dr. Beverly Hofstadter.

Leonard: Hi, Mom.

Howard (in background): Ask her!

Leonard (to Howard): I will, I will.

Beverly: Are you aware it's quite rude to converse with others while you are on the phone. Both to the person on the line, and the one off the line?

Leonard: Yeah, Mom. It's come to my knowledge that Sheldon's been keeping things from me.

Beverly: Okay.

Leonard: Sheldon sucks at lying. So I thought to myself, where would Sheldon learn to lie? I thought of you.

Beverly: Is there a reason you're telling me this, dear?

Leonard: Did you teach Sheldon to lie?

Beverly: He did request suggestions to better his falsification of information, whether or not he learned from it remains to be seen. Though the fact that you've uncovered the truth suggests he did not.

Leonard: You've been talking to him regularly.

Beverly: We _have_ been conversing through email, yes.

Leonard: So you are reasonably up to date on the goings-on around here?

Beverly: Your assumption is correct.

Leonard: So what do you know about him kissing someone?

Beverly: …

Howard: What did she say?

Leonard: Nothing. She's quiet. (to Beverly) Mom?

Beverly: I thought we'd all agreed not to talk about this.

Leonard: What? I agreed to nothing.

Beverly: Yes you did, in the car.

Leonard: What car are you talking about?

Beverly: Don't end sentences with prepositions, dear.

Leonard: _Mom!_

Beverly (sighing): I was intoxicated.

Leonard: . . . I, _what are you saying, Mother_?

Beverly: There was also the busboy.

Leonard: _Busboy_?

Howard: Busboy?

Beverly: Yes, Leonard. When I visited last Christmas.

Leonard: Mom . . .

Beverly: You sound confused. Are you not referring to the incident wherein I kissed Sheldon?

Leonard: _What?!_

Beverly: Is there a problem with your hearing?

Leonard: Oh, I hope so.

Beverly: There is no reason for you to be disturbed, Leonard. Sheldon is not unattractive, I do admit, and I find his intelligence refreshing. However I must say that while the busboy has a much lower IQ I found him to be quite appealing to the eyes. Talented in bed as well.

Leonard: Oh my _god_. This . . . this was the thing everyone didn't want to talk about.

Beverly: Preposition.

Howard: What's going on?

Leonard: Have you kissed Sheldon?

Howard: What? No!

Leonard: Well, everyone else has.

Beverly: Do you wish to hang up so you can continue your conversation with Howard?

Leonard: Mom, let's get off this topic because I'm kind of grossed out. Do you know anything about Sheldon kissing _Penny_?

Beverly: I thought Penny was dating you.

Leonard: We broke up.

Beverly: Oh good. You two don't work well together.

Leonard: So I gathered. My question, Mother?

Beverly: He never mentioned it, no.

Leonard: Thank you mom. Goodbye.

Howard: So what did she say?

Leonard: Nothing. Does mind-bleach exist and if not, what do we need to do to make it?

* * *

**Notes from the author: First, I'd like to apologize. It seems that is doing wonky things so it won't let me reply to half the comments, even though they aren't all anon. **

**One more chapter left! It's a pretty long one. **


	27. Chapter 27

_**The Paternal Catalyst**_**  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all  
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.  
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence  
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.**

_  
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect._

(This fic was beta'd by the charming **talkingmetaphor** without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

27

Penny

As long as I busied myself with various things, I didn't have to think about what I'd done, or how Sheldon had reacted. Truth was, whenever I had to shower or there were other inescapable times where I thought of nothing else, I'd made slight progress. One, I felt guilty for attacking him, so I didn't blame him for being angry. Two, I wanted to kiss him. Still did, even after what had happened. I really was stupid.

The thought, the desire was so unexpected that it felt alien in my own mind. My logic kept poking at it, looking for weak spots to break open the shell, see what was really beneath. But there was nothing. I wanted to kiss Sheldon, I was attracted to Sheldon. And I really didn't like Martha because she got Sheldon.

I wanted Sheldon. Period. I wanted him in a way I had never wanted any other guy, not even Leonard. The feeling rubbed me raw, the very presence of it hurt. It scared the crap out of me, too. Because it felt permanent, and stranger still, it felt like it had been there for quite a while, just hidden somehow. Now it was exposed, like a nerve where every little tinge sent me to tears once more.

Love was always portrayed as this beautiful thing. It wasn't; love was this hideous, painful, unfun thing. I hated it. I wanted it no more.

How did I come to love Sheldon? That was the thing. I could point out the things I liked about him, but I couldn't tie them to my feelings. I thought I loved Leonard because he was sweet and kind, safe and funny. But with Sheldon . . . I just did. There was no reason; logic didn't enter into the equation at all. It was pure emotion.

And it sucked.

I had always been a fighter, doing everything I could for what I wanted. Running was cowardice. But now, I saw nothing I could do. Sheldon had Martha, he was willing to lift his sex ban for her and she was remarkably similar to Sheldon. She was perfect for him.

I wasn't. I was always going to be less than him in practically every way in his eyes. It was a hopeless situation, no fighting would help.

I couldn't get an acting job to save my life and I was losing those I loved.

I had friends in California, but I wasn't as close with them as I was with the boys. My friendship with Leonard was shaky at best, and I'd completely messed it all up with Sheldon. I could hang out with Howard and Raj but to see them would only remind me of the missing pieces. I wanted the set.

I was fast losing everything worth keeping me in the damned state. Without thinking, without letting myself dwell on how stupid it was, I had just picked up the phone to call my sister, to maybe go back to Nebraska for a bit, when there was a knocking at the door.

I would have ignored it but Leonard's voice accompanied the knocking. 'Penny, I know you're in there. Please. I want to talk to you.' He sounded so urgent that I had to relent. Besides, I did need to say goodbye.

He took in my tearstained face and stepped around me. 'Listen, Penny. I'm going to ask you a question and you can't get upset, okay?'

I nodded, though I was promising nothing.

He sighed and scrubbed his hands through his hair. When he looked at me, it was wary. 'Did you kiss Sheldon?'

A thousand thoughts seemed to explode in my mind. How did he find out? Did Sheldon say something? In what context did Sheldon say it? Leonard was saying something about Howard, and a camera but I could only think of what I'd done, the guilt tenfold now that someone else had discovered what I'd done. Whoever says telling the truth lifts a weight off your chest is an utter moron. 'Oh god,' I cried. 'I'm so sorry; please tell Sheldon that, okay?'

'What?'

I knew I didn't have to tell him details, and with him being my ex it was probably awkward. But I wanted to tell _somebody_ because it felt like if I didn't, I'd explode. Being found out hurts but now that he knew, I wanted to tell him everything. 'He was just . . . his eyes were so blue and he asked why I didn't want him to. And that's why, Leonard. _God_, I'm in love with him. And I kissed him and it was wrong and he was so angry.'

'Angry?'

I nodded, sniffling. 'He ordered me out of the laundry room. He was pissed, Leonard.'

'Penny,' he said with false calm, lowering himself beside me on the couch. 'What exactly happened?'

'What do you think?' I choked out. 'I kissed Sheldon and he got mad at me for it. It was a stupid, stupid mistake.'

He was silent a beat. Then, 'Is this at all connected to what happened that night you were drunk?'

'When I slept with him?'

'You _slept_ with--'

'No!' I was quick to correct him. 'Only in the literal sleeping sense. I woke up in his bed but nothing happened. Don't worry; I didn't cheat on you.'

Suddenly he was pulling me to my feet. 'I have to show you something,' he said.

I stumbled after him, all I could do with how fast he was walking.

Howard was at Leonard's desk, eyes trained on a computer. When he saw me, his eyes widened, and then looked questioningly at Leonard.

'Howard, up,' ordered Leonard. The Jew complied, though sputtering. As I was shoved into the chair, he explained, 'She doesn't know, Howard. We should show her.'

QuickTime was open, and the frozen image was a high view of the apartment. I looked around to trace where the camera would be, and spotted a small dark circle peeking out the binder of a book on the case. It was facing the couch. The time-stamp on the lower right side wasn't four days ago, but weeks. Leonard hit the play button and stood back.

There was no audio so for a few seconds, the apartment just stood empty. Then I saw Sheldon cross from the hallway to the front door, which was just off camera. When he reappeared, I saw a blond girl stumbling after him. The date made sense. This was the night before I woke up in his bed. I watched, masochistically enthralled as my drunk self plopped onto the sofa, right in Sheldon's spot. He walked off camera again, this time toward the kitchen, and returned with a glass of water. He ushered me aside, and I saw myself sort of fall into the middle cushion. Sheldon sat down, handed me the glass.

There was an obvious conversation going, and the quality wasn't good enough that I could make any words out reading lips. I wondered what I was saying but judging by Sheldon's reactions, I assumed it was what he'd told me I'd said: about my father, and asking if I could stay. He then got up and disappeared, returning with a blanket and pillow. But when he handed it to me, my drunk self pulled him down. I watched myself holding his hand, talking earnestly.

And then, there on the computer screen, I saw myself rise up on my knees and kiss him. And unlike what I'd done sober just half a week ago, the computer screen-me was full into make-out mode, holding his face between my hands. All while he just froze. I looked away from the screen, having seen enough.

_Oh god. _No wonder he'd reacted so violently when I kissed him in the laundry room! I'd molested him already and there it was happening again. I was practically a rapist! The sick, twisted part? I couldn't suppress the desire to kiss him again.

'Hello,' said an all-too-familiar voice, his hearing probably so tuned he could hear my thoughts. I looked up and over.

Sheldon and Raj had walked through the door, comics in tow. When Sheldon met my eyes, he became still enough to be a statue. 'What are you three doing?' He sounded wary but walked over anyway. I just watched him, too horrified by what I'd seen to speak. When his eyes fell on the computer screen, then over to the location of the camera, then back, then to me, the color drained from his face. 'I'm moving back to Texas,' he announced, then walked into his bedroom.

I was somehow on his heels, closing the door behind me. I knew it was bad, the last thing a molestation victim wants is the molester in his bedroom.

He jumped at my arrival, dropping the bag he'd grabbed. 'Penny--'

'_Please,' _I begged, though I knew I didn't deserve it. 'Can I just . . . talk?' He gave a curt nod, though he didn't seem too thrilled about it, and folded his arms. I didn't know what I was going to say, so I just . . . started talking. 'Okay, so I was drunk. And I know that's not at all a good excuse because people don't do things drunk they wouldn't normally do sober. Obviously since I was sober the second time. The point is, if I'd known that I'd molested you the first time I wouldn't have done it again. I'm so sorry, Sheldon! I love you and I don't want to hurt you, even though I did already. You don't have to move, okay? I'm moving. You'll be safe here.' I didn't say everything I wanted to, everything I was feeling but words left me.

He just stared at me. 'You misused the word _molest._'

I blinked. It wasn't what I'd expected. Though I probably should have seen it coming.

'The word molest, in this case referring to sexual harassment, implies the absence of consent,' explained Sheldon.

'I know,' I said. 'You obviously didn't consent, Sheldon. You didn't react at all at first and this last time, you ordered me to leave. I know what consent is.'

He looked down in thought for a second, then asked, 'Did you watch the full video?'

I shook my head.

He reached past me to pull the door open, eyebrows lifted impatiently. 'Watch the full video.'

I backed out in an effort to distance myself from him, that stupid urge rising up again. 'Sheldon, I'd rather not. I saw enough.' I was backing down the hallway, nearly tripping over the little step into the living room. 'I'm sorry, again. I'll just go...' But to my surprise he followed me, jerking his head toward the computer until I sat down, slowly, uncertainly. 'Listen, I really don't want to watch anymore.'

'Penny,' he warned, and clicked the play button.

It picked up with me still kissing him, him not moving. Then, like he would later do, I saw him grip my shoulders, holding me away from his body. I was saying something, mouth moving inaudibly. There was a small but obvious argument that quickly resolved itself and he let me go. Just as I was wondering why he'd felt it important to show me this last bit, I saw myself attack him again, this time moving to straddle his lap. I saw, once again, his arms reach up to my shoulders as if to remove me again. But then I saw something I hadn't expected: his arm snaked around my back. My heart, which had withered and died days before, let out a few feeble beeps as about eighteen seconds passed. Eighteen seconds with my hands combing through his hair and even with the low resolution I could practically see my desperate desire. Eighteen full seconds of his hands gripping the back of my shirt. Then I saw myself climb off him. We both stood and I saw myself head to Leonard's room, while he went to his. Like nothing had happened.

I looked from the screen at Sheldon and somehow, I still had my voice. 'You kissed me back.'

He stood up straighter, not meeting my gaze. 'Yes.'

'Why?'

Now he looked at me. 'It is the standard protocol, is it not?'

My heart sank at that. 'Sweetie, just because someone kisses you, doesn't mean you're obligated to kiss them back. It's standard protocol to say no, as well.'

'I'm well aware.'

'So even if you thought you _had_ to kiss me back, it doesn't count as consent.'

'Okay,' he said, sounding like this wasn't news.

'So my use of the word molestation still stands.'

'No it doesn't.'

'Yes it does!'

'No, Penny,' he said firmly. 'I responded affirmatively.'

I didn't know how to further explain it so he'd understand. So I tried a different path. 'When I asked you what had happened, why didn't you tell me?' My thought was to get his answer, which I assumed would be because he felt violated or hoped if he didn't tell me, it wouldn't happen again, I'd pounce on that.

On the couch, Howard, Raj, and Leonard were watching with wide eyes.

Sheldon sighed, running his fingers through his already uncombed hair. And now that I paid attention, he was unshaven as well. It was incredibly attractive. God, I'm sick. 'As I stated previously, I was awake the entire duration. My initial intension was to relay the events to you upon your awakening. However, when you did wake up, your reaction to our sleeping arrangements were . . . less than inspiring. When you displayed partial amnesia toward the events, I felt it unnecessary to inform you of your actions as it would only stress you further.'

I remembered how horrified I'd felt. Though not at the thought of sleeping with him, this I only noticed as he was speaking, but at the thought of it somehow being without his consent. And I was kind of right with my first thought. 'Did we, did I . . . was there sex?'

'No,' he said calmly. 'I did not lie to you when I said you stumbled in post-bathroom visit.' I sighed here, relieved. But we hadn't gotten to where I wanted to be.

'But you should still have told me, so I would know not to do it again.' Cold washed through me. 'Not that you are to blame in _any_ way.'

He cocked his head to one side. 'My informing you would only have the opposite effect.'

'No, I promise. I wouldn't have done it again. Like now, I'm staying away from you!'

He was quiet and when he started to walk away, I thought he was just going back into his room but he only grabbed his computer chair and wheeled it next to me. He sat down, leaned forward with his hands in a steeple. 'I'm beginning to suspect we're having difficulties in communication. Tell me what do you think transpired in these events?'

I took a deep breath, calming myself. 'I came in drunk, and then after my sob story, kissed you. You said no but I went ahead and did it anyway. You responded because you thought you had to. Then earlier this week I did it again, but it scared you so you made me leave. I'm sorry.' The last bit I added though it seemed weak; it didn't do the job at all well. Yet in my state I couldn't think up any way to express how crappy I felt for what I'd done, how much I wanted to take it back. I wanted to go back to how we were, just friends. To going to movies together, to poking at each others' egos.

I was near tears and I was sitting stiffly on the chair, muscles tensed to run at any second.

'Penny,' he said condescendingly. 'Do you want to hear my side of the events?'

No. 'You deserve to explain yourself.' I deserved this punishment, to hear the victim's story. I was so going to hell. I guess that baptism when I was a kid was for nothing.

He sat back. 'You are correct in the beginning. You were intoxicated and talked about your problems. But then you talked about Leonard--' he nodded toward the man on the sofa. '--and told me you weren't in love with him. You then admitted that you were in love with _me_ instead.' Here, I too looked at Leonard, suddenly realizing he'd been hurt in this as well. I'd cheated on him, made out with his best friend, his roommate. I hadn't told Leonard I wasn't in love with him, hadn't been honest but then went and assaulted his roommate, telling him my relationship troubles. 'I, of course, pointed out the illogic of the notion of being "in love" and that the only reason you have these so-called feelings is your evolutionary imperative to procreate. The things you "love" in a person are the genes you wish to carry on to your offspring. However, and Penny I must commend you for your rhetoric skills, you gave me examples of your past boyfriends, including Leonard. And said I was entirely not your "deal" and yet you felt the urge to procreate with me. You used much cruder terminology, of course.'

My eyes about rolled out of their sockets.

He went on. 'Shortly after I conceded, you took it upon yourself to kiss me. I, of course informed you of the many effects of alcohol, one including lowered inhibitions, and suggested you wait until you were sober to make these decisions. You argued, as you did today, that alcohol doesn't make you do anything you don't want to do. It was a reasonable argument, so I relented.'

'But--' I argued.

'Leave,' he told the boys suddenly, who just stared at him. When they didn't move, Sheldon jerked his head and said more confidently. '_Get out_.' It was a simple, no-nonsense tone that, I'm embarrassed to say, turned me on a bit.

Probably alarmed by his commanding tone, they scurried out, still looking over their shoulder. No doubt they'd be waiting just outside, listening.

'Sheldon,' I hissed. 'Just because I made a reasonable argument doesn't mean you have to give in!'

'Penny,' he said, in a _you should know better_ tone.

I stood up. 'Listen, Sweetie. I know you think that you behaved rationally and therefore have taken the blame off me.' I was intentionally putting distance between us, because I knew a goodbye was about to be said and I didn't know if I'd have the strength. 'No argument will convince me otherwise. I mean, how you reacted this week is proof enough and . . . and you clearly want Martha, so . . .'

'I don't want Martha; what does Martha have to do with this?' he broke in, completely confused.

'You're going to have sex with her, Sheldon. Clearly you have feelings for her.' God my voice was all over the place. You'd think I as on the edge of puberty.

He protested, as his nature, 'I don't have feelings for Martha.'

Right. I rolled my eyes. 'Okay, I know about your thingy with sex leading to some chemical in your brain which somehow equals love, but for you--'

Sheldon was on his feet in front of me now, earnest. 'That's actually what I was trying to prove or disprove.'

'You wanted to have sex with Martha to see if it would make you fall in love?' I asked, disbelief momentarily clouding my guilt. 'Sheldon, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.'

'I know,' he cried, slouching into his spot, face in his hands.

Okay, I totally had no idea how we'd changed topics, but I sat down next to him, waiting for my chance to bring it around to my goodbye. The reason I wasn't pushing it, of course, was to stall. 'What happened?'

'_That much is obvious_,' he said with a groan, turning that glare full on, the same one I'd seen in the laundry room. When I didn't understand, he turned his body to face me. 'Somehow the serotonin levels in my brain were on the rise, directly related to a sole human--namely you--without the prerequisite of sexual intercourse. It was easily compared to the effects described in Dr. Beverly Hofstadter's papers, yet I thought myself mistaken. It troubled me for some time so when Martha presented herself as a capable partner, I thought I might compare the feelings.'

I gulped, hoping I was following right. 'And did you two . . . have sex?'

'You negated the necessity for that.'

I shook my head. 'I, me? How?'

'You kissed me,' he said simply.

It was giving me a headache. 'Sheldon, _please,' _I begged, gripping my head. 'I don't understand what I have to do with this.'

'Do you not recall the surveillance clip you just witnessed?' asked Sheldon, voice bordering on impatience. As this didn't clear anything up, he took a deep breath. 'Penny, you got a lot of the answers on my friendship survey incorrect. Yet I chose to keep you around, instead of Koothrappali, who only missed one question. Did you ask yourself why?'

I shrugged. 'Because I'm sweet?'

He continued without my answer. 'Well I did. I would have to take off forty IQ points in order to be considered genius and yet I could not distinguish the logic behind keeping you. You are untidy and do not respect sleep habits at all. You choose to fight my every desire instead of simply giving in. Instead of enabling me as the others do, thus easing my transition from birth to death you purposefully complicate things. You aren't a scholar and you don't enjoy the fine classic science fiction that I relish.

'This question lead to another: why I was so adamant about the lack of compatibility between Leonard and you. I know nothing about the human connection, yet I was certain of the doom to which any relationship between you two would come. Frankly, the entire reason I created the Relationship Compatibility Test was to better understand my certainty. It didn't help, Penny.'

This was it. I knew we were getting around to the issue at hand, but I also could tell by his tone of voice that it was my fault. I knew this, but I didn't want to hear it. Yet he was confusing me, because he was insulting me but . . . not. 'So . . . ?'

He studied my face for a second. 'You then dropped in an unexpected factor: you kissed me. As much as that was a surprise, for some reason I let you. And _not—' _he said a bit loud, talking over my interruption-to-be. '—simply because you posed a reasonable argument. I stopped you when I did because I thought better than to take an intoxicated person's word.

'Yet as much as I tried to separate the incident from the rest of my life, it couldn't. It had the opposite effect. The action, and subsequently _you, _plagued my waking and unconscious mind. Do you know what it's like, Penny, to have your body behave in a wholly predictable fashion then by some unseen catalyst behave in the opposite?'

I was still trying to understand his words, and though I had a hopeless delusion, I didn't quite want to feed it yet.

'I did research,' he went on. 'And the feeling seemed to be tied to that of being _in love_. This seemed improbable so I proposed the experiment.'

'Which I negated the need for,' I finished for him.

'_For _which you negated the need,' he corrected. 'Yes. You kissed me a second time. Though I knew what to expect, it still stretched my self-control to remain master over the carnal instinct. I was no longer in charge of my bodily reactions because it seemed emotion was directly tied with the instinct, and therefore quantified in strength.'

Dare I hope? 'So you weren't traumatized by the kisses?'

His face said _puh-leeze_. 'I'm a grown man, Penny.'

'So, are you saying you're in love with me?' My heart was thudding so loud in my ears I was afraid I wouldn't be able to hear his response.

He sighed, defeated and slouched against the couch, left arm resting on the arm of the sofa, long fingers rubbing his forehead. 'It would seem so.'

Stupid giddy joy burbled up within me. 'So what happens next?'

'Well, I attempted distancing myself from you, but that seemed to only worsen things. While I can only suggest the opposite, increasing contact, be the viable solution, I also need to know if these _feelings_ are reciprocated. Either way, you're the expert between the two of us. As they say in chess, _your move.' _

'I love you, too.' As soon as the words leave my mouth, the honesty of it lingers. Not in the same way I love the others, either. 'I guess the next step would be a date?'

He was quiet for a frighteningly long time, thoughtful. Was he rethinking the entire thing? But then he looked me right in the eyes, his blue eyes a startling clarity. 'If it doesn't bother you, I'd like to revisit the carnal overlay we attempted twice before. I feel they weren't a success due to the surrounding circumstances.'

It took every ounce of my own self-control not to let out a girly squeal.

'And,' continued Sheldon, voice careful. 'I would like to be the instigator this time, if that's alright.'

I nodded, biting my lip.

What followed was probably the awkwardest kiss I'd ever received, but also the best.

He hesitated about fifty times, hands gripping the side of my head, eyes darting from my eyes to my nose to my mouth and back again, as if he was afraid he's miss his target somehow. He seemed entire uncertain of his own body until, without meaning to, I licked my lips. Then his eyes zeroed in and his own lips followed suit. His lips were soft but movements formal, like he'd read out of some instruction manual on how to kiss. But at my quiet insistence, he loosened things up a little, taking my lead on things I preferred. As it turns out, Sheldon Cooper was a surprisingly good kisser.

'Penny,' he gasped, after wrestling his lips away. 'You're in my spot.'

I looked down. At some point I'd climbed onto his lap. 'Do you want me to move?'

He gave me a very level look. 'No.'

We didn't split up until we heard the door open, and Raj exclaim, 'Holy _crap_,' before slapping his hands over his mouth.

**End.**

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Okay, I just want to thank everyone again for reading this little fic of mine, and double gratis to those who reviewed. Made my day, every single one of you. This fic's done but please let me know what you thought of it and, of course, what I could have done better. **


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